You gotta have fuel for the baby factory...

Let me be Debbie Downer for just a minute. If you haven't heard it from a pregnancy book or from your doctor or from some snarky mom in the park who is convinced you're "not doing the best for your children" by having so many so close together, let me say it:

Closely-spaced pregnancies can be dangerous. There is a higher likelihood of complications during pregnancy and labor. Also, there is a higher risk of premature delivery and of delivering low-birthweight babies.

Those are real medical facts. Whether you hear them said in some snarky way or written in a book... that's just what it is.

But wait! There is something else the pregnancy books say... that these risk factors can be largely overcome by *EXCELLENT NUTRITION*.

Excellent nutrition is tricky for me. If I had spare cash, I would be the paragon of excellent nutrition. I would hire a raw food chef and buy organic produce and sprout my own grains and I would be skinny like Gwyneth Paltrow and my skin would glow. Totally true. But until I can follow Gwyneth's diet, I do the best I can to eat healthy, but I am also honest with myself. I KNOW that I am in nutritional overdraft.

I think excellent nutrition is tricky for any mom, so here is my lifehack.. I take silly amounts of vitamins.

Some people don't believe in vitamins. And some people only think they need prenatals and some folic acid when they're pregnant, but I am convinced that women having several children (close together or not) are seriously jeopardizing their health by not taking some kind of supplements. Under normal circumstances, I think most people can get the majority of their nutritional needs from diet alone... I'm not a pill pusher. But when you're talking about *REPEATEDLY FORMING A HUMAN BEING IN YOUR BODY*, you need some back-up.

Eating nutritious food is great, but it's not enough to replenish the vitamin stores in your body that you depleted during pregnancy.... plus building up stores for the next pregnancy... plus healing from childbirth... and all this while you produce breastmilk. That's a whole lot of kale and techina you'll need to eat! Can you look me straight in the eye and tell me that you've never had pasta with ketchup for dinner because that's what the kids were eating and it looked yummy and you were too tired to go soak quinoa?

So yeah, I take some silly amount of vitamins every day. I do it when I'm pregnant. I do it when I'm not pregnant. This is my soapbox.

I take a multivitamin/multimineral which has a bit of everything except the kitchen sink. It isn't synthetic chemical vitamins but it's mostly concentrated fruit and vegetable compounds. (it's 3 separate pills) You can find stuff like this in healthfood stores... naturally-sources multivitamins or food concentrates. There are even liquid multivitamin syrups, which are more easily absorbed and digested than a pill. Even if all you can afford is a cheap multivitamin, you are still better off than someone who isn't taking anything at all. If you are missing nutrients, the various processes in your body will not work as efficiently as they're meant to.

The other thing I take is iron. I take Spatone (mineral water that's super-rich in iron) and also Floradix (an herbal syrup with iron and vitamins)... you dump both into a glass of juice (which has vitamin c helps iron absorb) and drink. Iron is crucial during pregnancy... you are making liters and liters of new blood.

Although I eat loads of dairy, I take a calcium supplement too. Remember that old wives tale about how a woman loses a tooth with each baby? It's not entirely accurate... if a mother's diet is deficient in calcium, the growing baby takes calcium out of her bones. Yes, seriously. I think I might need my bones for when I'm old, so I try to take care of them.

The other obvious thing is folic acid, which is always in my cocktail of supplements. Also, a b-complex supplement because I am vegetarian. And also vitamin C for the immune system.

Don't get me wrong, I eat piles of fresh produce and make vegetable soups all the time, but since I know that I am pushing my body to its limits, I try to respect my body by taking care of it.

Let's say you are pregnant for the first time... but you don't get all your nutrients because you're nauseaous or uninterested in food or because the baby squishes your tummy. It's OK... the baby uses up the nutrient stores in your body. If you wait 2+ years like everyone recommends, then you have probably been eating normally for 2+ years and have gradually built up those nutrients once again. *BUT* if you become pregnant when your new baby is 6 months old, it's like you're staring a road trip with an empty gas tank. So yeah... that's where those warnings about premature babies and low-birthweight babies come in. Every pregnancy book says it.

Apart from taking care of the baby, good nutrition helps you heal from childbirth. I won't share TMI, but my C-section scar is healing quite nicely because I made an effort to take piles of vitamin C after the birth. Scars heal from the inside... no magic cream can replace your body's natural cell repair mechanisms, which are helped by antioxidants (like vitamin c) and beta carotene and also vitamin e.

