Once a child catches on that their parent is a big fat liar, it's game over. The child loses respect for the parent and no longer trusts them. Moreover, they become suspicious of all adults, worrying if their teacher, rabbi, doctor.... etc are also big fat liars. What kind of kids do you get? Cynical and mistrustful and oftentimes manipulative little liars themselves.
If I can give you one piece of parenting advice, it's this. I don't actually care how long your nurse your baby, whether they sleep in your bed or whether you feed them Bamba at 6 months old or give them only organic sea-kelp as a snack.... just don't be a liar.
Most people know enough to steer clear of obvious lies. You don't say "We'll have ice cream after dinner" and not give your kids ice cream. That's pretty obvious. A lot of stupid lies parents tell are more subtle, but they're still lies and in some ways, they're even worse than the thing about the ice cream.
This is what I'm talking about...
"You're the best" "You're the smartest in your school" "You're the best player on the team" - In the name of self-esteem, I've heard parents try to puff up their child with this stuff. Insincere flattery is a lie. Even if your kid actually is the smartest in their class, it's inevitable that one day, some other kid will get a better grade on a test and your child will be crushed because he believed that he was the smartest and the smartest one is always the best. Kids need complements, but they don't need dumb hyperbole and insincere flattery. In reali life, it's OK not to be the best! (remember, everyone who passes medical school gets to be a doctor, not just the best student in the class)
"You can be anything you want and do anything you want when you grow up" - There's a fine line between encouraging your children to have big dreams and leading them on. Kids need to know how many hours of daily practice a prima ballerina does or how many years of college an astronaut needs. It's a little disingenuous to give kids the impression that wanting something really really really badly is enough - it sets them up for disappointment later in life. Parents need to walk a fine line between encouraging their children to have aspirations, but also recognizing the amount of hard work (and luck!) that goes into everything. The last thing you want is a child who thinks math and science are useless because they're going to be a supermodel or a rapper when they grow up.
"God will listen to you if you pray, learn, do good deeds.. etc" - Parents can't just manipulate their children into good religious behavior by pretending that the Allmighty is like an ATM... mitzvas go in, blessings come out. Religion is deep and complex and you can't make your kids obedient by over-simplifying things. Unless you have a direct hotline to God, you can't say with certainty that He will reward your kids for being good (and conversely, punish them for misdeeds) Besides, this idea loses credibility once they see misfortune happen to good people and you can't explain it away by saying that so-and-so was killed in a car accident because they ate bread that morning but didn't say a blessing afterwards.
"Eat this and you will grow up to be big and strong" - This is one lie my parents pulled on me to manipulate me to eat meat (which I hated!).. they said that my hair would grow long if I ate meat. Well, I didn't eat it and my hair still grew. Vegetarians grow up healthy. So do kids who don't drink their milk or eat their vegetables. Good parents are ones who try to make a healthy diet work around a child's preferences. It's lame to threaten kids with stunted growth to get them to eat their dinner. There are many ideas about what constitutes good nutrition. You never know... your kids may find out that their tall muscle-bound basketball coach is a vegan.
"Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny" - Yes, it's fun to pretend things, but you had better fess up the moment your child asks if something is real or make-believe. Vigorously defending something that's fake makes you look like a liar because they will (one day) find out the truth. It insults children's intelligence when they ask a good question and you reply by heaping lies on top of lies. Also, your child may become reeeeealy skeptical of religion and lump it in with the made-up stories you've told them.
"You are the most important thing in my life" - This is actually a two-fold lie... parents lie when they tell it to themselves and then lie when they repeat it to their kids. I have a huuuge problem with any parenting philosophy that puts the child at the center of the universe. Remember, before you had children, you were part of a couple and before you were part of a couple, you were your own person. Children are high needs (especially when they're small) but when a mother has the mindset that the child is the most important thing in her life, she makes her husband feel sidelined and she allows herself to be made into a shmatta for the childrens' sake. The best way to raise a spoiled brat is to let the child think that their needs (or wants!) over-ride their parents' time, attention, personal space..etc
I actually believe that the best thing you can do for a child is to provide them with a secure and stable homelife. That means that a new little baby doesn't disrupt the whole family's life, but fits into it.
Practically speaking, this means letting go of parenting practices that are "best for the baby" when you become uncomfortable with them or when they interfere with your marriage relationship. If breastfeeding is tiring you out, do it less often or stop. If being a stay-at-home mom drives you crazy, find a job. If you can't be intimate with your husband because the baby is always in your bed, accustom the baby to sleeping in a crib. If home-cooked organic meals are too difficult, serve macaroni and cheese one night a week.
Moms (especially moms with several small children!) need to grow a thick skin and become resistant to mommy guilt. Tell yourself that you're doing the best you can and that it doesn't matter that you're not living up to some ideal standard that someone else set.
I don't know if I have the magic formula for parenting, but I'm pretty sure that if you're honest with yourself and honest with your kids, then you'll be off to a good start.
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