Lies, the lying liars who should be telling them

If you spend any time in the land of internet mommyhood, there is a common complaint you will repeatedly hear... a mommy-person was out in some public space and some comment by some random stranger made her feel judged or shamed or even worse.  I think I've shared the following advice a dozen times, so now I decided to write a proper blog post and elaborate a little.

What's the best response to some nosy comment by a stranger? Lie, lie lie! That's right, just tell the person whatever you think they want to hear... smile... and walk away knowing that you have contributed to world peace.

Let me back up for a second and assert something which I truly believe: not everyone who asks deeply personal questions is malicious, some people are socially clueless or lack conversation skills. A perfect stranger is grasping at straws trying to make conversation with you, they see that you have a baby, so they pull out whatever bit of baby-related information they can think of.... "so, are you breastfeeding?" "is she sleeping through the night?" "how much weight did you gain when you were pregnant?" ...you know, silly innocuous non-offensive things like that... lol.

For real, I don't think most people (men! older people! teenagers!) realize that these are actually sensitive topics to mommy-people. If you saw a guy holding a dog, you would make small talk about dogs, if you saw a guy with tennis rackets, you would make small talk about tennis, people see a mom with a baby, so.....

I think life is easier if you just assume that some people are truly clueless. Don't get offended, just tell them whatever you think they want to hear... and talk about something else. If it's just a random stranger trying to pass time waiting for the bus, they likely don't *care* about your answers, they just want to talk.

Aside from the truly clueless, there *are* people who strike up sensitive conversations with random strangers because they have some kind of agenda. I won't deny it, some people believe that their mission in life is to point out other people's faults and help them to do better. Missionaries totally fall into the category of people who should be lied to. Why? Someone like that is pretty entrenched in their beliefs (about breastfeeding or sleep training or pregnancy weigh gain) and no amount of "educating" or "enlightening" or "speaking out" will impact their worldview. If nothing else, you strengthen them by reacting so negatively to their nosy questions....why are you getting so defensive if you're doing the right thing?

So yeah, if you realize that some fanatical woman (they're almost always women!) is asking you a loaded question about pregnancy or childbirth or parenting, then diffuse her crusade by answering her with whatever you think she wants to hear. Then smile and say "Yeah, I know" when she starts to spout opinions. In onlineland, these are the kind of people who troll FB groups and start arguments to pass the time. (Halevai... we should all be blessed with so much free time)

What's the point of becoming a lying liar? To avoid those difficult emotional conversations with perfect strangers where you waste your time and energy and leave upset. Don't let the rest of your day be ruined by people who you will never see again.

You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you choose to live your life....let's all be clear here.

If a real person you know starts to ask these uncomfortable questions, it's legit to say "we don't ask people such questions" or "I don't want to talk about this' or answering their question honestly and letting them know that their assumptions aren't accurate. There is a time and place to pour your guts out and let people know that life isn't black and white and that their stereotypes aren't true. It's important to speak out, to educate others, to use your life as an example and to make the world a more tolerant place...but that can only come from people who you have a real relationship with.

With regards to perfect strangers, I think the way to spread peace in the world (and to keep yourself calm and happy) is to smile and nod and bend the truth to fit their view of the world.

And yes, there is a legit religious precedent for lying to keep peace between people. Pirkei Avos tells us, “Be like the students of Aharon Hakohen.”... Aharon strove to make peace between people. When he saw two people arguing he would pretend that both sides wanted to make up.

Like I keep saying on all these FB mommy group posts.... just tell people what they want to hear... and go on with your life.

Wasting money can be a good thing - yes, really.

Here's a riddle: what's the difference between the electric company and a mom with 5 little children?

answer: only one of them has unlimited energy. (I'll leave you to guess which one...lol)

There are phrases I have heard repeated in Israel soooo often, I would be inclined to think they came from the Talmud - or from the writings of some great Rabbi.... stuff like "A dryer uses up so much power" "Your water bill will go up if you buy a dishwasher" "All those machines are just going to take up space on your kitchen counters" I don't disagree with any of them, but this is not the philosophy that I choose to live my life by.

Let me make the obvious point, which I think some moms-of-many-small-children miss... there are *some* problems that go away when you throw a little money at them.

A person only has a limited amount of energy and patience and strength every day.... once a person's energy has been exhausted, it won't come back so quickly (usually, not until after a good night's sleep). Electricity and water and an electrical appliance's strength... these are things that are replenished almost instantly. I would also count money as one of these renewable resources... you can always make more money, but if you wear yourself out, then your day is finished. Also, when your body is "done"... also your patience and your tolerance and whatnot.

Let me put myself squarely into the corner of electricty-wasters and water-wasters and counter-space-wasters and tell you that I LOOOOOVE my dryer and my dishwasher and some of the time-saving kitchen appliances that I have bought. Also, I would like to share that I will NEVER NEVER NEVER cook a pot of dried beans on the stove. (maybe I should write 'never' a few more times to get the point)... because they come in cans.

We aren't rich by any means, but my husband agrees with me that my sanity is worth more than a few shekels of electricity. Your sanity is worth it too... believe me, it is.

The two obvious energy-savers (YOUR energy, not the power company's) are a dishwasher and a dryer. You can buy one secondhand or get the appliance store to spread it out over a bunch of payments... or tell your in-laws that you don't want a crib or a stroller when the new baby comes... you want a dryer!

I don't think I have to explain that putting stuff into a machine and pressing the button is easier than doing it yourself.

Incidentally, there are other things you can do to make your laundry time easier. For example, I HATE HATE HATE baby socks (should I write "hate" again) because they are fussy and dumb and hard to keep track of. You will either see my baby in outfits with feet or wearing pants with feet under his outfits... NO SOCKS!

The other thing is to figure out what foods you are hopeless in cooking... and delegate your work to some electrical appliance that will take up space on your counter and cause your electric bill to rise.

A rice-cooker is one of my favourite things ever! I am awful at making rice, even though I know how supposedly simple it is. The rice-cooker was 120nis and makes foolproof rice with no effort. I have burned and/or undercooked enough pots of rice to realize that it is not worth my time to try. A rice cooker makes other food too (look online!).... add some red lentils to the uncooked rice and throw in dried onions and you have the fastest mujadarra you will ever make.

That's the same idea with the my hatred of dried beans. I do not have the time to spend hours cooking a pot of beans. Truthfully, I do not have the mental space to realize that I need to start cooking a pot of beans a bunch-of-hours ahead of time. Also, I have burned or undercooked beans all too often. So yeah, canned beans are my friend. In an instant, you can have rice-and-beans or bean soup or countless other nutritious meals.

I am also reeeealy lousy at making popcorn, so a popcorn maker is something I recently bought. Popcorn is a cheap and healthy snack, but I have never successfully made it with a pot...never never never... I could try a hundred times, but my kids wouldn't eat it and there would be a mess in the pot. It's just not worth it.

I am happy to admit that I am a quitter... if something is too difficult, then I quit. My time and energies are better spent taking care of my kids... or getting to bed at a reasonable hour.

Oh gosh, now that I read these last few comments, I see that it really sounds like I'm dumb. That's actually not the case... it's more like distracted. I can't just cook food and focus on the food because I am watching 5 little children... so after 'wipe my tushy!" "he took my toy!" "I want a glass of milk" and "the baby smells yucky"... and that's the real reason my rice burns or my popcorn flops.

Like I said, veteran Israelis spurn dryers and dishwashers and kitchen machines as wasteful and excessive. Don't listen to them! The electric company never runs out of power. You do. (all the more so if you don't have a MIL living next door who helps out... and hangs the laundry!)

Many of life's problems can't be solved by throwing money at them.. but this is one of them that can.

If you have the money, spend it!

If you maybe possibly have the money, spend it!

If you think about something else that you could do without so that you can spend your energy taking care of your children instead of taking care of dishes or laundry.... re-budget your budget.

I am a big believer in there being a time for everything... different periods in your life when one thing is more important than others. When you have small children, there is no 'saving for a rainy day'... it's already raining!!!

Tune out your Israeli neighbors and just get a dryer. Get it delivered when she's out.

Parenting in a nutshell

I am not a video game person, but I think the best metaphor for parenting is one of those fighting games... you know, the ones where two ninjas/robots/gladiators fight until one is slumped over on the ground. What I mean, is that both players start the game with a little strip that indicates how much power reserves they have... as the game goes on, that power is diminished by each hit, until one player's reserve runs out and he loses the game. That. is. parenting.

Parenting is a race to see whether your kids will wear you out or whether you can survive the day past bedtime with some of your power reserves intact. This holds true whether you have one child or four or eighteen. Kids, by the way, are not your enemies or your adversaries or little tiny ninjas... they're not doing this on purpose. It's just the nature of kids, they demand a lot of energy. They also have a lot of energy... funny that.