I take crazy amounts of vitamins. Unless you are me, you don't have to take crazy amounts. If you can look at yourself and honestly say that you have an impeccable diet, then I will leave you alone. But otherwise, this is my advice to all new moms, old moms, soon-to-be moms and wannabee-moms. The baby factory needs fuel to run on.

Dealing with the hardest thing about my life, as faaabulous as it is.

Do you want to know what is the hardest thing about my life is?

 

It's not waking up at strange hours of the night. It's not all the spit-up on my clothes or even the tragically lamentable fact that my "skinny coat" hung in my closet all last winter unworn. It's the fact that my parents are all the way across the ocean. They can't pop over for dinner. They can't babysit at a moment's notice. They can't just show up for a gan graduation party and take a million photos. They. are. halfway. across. the. world.

 

I'm not alone. It's a common complaint I have heard from mommy friends here in Israel... and much more tragic than an unworn jacket. I could always buy a larger coat, but it is unlikely that my parents will live closeby. Like ever.

What to do? I hear lot of people suggest finding friends who are in a similar predicament...  to move to a community that is warm and welcoming and pulls together in times of crisis. The idea is to create a new extended family-of-sorts; to have people to share good time and bad times with, to get help when you need it and to commiserate about the lack of Target and Pumpkin Spice lattes. I think this is good and true and right, but there's something crucial that's missing.

I think the first thing a mom whose parents are overseas needs to do is to ACCEPT. This is a decidedly unoriginal thought that the 12-step support group people have patented.... accepting the things you cannot change.

 

In my opinion, this is HUGE. You will be in suuuuch a better mental space if you decide to accept your life situation as it really is... instead of wishing and hoping that things will be different. Unless you can pay a kidnapper to bring your parents to Israel, you can't force them to come here, so why waste your mental energy on wishing things were different. Of course, we can always pray... but that's different... I'm talking about plain old complaining.... I wish my parents lived closeby. I would be happier if my parents lived closeby. Why don't my parents live closeby?

 

Imagine that a cat woke up one day and decided that he wanted to be a dog. If he spent his time moping about and dwelling on how much he wished he was a dog... well, he would miss out on some good catnaps and tasty chicken bones from the dumpster... and at the end of the day he would remain a cat. Even worse, an unhappy cat.
 

The other HUGE thing is a mental re-direction. Instead of focusing on what you are lacking, strive to be AWESOME at what you do. In my case, it means doing my best to become really really independent. You heard me, I said really really independent. As in, supermommy. Find a way to handle everything by yourself. All, by. yourself.

 

You may have a great hubby that pitches in. You might have helpful friends and neighbors. You might live in a community where people jump over themselves to put your stroller on the bus and hold your baby so you can pay the bus driver. Call me a cynic, but I believe that at some point, people will fail you. Humans are fallible. There is a massive calmness and self-confidence that comes from knowing that you could hold the fort alone, if need be.
 

What this translates to, in practical terms, is figuring out a way to take the kids to the park all by yourself, taking the kids on the bus all by yourself, getting the kids ready for school all by yourself...etc. The logistics are up to you, but the point is to build yourself up into a supermommy by knowing that you actually could do everything without help. When you do get help, be happy and grateful *but* when people invariably flake out, smile and be confident in the knowledge that you can do it!

 

This is precisely why I bought my big clunky triple stroller. It was my secret weapon to take all of my 3 little kids out on a trip all by myself. Your secret weapon could be some super-easy dinner that everyone can eat by themselves. Or some cool activity that keeps all the kids occupied so you can take a break. But yeah... arm yourself. In the same way you would walk with confidence if you had a gun hidden away somewhere, you should walk with confidence knowing that you have strategies to cope with whatever life throws at you.

 

Let me say it again, just in case anyone missed it. I am*not* advocating going at it alone. I totally think that moms whose parents are overseas should find one another and kibitz and help one another out. I totally think that moms whose parents are overseas should seek out warm and supportive communities to live in....but in the end, it's all up to you.

 

This isn't just a coping strategy for moms with parents who are overseas, it's life skills 101.

 

1) Accept what you are

2) Embrace it

3) Become awesome at it.

 

For real, don't be that cat wishing he was a dog. Be a freakin' awesome cat!

Now that I have 4 kids, I know everything about having 4 kids

Mazal tov to me! Our 4th little puffball was born in June.... he was an addition to my collection of little children ages 4, 3 and almost-2.

Now that two months have passed by, I don't yet feel like I know everything about raising 4 little children, but I felt the need to distill my experiences into a blog post. I thought long and hard about what to write and finally realized that I couldn't establish any hard-and-fast rules about what it is like to have 4 little children. To tell you the truth, it's more like a series of paradoxical statements. Trust me, it makes sense.

