The power of "I don't want to!"

I love junk food. As a child, I remember thinking how lucky adults were because they got to eat whatever they wanted. When I grew up, I thought to myself, I would eat potato chips and drink Coca Cola whenever I wanted. No bossy parents would tell me what to do! I looked forward to being an adult because adults get to make their own choices and answer to no one. So, what did I have for lunch today? Vegetable soup and bread. But I could have had chips and Coke.... I just didn't want to.

I'm a big believer in free choice. It's hard for me to hear people talk about some drudgery that the endure because "I'm supposed to..." or "I'm not allowed to..." or "I should...". This kind of talk makes me want to hit people over the head (not to actually injure them, but with one of those blow-up hammers that make a squeaky noise) and shout. "Who says that? Why are you listening to them? You get to do what you want... you're a grown-up!" I really don't think people grasp their own power. To me, one of the most powerful phrases in the English language is "I don't want to".

That's right, no one says you have to do anything! You can always say no.

Of course, we live in a world governed by natural laws and consequences. If you don't want to work, find a way to live without a salary. If you don't want to wear a coat, deal with being cold. If you don't want to pay taxes, prepare to serve some jail time. I think most people may complain about their circumstances, but if you press them, they will admit that their so-called obligations are the result of their own choices..... they chose to take that job, they chose to be religious, they chose to have three little children spaced very close together.

Parents especially, need to internalize this idea because everywhere they go, someone will be telling them what they should be doing. Very rarely will a stranger stop you on the street and give you random advice... until you have kids. Some days, you will feel like you're walking around with a huge bumper sticker that says "How is my parenting? Call 1-800-345-7890" You can walk around all day with a bad haircut or unflattering jeans without anyone saying a word, but it seem like once you have a baby,everyone is giving away opinions like those little samples of halva that guy at the shuk is always waving in your face.

Say you decide to take your new baby out for a walk to the store in her nice new stroller. You see one of your neighbors in the hallway who comments about how materialistic some people are because they buy such fancy things for their children. Ouch! You dart back into your apartment and grab the hand-me-down stroller your sister-in-law gave you.... and run into another neighbor who chastises you for jeopardizing your baby's safety by using such a cheaply-made stroller. If you're still holding onto a few pounds of baby weight, you'll run into a friend who will regale you with stories of her cousin who gave birth to triplets and left the hospital wearing skinny jeans. If you've lost all the baby weight, then you'll run into a friend who will tell you "You don't have to starve yourself to look like a model.. your milk is going to dry up if you don't eat" You can't win!

If your baby is crying while you're waiting in line at the supermarket, the lady in front of you will tell you to give her a pacifier. Once you give the pacifier, the lady in line behind you will tell you how pacifiers will ruin a child's teeth. If you take out a bottle for the baby to feed your baby, the mom in the line to your right will glare at you and mutter "breast is best" under her breath. If you try to nurse your baby, the mom in the line to your left will tell you that it's immodest and besides, "Your baby looks pretty skinny... are you sure you're making enough milk? You really should supplement with formula" What's the solution? Stay inside. Find a way to order your groceries online and never leave the house.

What's a parent to do? You can smile and nod and hope the person goes away soon - sometimes this works. If you really want to make the advice-giver happy, pull out a small notepad and start asking them details ... yes, she should be wearing a hat...what kind of hat should I get? What fabric? Where's the best place to buy one? Should she wear it all the time?..etc. Unless you're planning to follow through, this approach is a little disingenuous... and you had better hope you don't run into that same person when your baby is hat-less on a chilly day.

What if it's a person you will see repeatedly... like a co-worker or (even worse!) a relative? You have to use your powers of "I don't want to". Remind yourself that you're an adult who can make their own choices. It shouldn't matter that "Everyone is doing....." or "You really should..." or even "There's a study that shows that...". You smile, thank them for their suggestions and tell them that you've carefully considered it and decided on another course of action.

That's the polite way to say "I don't want to!"