What can you do? I think all moms need to be experts in energy conservation so that we can finish the day with our kids in bed and still have something left for ourselves. We need to wear the kids out before they can wear us out! Visualize yourself with that little power strip floating above your head... think about how everything you do is draining away at your power.... and do your best to keep it from draining too fast.

What does energy conservation entail? The first thing is finding shortcuts in your housework and cooking. Do the bare minimum to keeping the house orderly. I always laugh when someone suggests getting cleaning help, so I won't say it.... because yeah...ok, I'm still trying to discover a lake of gold in my backyard. Find whatever works for you... I love freezing meals and do a lot of crockpot cooking and save all my laundry for one big day of washing instead of washing every day. Also, if you can do it, de-clutter! Keeping track of less stuff takes less effort.... really really. If you give away half your clothes, your closet will be easier to organize. If you put some of your kids toys in a box in the attic, your kids rooms will be easier to clean. (regarding the toys... wait a few months and switch out toys)

 

Also, there is nothing wrong with spending a little money to make your life easier. You can always make more money (!!!), but your time and energy are things that you can never get back. Running a dryer takes money, hanging clothes takes effort. If you have the cash, consider buying appliances that make your life easier. If you don't have the cash for a dishwasher, splurge on a package of disposable plastic plates... each package is 50 plates that you will never have to scrape, wash or put away... totally worth the 4nis, right?

 

Washing dishes is hard for everybody, but not every parenting "thing" is so cut and dried. Some moms say that co-sleeping is easier, some moms say that keeping the baby in another room is easier. Both are probably right and I don't judge either of them. Who bothers me? The "I have to do what's best for my children" mom! That actually sounds nice on the surface, but I think it's tragic *if* the thing that she thinks is best is becoming difficult and she persists. IMO, the best thing for kids is a happy and healthy and sane mommy. Period.

How do you wear out your children's power supply??? They do it themselves! My rule is to let *them* do most of the talking and most of the running around. Watch me at the park... I'm not the mom crawling up the slide with her kids. I'm the one with her tush firmly planted on the bench! I bring them snacks, I bring them toys, I watch them play and say things like "You are climbing so well" "I see you up there... good job" ...plus making sure that nobody is gushing blood. The kids are the ones running around and using up their energy. If you want to run and jump, join a Zumba class. (for real... those look like fun)

The other thing you will never find me doing is proving a running life commentary to a child. I'm sure you've seen it... a mom walking with her child in the stroller... the child is quiet and happy... the mom, thinking she is doing some good, is talking the poor child's ear off... "Look at that tree, what pretty white flowers it has, we call it an almond tree, in the fall those little flowers will make nuts and we can eat them..etc" Moms of older kids do the same... trying to use every waking moment to teach the child something or tell them a story from the Gemarah. As educational as this can be, you are wasting your precious energy plus it discourages the child from talking since *you* are his entertainment. You want *him* to talk. Your lines are "Oh, really? Why " "Tell me about that" "What do you think?" Kids say funny and interesting stuff sometimes... and when they are bigger, they may share their innermost thoughts with you if they see that you are a good listener.

A huge power-drainer is putting babies to bed. I hear of moms who rock and pat and shush and swing and sing the entire score of "Les Miserables" in order to get their baby to sleep. I wasn't OK with this idea when I only had one child... but I have seen moms who did this with baby #1 and who pulled their hair out once their second is born... suddenly an impatient toddler is asking for a sandwich but mom is sitting in a rocking chair in the baby's room singing "Master of the House" in her best French accent. I don't pat. I don't rock. I don't sing. I plop. From the beginning, I make sure my baby is fed and burped and wearing a clean diaper and is otherwise calm and then I gently lay him in his crib and leave. I come back in a few minutes to check on him, but (for real!) it is not hard to get a baby accustomed to falling asleep on his own. I think this only involves a massive amount of crying if it's done after the baby has been patted and walked and shushed for months. Once he has figure it out, your life is a thousand times easier.

 

So yeah, that's my deep insight this week. There is only so much energy that you are given for each day. If you exhaust yours too early, then you end up letting the kids walk all over you and you give them Cheetos for supper. Even worse, you have nothing left in case you want to go do something after the kids are in bed... or enjoy some time with your spouse. Tragically enough, you might even forget *how* you got all those kids in the first place...lol.
 

I've heard well-meaning granola-heads proudly speak about putting themselves 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) and giving their child all their energy... at least for the years when they are still small. It doesn't sound "so bad" when a woman says that, but I still think she is doing herself serious harm. I am still waiting for my mail-order medical degree to arrive, but I wholeheartedly believe that people get sick when they neglect their bodies. Constantly being in 'giving mode' can't be healthy... no matter how many vitamins we take.  I've heard it said that a good night's sleep is natural Prozac... and I could not agree more.

 

I recently had my "AHA!" moment about why extreme crunchy parenting practices rubbed me the wrong way. Crunchy parenting has a compelling argument... "women have raised their children like this for thousands of years" they say. I couldn't refute that until I realized something... ancient societies lived at a slower pace, had extended family around, centered life around the home and were more in-tune with the rhythms of life. For example, moms weren't up at 2am... not surfing the net, not getting one more load of laundry in  and certainly not baking cupcakes for a gan party. People didn't run around so much, they led simple lives and that's how they were able to take care of their kids like that. The sun set and they went to sleep. They all worked from home. And yeah.... there was no one online to argue with. 

 

In the end, I think we are all trying to do our best with what we have (and raise Nobel Prize winning physicists and great Rabbis... of course!) but we can't lose ourselves in the pursuit of taking care of our children. Even if our kids are super-wicked-awesome kids, our job is still difficult. And for real, energy conservation is the only way to go.
 

You gotta have fuel for the baby factory...

Let me be Debbie Downer for just a minute. If you haven't heard it from a pregnancy book or from your doctor or from some snarky mom in the park who is convinced you're "not doing the best for your children" by having so many so close together, let me say it:

Closely-spaced pregnancies can be dangerous. There is a higher likelihood of complications during pregnancy and labor. Also, there is a higher risk of premature delivery and of delivering low-birthweight babies.

Those are real medical facts. Whether you hear them said in some snarky way or written in a book... that's just what it is.

But wait! There is something else the pregnancy books say... that these risk factors can be largely overcome by *EXCELLENT NUTRITION*.

Excellent nutrition is tricky for me. If I had spare cash, I would be the paragon of excellent nutrition. I would hire a raw food chef and buy organic produce and sprout my own grains and I would be skinny like Gwyneth Paltrow and my skin would glow. Totally true. But until I can follow Gwyneth's diet, I do the best I can to eat healthy, but I am also honest with myself. I KNOW that I am in nutritional overdraft.

I think excellent nutrition is tricky for any mom, so here is my lifehack.. I take silly amounts of vitamins.

Some people don't believe in vitamins. And some people only think they need prenatals and some folic acid when they're pregnant, but I am convinced that women having several children (close together or not) are seriously jeopardizing their health by not taking some kind of supplements. Under normal circumstances, I think most people can get the majority of their nutritional needs from diet alone... I'm not a pill pusher. But when you're talking about *REPEATEDLY FORMING A HUMAN BEING IN YOUR BODY*, you need some back-up.

Eating nutritious food is great, but it's not enough to replenish the vitamin stores in your body that you depleted during pregnancy.... plus building up stores for the next pregnancy... plus healing from childbirth... and all this while you produce breastmilk. That's a whole lot of kale and techina you'll need to eat! Can you look me straight in the eye and tell me that you've never had pasta with ketchup for dinner because that's what the kids were eating and it looked yummy and you were too tired to go soak quinoa?

So yeah, I take some silly amount of vitamins every day. I do it when I'm pregnant. I do it when I'm not pregnant. This is my soapbox.

I take a multivitamin/multimineral which has a bit of everything except the kitchen sink. It isn't synthetic chemical vitamins but it's mostly concentrated fruit and vegetable compounds. (it's 3 separate pills) You can find stuff like this in healthfood stores... naturally-sources multivitamins or food concentrates. There are even liquid multivitamin syrups, which are more easily absorbed and digested than a pill. Even if all you can afford is a cheap multivitamin, you are still better off than someone who isn't taking anything at all. If you are missing nutrients, the various processes in your body will not work as efficiently as they're meant to.

The other thing I take is iron. I take Spatone (mineral water that's super-rich in iron) and also Floradix (an herbal syrup with iron and vitamins)... you dump both into a glass of juice (which has vitamin c helps iron absorb) and drink. Iron is crucial during pregnancy... you are making liters and liters of new blood.

Although I eat loads of dairy, I take a calcium supplement too. Remember that old wives tale about how a woman loses a tooth with each baby? It's not entirely accurate... if a mother's diet is deficient in calcium, the growing baby takes calcium out of her bones. Yes, seriously. I think I might need my bones for when I'm old, so I try to take care of them.