1. Get help!!! *BUT ALSO* do it all yourself.

Everyone knows that famous people have the easiest parenting job. Why? Because they have someone washing their floors and folding their laundry and cooking 7-course organic vegan raw-food meals so they can watch their kids play soccer without a care in the world. They outsource the difficult stuff so they can enjoy the fun stuff.... it's a great idea! If you can afford it, get a cleaning lady. Get a mother's helper to help with the baby while you play with the older kids.. Take up any offers for free babysitting from sisters, cousins, nieces, neighbors..etc. Also, enlist your husband to help. Find out if a nearby highschool or seminary has a program where they send out their girls to do volunteer work to help in the community. The ideal thing is for you to spend quality time with the kids while someone else does the things that are less important.

*BUT ALSO* figure out a way to do everything all by yourself with no help whatsoever. Call me a cynic, but people will fail you. Cleaning ladies and babysitters won't show up. Friends and neighbors will flake out on you. Even husbands get busy with their own things. So yeah, figure out a way to be self-reliant and do everything on your own, if need be. With me, this involves some crazy level of multitasking... rocking the baby with one hand and feeding my 2-year-old yogurt with the other hand.... also holding simultaneous ADHD-like conversations with 3 kids at the same time. Streamline and simplify your routine to fit everything into a finite amount of time, just in case you find yourself doing it all yourself.

2. Give individual attention *BUT ALSO* make every activity a group activity

A mom with a large family (oy! is that what I have now?) needs to make a concerted effort to make each child feel special and unique. Every day, you need to do something to make each child feel like they are your only child. If a child feels loved and cherished, he won't decide to 'act out' in order to gain attention. To keep your children from feeling like they are lost in the shuffle, you need to carve out a space where your time and attention is focused on that one child and the universe stands still. Yes, I'm serious. If you are two years old, the universe stands still when you are sitting in your mother's lap and she is reading your favorite book... for the 3rd time straight.

*BUT ALSO* there is not enough time in the day. Sometimes, the only way that you will be able to get everything done is to include everyone. In my house, everyone eats together, bathes together... etc. Even though the new baby won't appreciate outings to the park or the Gymboree, I plop him in the stroller when he's sleeping and take him along... otherwise I would be stuck at home. Strollers can be comfortable places to sleep in. Also, I can't count the times that I dragged my baby chair into the bathroom so I could plop the baby in his chair so I could watch him as I bathed the older ones. You save time and effort and also you are gradually getting the new baby adjusted to the older kids' schedule.... one day when he is old enough to sit up, you will plop him in a baby bath seat and bathe him along with the others. If you live in an apartment with a small bathtub, consider what would be harder... doing separate bath-times for each of the kids or paying to install a new large-sized tub. If it was my dilemma, I would get the new tub.

3. Take it easy and give yourself time to rest *BUT ALSO* bounce back ASAP

Giving birth is hard, taking care of children is hard, so take any spare moment to rest and recover and take care of yourself. Nap when the kids nap. Nap while your husband is playing with the kids in the next room. Nap while your sister takes the kids to the park. You'll need your energy, so make sure to get enough to eat. If you are hungry, have a snack. You will need good nutritious food to keep up your milk supply and to help your body recover from childbirth. Forget about how some silly celebrity woman posed in a bikini on the cover of People magazine a month after giving birth or some hyper-driven CEO returned to work after she was discharged from the hospital. Take your time to recover and rest.

*BUT ALSO* don't take it too easy that you find yourself wearing the same maternity yoga pants for 5 days straight because you still haven't left the house. Any feelings of post-partum crappiness will just be exacerbated by not going out and by not taking care of your body. Losing the post-partum weight will make *you* feel good... there's no need to consider what the rest of society thinks you should look like. And imagine all the cute outfits you can make when you fit into all of your old clothes again. More importantly, I think that doing something active (even if it's walking to the makolet to buy apples) and getting back to your old self will give you energy (both physical and mental) to take care of your kids. Remember what Elle Woods said "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy"

4. You can't complain *BUT ALSO* yes, you can... just complain quietly

I'm superstitious, so on public online forums, I try not to gush about how wonderful my kids are... for fear of the evil eye. Moreover, I have friends whose kids have special needs, illnesses, medical conditions and such.... and also friends struggling with infertility. So yeah, out of sensitivity, I try not to complain because actually, some of the people who would hear my complaints would give anything to be in my shoes. I think it's basic common decency.

*BUT ALSO* find sympathetic friends (real-life friends as well as internet-friends) who are in the same stage of life as you and kvetch away. And if you live near me, come over for coffee and we can commiserate about spit-up and blow-out poopy diapers.

Did any of that make sense? I'm not entirely sure that my brain still works. But yeah... today was a good day. 4 little puffballs were fed and dressed and taken to school (for those who go to school) and picked up and taken to the park and put to bed. Everyone is alive and I have a little spare time to write things on the internet, so I guess it means that I did everything right and that I must know everything now.

Tomorrow is another day. I probably won't know everything tomorrow. :)

The one piece of advice every new mom with little kids needs to hear.

I have opinions about a lot of things, but unless you ask me, I won't try to impose them on you. I won't tell you what to feed your baby, how to dress him, how to get him to sleep or whether or not he will be traumatized forever if you don't let him have a pacifier. However, there is one piece of advice that I try to give any new mom who has small children...

DON'T BE A JERK TO YOUR KIDS!!!!

That's it. That's all I want to say. This works whether you have 2 toddlers when the new baby is born or 8 toddlers. It works whether your kids are 10 months apart or 2+ years apart. No matter what your situation, you will have an easier time transitioning your new baby into your family if you are not a jerk to your kids.

Let me elaborate. Moms behaving like jerks make the other children resentful, jealous and attention-deprived (and prone to misbehave to regain attention)... so here are three rules about how not to be that jerky mom.

1. Don't drop everything when the baby cries
2. Don't push developmental milestones
3. Don't throw the family schedule upside down

What the first rule means is that when two little people are crying for your attention at the exact same second, you give your attention to the older one. In all fairness, the older child was there first. More importantly, they will notice when you drop the knife in the middle of making their sandwich so you can pick up a crying baby. Unless it's an emergency, the baby will be OK if she cries for another 20 seconds as you finish the sandwich and hand it to your toddler.

What you are communicating to your toddler is that they are important and that you are reliable and follow through on the things you promise them.

What the second rule means is that you respect where your children are developmentally and don't force them to toilet train or sleep in a big bed or walk instead of sitting in a stroller if they are not ready. Nobody has died from having several kids in diapers or buying a double stroller, but forcing a child to 'grow up' just because the new baby arrived and the baby needs his stuff is jerky. It shows a lack of respect for the child's abilities and desires. More importantly, it sets the stage for sibling rivalry and territorial battles.

If your older child is still at an age where it's normal for him to sleep in a crib (Google it, ask your friend who have kids, look it up in a book), then buy a second-hand crib for the new baby or borrow one from your cousin. The baby won't care where she sleeps as long as it is warm and comfy, but an older child will notice these things and may fight even harder to stay in *HIS* crib. You might even hear about it for the next 18 years....

What the third rule means is to respect the family routines as much as possible. Kids like routine, even older ones who say that they don't. They need security and stability and familiarity. If you go into labor on Wednesday morning and rush off to the hospital, they will forgive you for not taking them to the Gymboree on Wednesday afternoon and making homemade pizza like you always do. OK, but once the baby is home, too many weeks without Gymboree and pizza sends the signal that your older kids are not important and that one tiny person's needs surpass the needs of several little people. Little tiny babies are usually pretty portable; feed them, change them, wrap them up and pop them in a stroller (or baby carrier, if that's your thing) and you are free to go almost anywhere and do almost anything. Getting back to routines and familiar family events shows your older children that nothing has changed and that life goes on as normal.... because it should.

I have heard people say that a new baby always comes first. This may sound right on an intuitive level, but in practice, it means that your other kids always come second (don't get me started on where the husband's place is!) and I think that's a recipe for disaster. Like I said, a baby won't remember that you waited to change his diaper to make your toddlers sandwich, but a toddler will notice. And a tantrum-ing toddler can ruin your afternoon much faster than a baby crying for 30 seconds. A newborn is very high-maintenance, but if you plan on having a handful of them, it won't be practical to drop everything for two years to make sure the new baby gets all the immediate love and instant attention.

Also, you want to enlist your older kids as allies. You want them to grab you a diaper from across the room or watch the baby so you can have a shower. You want them to love the new baby and not see him as a threat to their way of life. You hope that they will be friends with their new sibling when he grows up. The last thing you want is children who feel neglected. Kids are creative and can find all kinds of ways to make trouble to get your attention away from the new baby.

So yeah, don't be a jerk.

An overflowing laundry hamper is a happy laundry hamper

Kids need clothes, that's inevitable. We all do. I've been hearing a few things lately that boggle my mind... friends with small children talking about laundry... lots and lots of laundry.... needing to wash several loads of laundry every day... I don't get it. Let me go on record to say that it is totally possible to raise a family with three little children and not feel like a laundry maid.