The other obvious thing is folic acid, which is always in my cocktail of supplements. Also, a b-complex supplement because I am vegetarian. And also vitamin C for the immune system.

Don't get me wrong, I eat piles of fresh produce and make vegetable soups all the time, but since I know that I am pushing my body to its limits, I try to respect my body by taking care of it.

Let's say you are pregnant for the first time... but you don't get all your nutrients because you're nauseaous or uninterested in food or because the baby squishes your tummy. It's OK... the baby uses up the nutrient stores in your body. If you wait 2+ years like everyone recommends, then you have probably been eating normally for 2+ years and have gradually built up those nutrients once again. *BUT* if you become pregnant when your new baby is 6 months old, it's like you're staring a road trip with an empty gas tank. So yeah... that's where those warnings about premature babies and low-birthweight babies come in. Every pregnancy book says it.

Apart from taking care of the baby, good nutrition helps you heal from childbirth. I won't share TMI, but my C-section scar is healing quite nicely because I made an effort to take piles of vitamin C after the birth. Scars heal from the inside... no magic cream can replace your body's natural cell repair mechanisms, which are helped by antioxidants (like vitamin c) and beta carotene and also vitamin e.

I take crazy amounts of vitamins. Unless you are me, you don't have to take crazy amounts. If you can look at yourself and honestly say that you have an impeccable diet, then I will leave you alone. But otherwise, this is my advice to all new moms, old moms, soon-to-be moms and wannabee-moms. The baby factory needs fuel to run on.

Dealing with the hardest thing about my life, as faaabulous as it is.

Do you want to know what is the hardest thing about my life is?

 

It's not waking up at strange hours of the night. It's not all the spit-up on my clothes or even the tragically lamentable fact that my "skinny coat" hung in my closet all last winter unworn. It's the fact that my parents are all the way across the ocean. They can't pop over for dinner. They can't babysit at a moment's notice. They can't just show up for a gan graduation party and take a million photos. They. are. halfway. across. the. world.

 

I'm not alone. It's a common complaint I have heard from mommy friends here in Israel... and much more tragic than an unworn jacket. I could always buy a larger coat, but it is unlikely that my parents will live closeby. Like ever.

What to do? I hear lot of people suggest finding friends who are in a similar predicament...  to move to a community that is warm and welcoming and pulls together in times of crisis. The idea is to create a new extended family-of-sorts; to have people to share good time and bad times with, to get help when you need it and to commiserate about the lack of Target and Pumpkin Spice lattes. I think this is good and true and right, but there's something crucial that's missing.

I think the first thing a mom whose parents are overseas needs to do is to ACCEPT. This is a decidedly unoriginal thought that the 12-step support group people have patented.... accepting the things you cannot change.

 

In my opinion, this is HUGE. You will be in suuuuch a better mental space if you decide to accept your life situation as it really is... instead of wishing and hoping that things will be different. Unless you can pay a kidnapper to bring your parents to Israel, you can't force them to come here, so why waste your mental energy on wishing things were different. Of course, we can always pray... but that's different... I'm talking about plain old complaining.... I wish my parents lived closeby. I would be happier if my parents lived closeby. Why don't my parents live closeby?

 

Imagine that a cat woke up one day and decided that he wanted to be a dog. If he spent his time moping about and dwelling on how much he wished he was a dog... well, he would miss out on some good catnaps and tasty chicken bones from the dumpster... and at the end of the day he would remain a cat. Even worse, an unhappy cat.
 

The other HUGE thing is a mental re-direction. Instead of focusing on what you are lacking, strive to be AWESOME at what you do. In my case, it means doing my best to become really really independent. You heard me, I said really really independent. As in, supermommy. Find a way to handle everything by yourself. All, by. yourself.

 

You may have a great hubby that pitches in. You might have helpful friends and neighbors. You might live in a community where people jump over themselves to put your stroller on the bus and hold your baby so you can pay the bus driver. Call me a cynic, but I believe that at some point, people will fail you. Humans are fallible. There is a massive calmness and self-confidence that comes from knowing that you could hold the fort alone, if need be.
 

What this translates to, in practical terms, is figuring out a way to take the kids to the park all by yourself, taking the kids on the bus all by yourself, getting the kids ready for school all by yourself...etc. The logistics are up to you, but the point is to build yourself up into a supermommy by knowing that you actually could do everything without help. When you do get help, be happy and grateful *but* when people invariably flake out, smile and be confident in the knowledge that you can do it!

 

This is precisely why I bought my big clunky triple stroller. It was my secret weapon to take all of my 3 little kids out on a trip all by myself. Your secret weapon could be some super-easy dinner that everyone can eat by themselves. Or some cool activity that keeps all the kids occupied so you can take a break. But yeah... arm yourself. In the same way you would walk with confidence if you had a gun hidden away somewhere, you should walk with confidence knowing that you have strategies to cope with whatever life throws at you.

 

Let me say it again, just in case anyone missed it. I am*not* advocating going at it alone. I totally think that moms whose parents are overseas should find one another and kibitz and help one another out. I totally think that moms whose parents are overseas should seek out warm and supportive communities to live in....but in the end, it's all up to you.

 

This isn't just a coping strategy for moms with parents who are overseas, it's life skills 101.

 

1) Accept what you are

2) Embrace it

3) Become awesome at it.

 

For real, don't be that cat wishing he was a dog. Be a freakin' awesome cat!

Now that I have 4 kids, I know everything about having 4 kids

Mazal tov to me! Our 4th little puffball was born in June.... he was an addition to my collection of little children ages 4, 3 and almost-2.

Now that two months have passed by, I don't yet feel like I know everything about raising 4 little children, but I felt the need to distill my experiences into a blog post. I thought long and hard about what to write and finally realized that I couldn't establish any hard-and-fast rules about what it is like to have 4 little children. To tell you the truth, it's more like a series of paradoxical statements. Trust me, it makes sense.

1. Get help!!! *BUT ALSO* do it all yourself.

Everyone knows that famous people have the easiest parenting job. Why? Because they have someone washing their floors and folding their laundry and cooking 7-course organic vegan raw-food meals so they can watch their kids play soccer without a care in the world. They outsource the difficult stuff so they can enjoy the fun stuff.... it's a great idea! If you can afford it, get a cleaning lady. Get a mother's helper to help with the baby while you play with the older kids.. Take up any offers for free babysitting from sisters, cousins, nieces, neighbors..etc. Also, enlist your husband to help. Find out if a nearby highschool or seminary has a program where they send out their girls to do volunteer work to help in the community. The ideal thing is for you to spend quality time with the kids while someone else does the things that are less important.

*BUT ALSO* figure out a way to do everything all by yourself with no help whatsoever. Call me a cynic, but people will fail you. Cleaning ladies and babysitters won't show up. Friends and neighbors will flake out on you. Even husbands get busy with their own things. So yeah, figure out a way to be self-reliant and do everything on your own, if need be. With me, this involves some crazy level of multitasking... rocking the baby with one hand and feeding my 2-year-old yogurt with the other hand.... also holding simultaneous ADHD-like conversations with 3 kids at the same time. Streamline and simplify your routine to fit everything into a finite amount of time, just in case you find yourself doing it all yourself.

2. Give individual attention *BUT ALSO* make every activity a group activity

A mom with a large family (oy! is that what I have now?) needs to make a concerted effort to make each child feel special and unique. Every day, you need to do something to make each child feel like they are your only child. If a child feels loved and cherished, he won't decide to 'act out' in order to gain attention. To keep your children from feeling like they are lost in the shuffle, you need to carve out a space where your time and attention is focused on that one child and the universe stands still. Yes, I'm serious. If you are two years old, the universe stands still when you are sitting in your mother's lap and she is reading your favorite book... for the 3rd time straight.

*BUT ALSO* there is not enough time in the day. Sometimes, the only way that you will be able to get everything done is to include everyone. In my house, everyone eats together, bathes together... etc. Even though the new baby won't appreciate outings to the park or the Gymboree, I plop him in the stroller when he's sleeping and take him along... otherwise I would be stuck at home. Strollers can be comfortable places to sleep in. Also, I can't count the times that I dragged my baby chair into the bathroom so I could plop the baby in his chair so I could watch him as I bathed the older ones. You save time and effort and also you are gradually getting the new baby adjusted to the older kids' schedule.... one day when he is old enough to sit up, you will plop him in a baby bath seat and bathe him along with the others. If you live in an apartment with a small bathtub, consider what would be harder... doing separate bath-times for each of the kids or paying to install a new large-sized tub. If it was my dilemma, I would get the new tub.

3. Take it easy and give yourself time to rest *BUT ALSO* bounce back ASAP

Giving birth is hard, taking care of children is hard, so take any spare moment to rest and recover and take care of yourself. Nap when the kids nap. Nap while your husband is playing with the kids in the next room. Nap while your sister takes the kids to the park. You'll need your energy, so make sure to get enough to eat. If you are hungry, have a snack. You will need good nutritious food to keep up your milk supply and to help your body recover from childbirth. Forget about how some silly celebrity woman posed in a bikini on the cover of People magazine a month after giving birth or some hyper-driven CEO returned to work after she was discharged from the hospital. Take your time to recover and rest.

*BUT ALSO* don't take it too easy that you find yourself wearing the same maternity yoga pants for 5 days straight because you still haven't left the house. Any feelings of post-partum crappiness will just be exacerbated by not going out and by not taking care of your body. Losing the post-partum weight will make *you* feel good... there's no need to consider what the rest of society thinks you should look like. And imagine all the cute outfits you can make when you fit into all of your old clothes again. More importantly, I think that doing something active (even if it's walking to the makolet to buy apples) and getting back to your old self will give you energy (both physical and mental) to take care of your kids. Remember what Elle Woods said "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy"

4. You can't complain *BUT ALSO* yes, you can... just complain quietly

I'm superstitious, so on public online forums, I try not to gush about how wonderful my kids are... for fear of the evil eye. Moreover, I have friends whose kids have special needs, illnesses, medical conditions and such.... and also friends struggling with infertility. So yeah, out of sensitivity, I try not to complain because actually, some of the people who would hear my complaints would give anything to be in my shoes. I think it's basic common decency.

*BUT ALSO* find sympathetic friends (real-life friends as well as internet-friends) who are in the same stage of life as you and kvetch away. And if you live near me, come over for coffee and we can commiserate about spit-up and blow-out poopy diapers.

Did any of that make sense? I'm not entirely sure that my brain still works. But yeah... today was a good day. 4 little puffballs were fed and dressed and taken to school (for those who go to school) and picked up and taken to the park and put to bed. Everyone is alive and I have a little spare time to write things on the internet, so I guess it means that I did everything right and that I must know everything now.

Tomorrow is another day. I probably won't know everything tomorrow. :)

The one piece of advice every new mom with little kids needs to hear.

I have opinions about a lot of things, but unless you ask me, I won't try to impose them on you. I won't tell you what to feed your baby, how to dress him, how to get him to sleep or whether or not he will be traumatized forever if you don't let him have a pacifier. However, there is one piece of advice that I try to give any new mom who has small children...

DON'T BE A JERK TO YOUR KIDS!!!!

That's it. That's all I want to say. This works whether you have 2 toddlers when the new baby is born or 8 toddlers. It works whether your kids are 10 months apart or 2+ years apart. No matter what your situation, you will have an easier time transitioning your new baby into your family if you are not a jerk to your kids.

Let me elaborate. Moms behaving like jerks make the other children resentful, jealous and attention-deprived (and prone to misbehave to regain attention)... so here are three rules about how not to be that jerky mom.

1. Don't drop everything when the baby cries
2. Don't push developmental milestones
3. Don't throw the family schedule upside down

What the first rule means is that when two little people are crying for your attention at the exact same second, you give your attention to the older one. In all fairness, the older child was there first. More importantly, they will notice when you drop the knife in the middle of making their sandwich so you can pick up a crying baby. Unless it's an emergency, the baby will be OK if she cries for another 20 seconds as you finish the sandwich and hand it to your toddler.

What you are communicating to your toddler is that they are important and that you are reliable and follow through on the things you promise them.

What the second rule means is that you respect where your children are developmentally and don't force them to toilet train or sleep in a big bed or walk instead of sitting in a stroller if they are not ready. Nobody has died from having several kids in diapers or buying a double stroller, but forcing a child to 'grow up' just because the new baby arrived and the baby needs his stuff is jerky. It shows a lack of respect for the child's abilities and desires. More importantly, it sets the stage for sibling rivalry and territorial battles.

If your older child is still at an age where it's normal for him to sleep in a crib (Google it, ask your friend who have kids, look it up in a book), then buy a second-hand crib for the new baby or borrow one from your cousin. The baby won't care where she sleeps as long as it is warm and comfy, but an older child will notice these things and may fight even harder to stay in *HIS* crib. You might even hear about it for the next 18 years....

What the third rule means is to respect the family routines as much as possible. Kids like routine, even older ones who say that they don't. They need security and stability and familiarity. If you go into labor on Wednesday morning and rush off to the hospital, they will forgive you for not taking them to the Gymboree on Wednesday afternoon and making homemade pizza like you always do. OK, but once the baby is home, too many weeks without Gymboree and pizza sends the signal that your older kids are not important and that one tiny person's needs surpass the needs of several little people. Little tiny babies are usually pretty portable; feed them, change them, wrap them up and pop them in a stroller (or baby carrier, if that's your thing) and you are free to go almost anywhere and do almost anything. Getting back to routines and familiar family events shows your older children that nothing has changed and that life goes on as normal.... because it should.

I have heard people say that a new baby always comes first. This may sound right on an intuitive level, but in practice, it means that your other kids always come second (don't get me started on where the husband's place is!) and I think that's a recipe for disaster. Like I said, a baby won't remember that you waited to change his diaper to make your toddlers sandwich, but a toddler will notice. And a tantrum-ing toddler can ruin your afternoon much faster than a baby crying for 30 seconds. A newborn is very high-maintenance, but if you plan on having a handful of them, it won't be practical to drop everything for two years to make sure the new baby gets all the immediate love and instant attention.

Also, you want to enlist your older kids as allies. You want them to grab you a diaper from across the room or watch the baby so you can have a shower. You want them to love the new baby and not see him as a threat to their way of life. You hope that they will be friends with their new sibling when he grows up. The last thing you want is children who feel neglected. Kids are creative and can find all kinds of ways to make trouble to get your attention away from the new baby.

So yeah, don't be a jerk.

An overflowing laundry hamper is a happy laundry hamper

Kids need clothes, that's inevitable. We all do. I've been hearing a few things lately that boggle my mind... friends with small children talking about laundry... lots and lots of laundry.... needing to wash several loads of laundry every day... I don't get it. Let me go on record to say that it is totally possible to raise a family with three little children and not feel like a laundry maid.

My strategy is energy conservation. I'm not talking about hanging laundry to save on running the dryer, I am talking about saving *MY* energy. Towards those ends, I try to do laundry as infrequently as possible and smile as I see the laundry hampers pile up.

The truth is, there are two competing ideas out there about how to minimize your workload in dressing your children and taking care of their clothes. Hear me out, I actually think both of these would work... it just depends on what kind of mom you are,

The first idea is to be a minimalist... only buy a few outfits for each kid per season... something like 3,4 or 5 weekday outfits and a Shabbos outfit. So yes, you will need to do laundry twice a week, but the magic is that one washer full of clothes gets all the kids clothes done! The idea is that you are organized and you know that you always wash laundry on such-and-such day. You make a plan, you have a routine, your life is easier because you never have to think about when you will do laundry... you already know when you will be washing your next 400 loads. Also, you have less clutter in your kids closets and it doesn't take so long to put away all the laundry. I also think this idea is cheaper, since you are buying fewer clothes.

Also, your house won't be a forest of outgrown clothes in boxes and bags. The idea is that your kids have a few outfits that they wear each season (if you're clever, you buy pieces that mix and match) and when your kids outgrow the clothes, they've probably been worn to death and can be given a proper military burial because they have done their duty. (you could also save any clothes that still look ok, it won't take up so much space, since it's only a few outfits)

This also solves the problem of kids who don't like hand-me-downs or kids who have a totally different sense of style than their older siblings. Also, if you have a large gap between two kids, you may end up making the younger one an unwitting fashion victim if the hand-me-downs you've been dutifully saving have gone out of style.

The second idea is completely the opposite... to have 2-3 weeks' worth of outfits for each kid. As such, you don't touch the washing machine until you use up every. single. piece. of. clothing. Doesn't it seem silly to wash the same few outfits when your kids have other clothes they could wear? What's the point of having those other clothes if they never get worn? I don't get it. So yes, you let the dirty laundry pile up... buy another hamper if you need to.

Realistically speaking, you will probably need to do one load during the 2-3 weeks for socks/underwear/PJs... but you don't touch the washing machine if there is something clean (and appropriate for the season and occasion) for your kids to wear. I actually enjoy the challenge of trying to make cute outfits out of the last remaining clean clothing items.... and pondering the deep existential question of whether orange and grey and pink go together.

This is a great strategy for someone who isn't good at juggling many tasks at the same time and leaves a load of wet clothes in the washing machine for several days because she got distracted while she was doing laundry and then this other thing came up and then she forgot.. or if you're an 'all or nothing' personality type who has a hard time getting herself motivated to do laundry.