My strategy is energy conservation. I'm not talking about hanging laundry to save on running the dryer, I am talking about saving *MY* energy. Towards those ends, I try to do laundry as infrequently as possible and smile as I see the laundry hampers pile up.

The truth is, there are two competing ideas out there about how to minimize your workload in dressing your children and taking care of their clothes. Hear me out, I actually think both of these would work... it just depends on what kind of mom you are,

The first idea is to be a minimalist... only buy a few outfits for each kid per season... something like 3,4 or 5 weekday outfits and a Shabbos outfit. So yes, you will need to do laundry twice a week, but the magic is that one washer full of clothes gets all the kids clothes done! The idea is that you are organized and you know that you always wash laundry on such-and-such day. You make a plan, you have a routine, your life is easier because you never have to think about when you will do laundry... you already know when you will be washing your next 400 loads. Also, you have less clutter in your kids closets and it doesn't take so long to put away all the laundry. I also think this idea is cheaper, since you are buying fewer clothes.

Also, your house won't be a forest of outgrown clothes in boxes and bags. The idea is that your kids have a few outfits that they wear each season (if you're clever, you buy pieces that mix and match) and when your kids outgrow the clothes, they've probably been worn to death and can be given a proper military burial because they have done their duty. (you could also save any clothes that still look ok, it won't take up so much space, since it's only a few outfits)

This also solves the problem of kids who don't like hand-me-downs or kids who have a totally different sense of style than their older siblings. Also, if you have a large gap between two kids, you may end up making the younger one an unwitting fashion victim if the hand-me-downs you've been dutifully saving have gone out of style.

The second idea is completely the opposite... to have 2-3 weeks' worth of outfits for each kid. As such, you don't touch the washing machine until you use up every. single. piece. of. clothing. Doesn't it seem silly to wash the same few outfits when your kids have other clothes they could wear? What's the point of having those other clothes if they never get worn? I don't get it. So yes, you let the dirty laundry pile up... buy another hamper if you need to.

Realistically speaking, you will probably need to do one load during the 2-3 weeks for socks/underwear/PJs... but you don't touch the washing machine if there is something clean (and appropriate for the season and occasion) for your kids to wear. I actually enjoy the challenge of trying to make cute outfits out of the last remaining clean clothing items.... and pondering the deep existential question of whether orange and grey and pink go together.

This is a great strategy for someone who isn't good at juggling many tasks at the same time and leaves a load of wet clothes in the washing machine for several days because she got distracted while she was doing laundry and then this other thing came up and then she forgot.. or if you're an 'all or nothing' personality type who has a hard time getting herself motivated to do laundry.

If you're a master bargain hunter, this strategy is for you... or if you get lots of hand-me-downs from stylish family members or if you like shopping and have the money to buy lots of clothes. The point is not to think about laundry all the time.... if your kids have clothes in their closet, then there's nothing to worry about. Also, when the inevitable laundry day rolls around, you will have an easier time sorting and folding... if you fill up a whole washing machine with only one child's clothes, you take them out and put them all in that child's closet... there is no guesswork about who a particular item belongs to.

Personally, I am a devotee of the second method. This was my strategy when I was in college... I wore every piece of clothing that I could wear before I went to the laundromat. And yes, I still do this for my own clothing too.... also household stuff like towels and sheets and tablecloths. Some people are minimalists in this area too... they will wash the same Shabbos tablecloth every week and use it until it's worn out and then buy a new one. As for me, I have a silly amount of tablecloths.

I think most women I know are neither the minimalist types nor the laundry-binge types
... they're always tripping over piles of kid clothes, but also it seems like there is never anything for the kids to wear. Also, they feel stress every time they see an overflowing laundry hamper... that's no way to live! I think it makes more sense to streamline your kids' wardrobes or to delay laundry day as long as possible. Either way, the name of the game is 'easy'.

Let me add one more thing on the subject of washing clothes, I love my dryer!!!! You couldn't pay me enough to hang clothes outside on the line. Sorry if that sounds snobbish, but snobbishness is not at the root of this disdain for line drying... line drying is more work! If you know me, you would know that I am a big fan of shortcuts, especially for moms with small children. Running the dryer costs money, but money is something that you can make more of... your time and energy is a scarce resource. If you wear yourself out doing household chores and have no energy for your kids, then your priorities are misplaced.

Like I said, I am a big believer in energy conservation.... you do what you can to save *YOUR* energy and don't worry about your carbon footprint.