If you're a master bargain hunter, this strategy is for you... or if you get lots of hand-me-downs from stylish family members or if you like shopping and have the money to buy lots of clothes. The point is not to think about laundry all the time.... if your kids have clothes in their closet, then there's nothing to worry about. Also, when the inevitable laundry day rolls around, you will have an easier time sorting and folding... if you fill up a whole washing machine with only one child's clothes, you take them out and put them all in that child's closet... there is no guesswork about who a particular item belongs to.

Personally, I am a devotee of the second method. This was my strategy when I was in college... I wore every piece of clothing that I could wear before I went to the laundromat. And yes, I still do this for my own clothing too.... also household stuff like towels and sheets and tablecloths. Some people are minimalists in this area too... they will wash the same Shabbos tablecloth every week and use it until it's worn out and then buy a new one. As for me, I have a silly amount of tablecloths.

I think most women I know are neither the minimalist types nor the laundry-binge types
... they're always tripping over piles of kid clothes, but also it seems like there is never anything for the kids to wear. Also, they feel stress every time they see an overflowing laundry hamper... that's no way to live! I think it makes more sense to streamline your kids' wardrobes or to delay laundry day as long as possible. Either way, the name of the game is 'easy'.

Let me add one more thing on the subject of washing clothes, I love my dryer!!!! You couldn't pay me enough to hang clothes outside on the line. Sorry if that sounds snobbish, but snobbishness is not at the root of this disdain for line drying... line drying is more work! If you know me, you would know that I am a big fan of shortcuts, especially for moms with small children. Running the dryer costs money, but money is something that you can make more of... your time and energy is a scarce resource. If you wear yourself out doing household chores and have no energy for your kids, then your priorities are misplaced.

Like I said, I am a big believer in energy conservation.... you do what you can to save *YOUR* energy and don't worry about your carbon footprint.

When should you have your next baby?

I always see women posting on message boards asking “When should I have another baby?”…because getting advice from anonymous internet friends is the best way to make decisions. That’s crazy! Having children is a big decision, not to be taken lightly. 

No, you shouldn’t ask your friends on a chat board! No, you shouldn’t set up a Facebook poll! You can use logic and reason to determine when you should have a baby… and yes, a little math. If you can quantify all the important factors in your decision, then you can calculate the ideal time to have your next child. We’re not cavemen, we have logic and reason on our side.

Take out a calendar right now. Mark down today’s date.

First thing, realize that pregnancy will cause you to gain weight. If you are overweight now, you will be heavier when you’re pregnant. As such, you should be at your ideal weight when you become pregnant. Determine how much weight you need to lose to be at your ideal weight and start dieting ASAP.

-         Take out the calendar and calculate one week for every pound you need to lose. Skip any weeks in which there are Jewish holidays, family events or vacations.

-         If you are sensitive about your appearance, estimate how long it will be until your youngest sibling gets married. The most stylish and elegant evening gown just won't look as perfect on a pregnant figure or a post-partum figure (and remember, all those photos will be framed on walls and sitting in albums for the rest of your life!)... so if you want to look perfect in the photos, wait until your youngest sibling is married before you try to conceive.

Next, realize that new babies need stuff. You should have enough money to buy all the nicest trendiest baby stuff before you become pregnant. You cannot skip this step if you already have a crib, stroller, carseat.. etc (when your older children were born) or from a sister-in-law or neighbour… you must have the new and fashionable version of everything or else your baby will suffer.

-         Calculate 6 months to save up money to buy the best and most trendy baby stuff.. If you live in a particularly affluent neighbourhood, calculate a year to copy Jennifer Lopez’s nursery and Victoria Beckham’s baby wardrobe.

-         If you will look shabby pushing a fancy stroller with a baby in designer clothes, then calculate an additional 6 months to save to buy yourself a whole new wardrobe, fancy sheitel and nice purse… so you’re not embarrassed,

-         If your older kids will look shabby compared to the baby and his/her fancy new stuff, calculate an additional 3 months per child to revamp their wardrobes.

-         If your husband will look shabby standing next to your trendy-looking kids, calculate an additional 6 months to re-stock his wardrobe and find him a good hairdresser.

If you have children, consider their needs too. Taking care of a baby will take your time and focus away from your older child (or children), so plan your pregnancy accordingly so that your children don’t feel slighted.

-         If your youngest is independent, wait until he or she is in nursery school to bring a baby into the house. (calculate two or three years)

-         If your youngest is a little clingy, wait until he or she is in elementary school to bring a baby into the house. (calculate five or six years)

-         If your youngest is a very clingy, wait until he or she is in high school or goes away for yeshiva to bring a baby into the house. (calculate 13 or 14 years)

-         If your youngest is extremely clingy, you cannot bring a new baby into the house until the youngest is out of the house and married.

Consider your work situation. Remember that you will get maternity leave when you have a baby… what can be better than getting free money for sitting at home taking care of your child?

-         If you are currently unemployed, find a job immediately and stay there long enough to qualify for maternity leave benefits. (this varies by country)

-         If you are working for peanuts, wait until you can secure a raise or maneuver into a better position

-         If you work for a start-up, listen for rumors of an IPO and don’t leave your job until after that happens. Calculate however much time you need  to wait until the over-hyped IPO goes through so you will be an insider and will know when to dump your company stock options.

-         If you are an entrepreneur or own your own business, wait until you have enough revenue to hire someone to do your job , while you’re having a baby and for the first few months afterward. If you cannot find someone with your special expertise and skills, wait until they have perfected human cloning... only have a child when you can create a clone of yourself to keep your business going.

Something else to think about is education. If your child does not have the optimal start in life, then the rest of their life is doomed to failure. Find out which is the ideal pre-school, nursery, elementary school...etc for your future child. Also, pick a college. Do not consider becoming pregnant until you have confirmed that the ideal schools have room and until your future child is accepted into their program.

Once you've made all the necessary calculations, you should be able to pinpoint when the ideal time to bring a child into this world. Congratulations! You are making your decision based on knowledge and preparation, while most women only base their decisions on hope or dreams or faith... and we all know that those things aren't infallible.

Cutting the blab...

One of the few things I seriously hate about having little kids is talking. Maybe it's just me, but it seems that the life of a mother of small children involves a lot of blab blab blab. I don't mean communicating, I mean blab blab blab... constantly repeating yourself, reminding, reiterating, saying the same thing in 4 different way... it's exhausting!!!

What do I mean? I can ask an adult to go into the kitchen and grab the can of instant coffee sitting beside the kettle... and that's the end of it... I have the coffee 10 seconds later. It's nothing like the scenario of asking a toddler to grab his shoes and bring them to you....

(stop me if any of this sounds familiar)...
"Get your shoes"
"Over there by the door, you see them?" 
"Right there, See? Right there"
"Just walk over and pick them up" 
"Come on, go get them, we can't go to the park if you don't have shoes" 
"Pick them up, OK, good"
"Now bring them to Mommy"
"Over here, bring them to me... no, not to the kitchen"
"Come on.. over here... come over here so Mommy can put on your shoes"
(it all sorta sounds like 'blab blab blab', right?)

If you're ever worked a job in telemarketing or phone sales, you know that constant talking saps your energy even if you're sitting down all day. You're exhausted after spending the day talking away. It's the same with being a mom. I think moms would have more energy if we talked less. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me.

Last year while I was pregnant with my youngest, I caught strep... not once, but twice. That brought the grand total of the times that I've ever had strep to 2. I don't get sick often, so when I do, it's difficult. My throat felt awful. Talking hurt. But what??? I had two little kids to take care of. What worked for me was to find non-verbal ways to communicate with my kids. It was a huge help when I was sick, so I've actually carried this over to present day. It makes my life easier, so I am offering it as a tip to make your life easier.

I'm not referring to baby sign language, which I think is wonderful and fabulous, but more effort than I am willing to put in.

This is what I mean, my apologies if this sounds simple or stupid...

Shaking your head for 'no;' and nodding your head for 'yes'
Raising your hands with palms up for 'I don't know'
Waving your hand towards you for 'come over here'
Saying 'Shhhhhhh' instead of  'be quiet' or 'calm down'
Putting your finger in front of your lips to say 'be quiet'
Saying 'mmm hmm' instead of 'yes' or 'I agree'
Saying 'uh uh' instead of 'no'
Pointing to things instead of saying 'this direction' or 'over there' or 'that one'

All of these work with a little toddler person.

Another way to cut the 'blab blab blab' is to recognize traps that kids set to keep your attention and have you jumping through hoops and using up all your energy talking to them. The two common ones are asking "Why?" and "What it that?" There will actual times when your child wants to know the name of an object or the reason for something, but parenting expert types agree that most of the time kids ask these things, it's a game to keep you busy.

How do you foil their game? (assuming you realize that they're just doing it for a game and not asking something for real) It's easy, answer the "Why?" question with "I don't know"... that kinda stops the line of questioning in its tracks. Also, "Why do you think it's that way?" turns the tables on the kid and lets you be the listener instead of the talker. Kids love to talk!

Also, recognize that kids oftentimes know what something is when they ask '"What is that?", so turn the tables and ask them "What is that?" when they ask you and let them answer you.

Saving words saves energy, especially if you are repeating yourself all the time. I love my kids. There are few things I would rather be doing than taking care of them, but I try to live in my life in energy conservation mode.

Big wheels keep on turnin'....

I recently bought a triple stroller. It's a Valco Trimode double with an extra seat in the front. Why did I buy it? Because cramming three little puffballs into my double stroller was killing it. One of the wheels started popping off, probably because my three kids exceeded the weight limit of the stroller (40 pounds per seat), Some people told me that my oldest boy would start walking by himself once the baby was born, but they just didn't know my Shlomo well enough. He's the kind of kid who turns a 5-minute walk into half an hour. Stop me if this sounds familiar...

"Come on, Shlomo. Hurry up.
Don't pick that up. Stop it, put that down right now.
Let's go. Come on. Don't run into the neighbor's driveway!
Hurry up, Shlomo. We have to go.
No, that's dirty, don't touch that. Come on.
Don't chase that cat, he doesn't want you to pet him.
Put that down, that's not ours. Hurry up, Shlomo.
Don't try to open the door to that car.
Come on, let's go.
Don't pick those flowers.
No, don't eat those leaves. Put that down!
Hurry up...."

Don't get me wrong, he *can* walk. He took his first steps at 15 months. But the truth of the matter is that I prefer to push him in a stroller. Sure, most toddlers can walk... if you're OK with a 3-minute walk taking half an hour. Little kids want to stop to examine every car, run up every neighbor's driveway and chase every stray cat. And yes, you have to keep a sharp eye to make sure they're not running into the road. It's a little exhausting.

So yes, this is my parenting advice... don't push things!!!

Pick your battles and don't push your child into developmental milestones.

What I mean, is stuff like 1) keep your child sitting in the stroller for as long as possible
                                     2) keep your child sleeping in a crib for as long as possible
                                     3) keep your child in diapers for as long as possible

That sounds a little counter-intuitive, right? People say that children should learn to be independent as soon as possible and to do things on their own. Sure, right, I agree. But seriously.... the process of kids learning to do things on their own is sooooo tedious, I don't think it's worth it to push developmental milestones because you read something in a parenting book or because another mom in your playgroup brags about how advanced her kids are. Comparing yourself to others never turns out well.

It's sooo much more effort to push a child to do something they're not entirely ready for. And if you know me, you can guess my opinion about making an effort. Effort is bad. Easy is good. I would rather plop my oldest (3 years, 5 months) in a stroller seat than lose my voice yelling at him to walk. I've done my research, I know where I can buy a stroller for 6.

When my oldest was small, we shopped around for the biggest and tallest crib we could find. Why? To delay the inevitable moment when he climbs out of it and has to adjust to sleeping in a bed. Cribs keep a child contained and safe and out of your way. Once they start sleeping in a bed, there's a whole process of training them to stay in bed because they aren't surrounded by prison bars anymore.. and there are soooo many interesting things in their room to touch and play with and make a mess with. The bigger the crib, the longer your child will stay in it.

Keeping a kid in diapers is the same idea. Instead of coaxing them, pushing them, prodding them, bribing them...etc.. you let it go and wait until they're good and ready and do it themselves. I will never be the mom who wallpapers her house with sticker charts with a smiley-face sticker for every time my child used the toilet..... I'm the one whose kids they make the 'super jumbo' sized diapers for.

Like I said, I love my new stroller. It gives me great exercise pushing all three kids around. More than that, it makes my life easier. For the record, I bought it second-hand and got a faaaabulous deal on it. But seriously? Saving yourself a daily fight with a little boy who doesn't like to walk... that's priceless.

How to turn a long-sleeved shirt into a short-sleeved shirt without sewing and without it looking all dorky

It's finally summer, so I decided to take out my boys' summer clothes and put away their winter clothes. As I was folding shirts, I got the most faaaabulous idea about how to get more use out of some of the long-sleeved shirts that I was about to put away. I'm sure it's not an original idea, but this is what I did to make short-sleeved shirts... without sewing and without it looking obviously hand-made.

This is a good idea if you are low on short-sleeved shirts and don't want to buy any. Or if you're the kind of person who prefers your kids to wear clothes to death and then throw it away rather than to keep boxes of clothes to be passed on to a younger sibling. Also, it's something you can do if your child really loves a particular shirt and doesn't want to let it go just because it's summer.

Look in your kids' closet. Some shirts have arms made from contrasting material. I had a few of these. Any long-sleeved shirt with sewed-in contrasting sleeves can be made into a short-sleeved shirt in 2 minutes. All you need is scissors.

If you look closely, you will likely find that the shirt has a 'finished' short sleeved hem and a sleeve that has been attached on the inside. If the shirt still fits your child and if the fabric is lightweight enough, all you need to do is turn the shirt inside out and carefully cut the sleeves off. Don't touch the hem, just cut as closely as you can to where the sleeve is sewed in. The raggedy edge will be inside the sleeve and totally un-noticeable.

Magic

Stupid lies that stupid people that tell them to their children.

I'm not a big fan of lying. A lotta times, I may blurt out something unpopular or shocking or harsh because the alternative is... well.... a lie. There are many things a parent can do to mess up their kids. In my opinion, the worst thing they can do is to be a big fat liar.

Once a child catches on that their parent is a big fat liar, it's game over. The child loses respect for the parent and no longer trusts them. Moreover, they become suspicious of all adults, worrying if their teacher, rabbi, doctor.... etc are also big fat liars. What kind of kids do you get? Cynical and mistrustful and oftentimes manipulative little liars themselves.

If I can give you one piece of parenting advice, it's this. I don't actually care how long your nurse your baby, whether they sleep in your bed or whether you feed them Bamba at 6 months old or give them only organic sea-kelp as a snack.... just don't be a liar.

Most people know enough to steer clear of obvious lies. You don't say "We'll have ice cream after dinner" and not give your kids ice cream. That's pretty obvious. A lot of stupid lies parents tell are more subtle, but they're still lies and in some ways, they're even worse than the thing about the ice cream.

This is what I'm talking about...

"You're the best" "You're the smartest in your school" "You're the best player on the team" - In the name of self-esteem, I've heard parents try to puff up their child with this stuff. Insincere flattery is a lie. Even if your kid actually is the smartest in their class, it's inevitable that one day, some other kid will get a better grade on a test and your child will be crushed because he believed that he was the smartest and the smartest one is always the best. Kids need complements, but they don't need dumb hyperbole and insincere flattery. In reali life, it's OK not to be the best! (remember, everyone who passes medical school gets to be a doctor, not just the best student in the class)

"You can be anything you want and do anything you want when you grow up" - There's a fine line between encouraging your children to have big dreams and leading them on. Kids need to know how many hours of daily practice a prima ballerina does or how many years of college an astronaut needs. It's a little disingenuous to give kids the impression that wanting something really really really badly is enough - it sets them up for disappointment later in life. Parents need to walk a fine line between encouraging their children to have aspirations, but also recognizing the amount of hard work (and luck!) that goes into everything. The last thing you want is a child who thinks math and science are useless because they're going to be a supermodel or a rapper when they grow up.

"God will listen to you if you pray, learn, do good deeds.. etc" - Parents can't just manipulate their children into good religious behavior by pretending that the Allmighty is like an ATM... mitzvas go in, blessings come out. Religion is deep and complex and you can't make your kids obedient by over-simplifying things. Unless you have a direct hotline to God, you can't say with certainty that He will reward your kids for being good (and conversely, punish them for misdeeds) Besides, this idea loses credibility once they see misfortune happen to good people and you can't explain it away by saying that so-and-so was killed in a car accident because they ate bread that morning but didn't say a blessing afterwards.

"Eat this and you will grow up to be big and strong" - This is one lie my parents pulled on me to manipulate me to eat meat (which I hated!).. they said that my hair would grow long if I ate meat. Well, I didn't eat it and my hair still grew. Vegetarians grow up healthy. So do kids who don't drink their milk or eat their vegetables. Good parents are ones who try to make a healthy diet work around a child's preferences. It's lame to threaten kids with stunted growth to get them to eat their dinner. There are many ideas about what constitutes good nutrition. You never know... your kids may find out that their tall muscle-bound basketball coach is a vegan.

"Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny" - Yes, it's fun to pretend things, but you had better fess up the moment your child asks if something is real or make-believe. Vigorously defending something that's fake makes you look like a liar because they will (one day) find out the truth. It insults children's intelligence when they ask a good question and you reply by heaping lies on top of lies. Also, your child may become reeeeealy skeptical of religion and lump it in with the made-up stories you've told them.

"You are the most important thing in my life" - This is actually a two-fold lie... parents lie when they tell it to themselves and then lie when they repeat it to their kids. I have a huuuge problem with any parenting philosophy that puts the child at the center of the universe. Remember, before you had children, you were part of a couple and before you were part of a couple, you were your own person. Children are high needs (especially when they're small) but when a mother has the mindset that the child is the most important thing in her life, she makes her husband feel sidelined and she allows herself to be made into a shmatta for the childrens' sake. The best way to raise a spoiled brat is to let the child think that their needs (or wants!) over-ride their parents' time, attention, personal space..etc

I actually believe that the best thing you can do for a child is to provide them with a secure and stable homelife. That means that a new little baby doesn't disrupt the whole family's life, but fits into it.

Practically speaking, this means letting go of parenting practices that are "best for the baby" when you become uncomfortable with them or when they interfere with your marriage relationship. If breastfeeding is tiring you out, do it less often or stop. If being a stay-at-home mom drives you crazy, find a job. If you can't be intimate with your husband because the baby is always in your bed, accustom the baby to sleeping in a crib. If home-cooked organic meals are too difficult, serve macaroni and cheese one night a week.

Moms (especially moms with several small children!) need to grow a thick skin and become resistant to mommy guilt. Tell yourself that you're doing the best you can and that it doesn't matter that you're not living up to some ideal standard that someone else set.

I don't know if I have the magic formula for parenting, but I'm pretty sure that if you're honest with yourself and honest with your kids, then you'll be off to a good start.

How to keep friends and influence people to have kids.

As if it wasn't enough that your kids are watching you day and night, parents of small children should do well to remember that another group of people is watching their every move.... their friends who don't have kids.

Let me explain. If you have young children, most of your friends are people who have known you for years and years... maybe school friends or co-workers or neighbors. It doesn't matter how they know you, what's relevant is that they knew you before you had kids and have a "before" picture in their mind. When they look at you now, they see an "after" picture. If they're on the fence about their decision to have a family, they will look to you and think "Is *THAT* where I want my life to go?". So yeah, no pressure.

It's a little bit like being an ambassador... or a Miss Universe contestant. You are trying to present your country and your people in the best possible light and encourage people to come visit your land. I actually think it's a big responsibility... to present your life to your friends in a way that would encourage them to cross over and join you. After all, your kids need friends for playdates, right?

First of all, don't be that mom who has no idea there's a presidential election coming up, doesn't know what an ipad is and is proud to tell you that she hasn't read a book in the last five years that wasn't written by Doctor Seuss. If you were into music or technology or gourmet cooking before you had kids, maintain that interest as much as you can. It's good to have something to talk about besides your kids.... most people aren't really that interested in stories of exploding poopy diapers! More importantly, your friends who are into music or technology or gourmet cooking need the reassurance that parenthood won't swallow up their lives and their personalities.

Nobody says you have to look like Angelina Jolie, but it's a little scary when motherhood renders a friend unrecogniseable. I think we all cringe when she sees a young mom wearing big sweatshirts to hide her tummy pooch, unwashed hair and mismatched socks. I know it sounds awful and vain, but I think moms (especially moms with a buncha kids) should make an effort to get back to themselves... not to turn into a Hollywood glamour model, but to resemble the person your friends knew before your kids were born. So yeah, take 5 minutes to find a cute hat and put on lipstick before you go out. Tummies happen, so eat cottage cheese for lunch a few times a week so you can fit into your old clothes again.

Also, save the war stories for friends with kids. You don't have to tell everyone how awful labor was (hey - wanna see my c-section scar?) or how many times you woke up at night with the new baby (she ate every 45minutes until she was a year old!) or go into graphic details about poop (the first time the baby poops, it's like black tar!). It's not nice to scare your friends... you never know, they might have an easier time of things than you did and wonder why you preached doom and gloom. Everyone knows that raising kids is hard work, you can't lie and claim that everything is easy-peasy... but you don't have to give over the worst case scenario.

Tell the stories of good experiences, if you have them. If you know of someone who is scared of labor, send them over to me and I will tell you my story of taking the bus to the hospital while I was in labor. Yes, I really did that. I went to the post office, then I bought a sandwich and an iced coffee (and a sandwich to go) and then I took the bus to the hospital and Shalva was born a few hours later.

If you have a chance to get out and do something... go! (and bring the baby). It's equally important for you, as a mom, to socialize among adults as it is for the baby to socialize among adults. I've done this with all three of my little puffballs, shlepped them to shiurim, events and parties. If you do this from an early age, the baby learns to be quiet and occupy themselves in public (toys and snacks also help) . You get the added bonus of showing off your cutie-pie baby to your friends (ooooh..... aaaaah.... look at the pink bow in her hair!). If you're going out, it's a good idea to keep the baby awake for a while and then feed them right before you have to leave. You may luck out and get the baby to fall asleep in the stroller and stay asleep for most of the time that you are out.

Everyone has seen screamy babies and fussy babies in public, so imagine the surprise your friends will get when you go somewhere with a baby who doesn't scream the whole time. If nothing else, this is the one thing that can make your childless friends contemplate having one of their own.... mission accomplished!

How to raise good kids....

Being a mom is kinda like being a celebrity. How? Instead of paparazzi following you around documenting your every move, you have your children. It's a sobering thought really. Whether you like it or not, your children hear everything you say and watch everything you do. They probably won't sell your story to the National Enquirer, but they will repeat your words, copy your habits and be the first ones to call BS on you when you try to impress people by making yourself look better than you really are.

A genuine criticism I hear about raising large families is the question of how you are going to impart values and morals on all those children. Everyone knows that you can get help to take care of your family's physical needs... a cleaning lady, a laundry service, take-out meals... beyond that, children need morals and values just as much as they need clean clothes and nutritious meals. Building good character is serious business.

Does having a pile of kids (or a few kids in a short time period) make a mother too busy to give her children a proper moral education? I actually don't think so. It's a bit of a paradox really.. that imparting values on your children can be the easiest thing or the hardest thing.. it just depends on you.

What I mean, is living your life in such a way that your inside matches your outside. Honest people have an easier time raising their kids. Let me explain.

I think we've all heard stories about kids unleashing curse words in school (because they heard the words from their parents) or copying their bad habits (smoking at age 10!) or correcting their mother who is buying movie tickets by reminding her that they are 6 years old, and not 5 years old, as the mother claimed.. because the discounted children's tickets are only for kids up to age 5. Kids notice things, even when the parents are unaware. Kids are the first ones to call parents on their BS.

Back to morals and values and religion and all that stuff that parents are supposed to teach their kids to help them navigate the world. If you can give over all these things to your kids in your actions, then you don't have to use a lot of words. You don't have to buy books or watch video or have cheesy talks like sitcom moms or make situations into "teachable moments"... whatever that means. One good example is worth a thousand words ... and conversely, one bad example takes several thousand words to explain away.

I really think that kids learn more from their environment than anything else. Imagine if a couple in Spain adopted a baby from China. The child would grow up speaking Spanish fluently... but also, he would act like a Spaniard, dress like a Spaniard, prefer Spanish food and have a similar outlook as his parents. I think kids pick up on the non-verbal cues of daily life more than they pick up on a moral 'message... whether it's from a lecture by their parents, from a book or a children's show or even a religious teaching. Think about it... how many things did your parents specifically tell you... and how many things did you just pick up on because you saw 'that's how things are done' ?

It's pretty simple. Don't ever use words that you don't want your children repeating in public. Don't talk badly about other people. Be honest about things even when nobody is looking. Don't break the law. Do the good religious things that you say you believe in. Basically, don't be a big fat hypocrite.

If you don't have to expend all your energy correcting your children and telling them to "do as I say, not as I do" then your life will be easier. At the end of the day, your kids won't be juvenile delinquents because they had store-bought kugels or ate off plastic plates... but they will suffer growing up without a good parental example.

Ebay b' pyjama b' emtza ha laila!

I was online chatting with a friend yesterday - she was in the middle of a sewing project. I'm actually a big fan of necessary skills like sewing, gardening and making your own soaps... and I think it's fabulous how people save money by doing stuff like that. How do I save money? By doing the opposite! Let me explain...

As my friend told me what she was making, I realized that it was something I wanted too. I went to ebay, found it and bought. Total time was 10 minutes. My friend (who saved money by making her own) spent many hours sewing to get the same thing. Ebay is my lifeline.... the only way I can manage to get the things I want and need (with three children, the oldest aged 3 in the house) is to buy online.

Please don't misunderstand.... you can buy practically everything you need here in Israel. But you actually have to leave the house to do that! Your baby may be kvetchy that day. The weather might be bad. You might also have to search several stores to find what you're looking for... and even then, the thing you want may be expensive or junky (or both!). The worst thing happens if you've been shlepping around all day with small children... you may just buy the junky or pricey thing so you can get home and be done with it.

This is my top time-saving *and* money-saving *and* effort-saving tip. If you have a little patience about things and are willing to take a little risk, then Ebay shopping will make your life as a mom easier. How much easier? Sooooo much easier.

The really obvious advantage is that the internet never closes - you can shop late at night or early in the morning or whenever the kids aren't bothering you. You don't have to put on clean clothes or travel anywhere or crowd yourself into a mall where sick people are sneezing and coughing near your stroller. Even if you never save a penny doing internet shopping, you've saved yourself some serious aggravation.

Ebay has everything. Some things are not cheap or easy to ship, but they have practically everything..... and most of it can be shipped to Israel at a reasonable cost. When I say 'reasonable' I'm talking about the post office's costs for regular shipping. There's no *CHEAP* way to ship a quadruple stroller to Israel.... if there was, I would have done it already. But if you really need something and you can't find it for sale in Israel, then it's perfectly reasonable to pay the 'real' USPS shipping costs. I can just imagine the look on the post office manager's face if such a huge and heavy parcel arrived for me.

Why Ebay specifically? Amazon will ship books to Israel at a reasonable cost, but most of the vendors selling their other stuff (baby things, electronics..etc) just won't ship here. Some big retailers ship to Israel off their websites (like Old Navy) but they are protecting themselves by using the fanciest and most expensive shipping options available... all then tracking and signatures and insurance costs... but maybe you want to pay $60 to ship three shirts? A lot of Ebay sellers are small operations, so the shipping is done by a real person going to the post office, so they will use cheaper shipping methods if you ask and oftentimes even if a seller says that they only ship within the US, you can email them and ask nicely and they may ship to you in Israel.

There are also parcel-forwarding services where you buy stuff online and have it sent to them and they send it to you.... try not to laugh when you see these guys' outrageous prices. Unless you're using them to run drugs or something, it's sooo not worth it. Just like Old Navy, they are protecting themselves by using super-secure (expensive!) fast shipping. Israel has a decent postal system, so you really don't need to pay extra for tracking and insurance and such. Besides, Ebay only allows you to pay with paypal... and paypal will refund you if your item never arrives.

Once upon a time, Ebay had a flea market feel to it, but not anymore. Most items sold nowadays are new condition, brand-name merchandise. Israel makes wonderful cottage cheese, but many Israeli brand products are poor quality and on the expensive side. Import taxes make anything from America extra-extra expensive in Israel. Ebay gives you access to the good, reliable American brand name stuff for a decent price.

You can buy almost anything at the shuk, but why not buy Hanes undershirts for your husband, Carter's onesies for the baby and Neutrogena lotion for yourself? New, brand name items don't sell for bargain-basement prices on Ebay, so expect to pay close to what you would pay in American stores. Buuuuut (big but!) wouldn't you rather have baby onesies that won't shrink to half their size the first time you wash them??? And if you're one of those skittish types who's afraid of internet shopping because you can't touch and feel and try out the stuff you're buying, then you can assuage your fears by buying stuff from companies whose stuff you already own. I throw caution to the wind and buy shoes, bras and all sorts of clothing on Ebay and most of the time, the stuff works out just fine. But also, I'm not picky-picky like some people are.

Another fabulous thing about Ebay is the opportunity to buy nice used stuff. American soccer moms (who don't plan on having Mea Shearim-sized families) will sell their fancy maternity clothes after they're done with them. A few months after they sell the maternity stuff, the same mom will be selling the first box of those trendy baby clothes that her child outgrew. This is where you can get some great bargains, if you're ok with buying used stuff. If you ever see my kids wearing Polo Ralph Lauren shirts, please realize that I bought them used. Again, this comes down to quality.... the pre-worn pants I bought for my son from Ebay lasted better than the new pants I bought at Bazaar Strauss. I'm not lying!!!

A lot of people who always buy the newest electronic gadget sell their old gadgets on Ebay to recoup some of their money. Same goes for books, sports equipment, video games, designer bags... anything that holds its value. There are also piles of refurbished electronics on Ebay, most of which carry a guarantee of some sort.

Of course, I have to mention that Ebay is also the place to find rare and random things. If you suddenly decide you want a bottle of the Debbie Gibson perfume you wore during the 80's.... you'll find it on Ebay. If you turned over every rock in Israel, you wouldn't be able to find it! The same goes for most books, movies and CDs in English.. you won't find them here no matter how hard you look. Because Ebay is so huge, there's usually more than one of whatever-it-is-you-want... depending on what you're searching for. If you want a specific book, usually 10-20 sellers have a copy. If you need a size 10 denim skirt.... then you have hundreds to choose from. It's like a mall with 1,000 stores that you can browse in a few minutes.

Like I mentioned earlier, some people are afraid of internet shopping. I don't really have a better answer than "get over it!". If you're afraid to buy things without seeing them in real life - then stick to familiar brands. Also, check out the seller's feedback rating. If someone has been selling for years and has good ratings from 99.9% of his customers, it's unlikely that he will sell *YOU* a lemon. It's a huge hassle to return an item, but some sellers do returns... just ask them.

If you're afraid of getting ripped off - then don't buy designer brand-name stuff (Ebay is full of fakes Gucci, LV, Juicy) and avoid Chinese sellers with too-good-to-be-true prices. You really need a little common sense here... if someone is selling nice clothes because they raided the clearance rack at Neiman Marcus, then they'll have a random assortment of stuff. If someone is selling the same Ralph Lauren shirt in every imagineable size and color, there's a 99% likelihood it's a fake and that once it goes through the wash a few times, the only thing it'll be useful for is as a rag for your floor sponja.

And, yes, you pay for shipping. Whenever you look at something on ebay, just think of the price+shipping as one number. A lot of sellers (like from Asia) try to avoid ebay fees by selling something for 99cents with $20 shipping. Soooo.. if you think the widget you are buying is worth $21, then buy it and be happy. The best stuff to buy on Ebay are small, light items... vitamins, toiletries, CDs, electronics.. etc. Even if something is bulky and heavy and expensive to ship, do a quick calculation of how much it would cost here in Israel and how much effort it would take for you to buy it. If you went to the mall, you would have to pay for bus fare or gas or maybe a taxi if you're coming home loaded with shopping bags.

What else??? Ebay only lets you pay with Paypal, who are very quick to return a buyer's money if their Ebay purchase doesn't arrive or if the seller sends you a broken item or a fake. Paypal protection doesn't cover buyer's remorse or the fact that you thought a sweater was one shade of pink because of how you saw it on your computer, but it was a tiny bit different shade of pink in real life. Like I said before.. picky people shouldn't shop online. If you are super-picky, then you will never fully be happy buying in online-land.

The official law is that you can be charged customs tax if what you buy is valued at over $75. I've paid customs a few times, but I don't actually know how much you pay for what. If you want to be safe, buy stuff that costs less than $75. From my experience, I will tell you that the Israeli postal system is overworked and understaffed (and on a permanent coffee break!) and because of this, many parcels come in and pass undetected. It's a risk, that's all I'm saying. I will add one more thing here.... it is against Ebay rules to ask a seller to lie on the customs form about the value of the item they are sending.... so don't ask. Many many Ebay sellers will do this, as a courtesy, automatically. (wink wink!)

I know what your next question is: what about the stuff I can't buy on Ebay? Like cottage cheese or bread or a washing machine?

If you hunt around a little, you can find a lot of stuff within Israel that you can buy online. This is an area of lazyness that I'm still working on.. finding stuff to buy from here. In Amreica-land, almost all businesses are online, but here in Israel, things are slower to catch up to that.

Here are a few Israeli sites I have found... if you live in Jerusalem, City Direct will deliver groceries, shuk stuff, meat, cheese.. from an English website ( http://www.citydirect.co.il ) . Also, Supersal (http://www.shufersal.co.il ) and Mega ( http://www.mega.co.il ) let you grocery shop online if you can manage the Hebrew websites. Zap ( http://www.zap.co.il ) is great for comparing prices and getting appliances delivered to you - also toys and baby stuff. There are also websites that sell random stuff like pregnancy tests (http://www.pregnancytestsisrael.com ) and Jewish books ( http://www.pomeranzbooks.com ) that come to you by mail.

I am hoping that more and more Israel businesses realize that some of us are sitting at home and can't shlep out in the pouring rain with three little children.