When should you have your next baby?

I always see women posting on message boards asking “When should I have another baby?”…because getting advice from anonymous internet friends is the best way to make decisions. That’s crazy! Having children is a big decision, not to be taken lightly. 

No, you shouldn’t ask your friends on a chat board! No, you shouldn’t set up a Facebook poll! You can use logic and reason to determine when you should have a baby… and yes, a little math. If you can quantify all the important factors in your decision, then you can calculate the ideal time to have your next child. We’re not cavemen, we have logic and reason on our side.

Take out a calendar right now. Mark down today’s date.

First thing, realize that pregnancy will cause you to gain weight. If you are overweight now, you will be heavier when you’re pregnant. As such, you should be at your ideal weight when you become pregnant. Determine how much weight you need to lose to be at your ideal weight and start dieting ASAP.

-         Take out the calendar and calculate one week for every pound you need to lose. Skip any weeks in which there are Jewish holidays, family events or vacations.

-         If you are sensitive about your appearance, estimate how long it will be until your youngest sibling gets married. The most stylish and elegant evening gown just won't look as perfect on a pregnant figure or a post-partum figure (and remember, all those photos will be framed on walls and sitting in albums for the rest of your life!)... so if you want to look perfect in the photos, wait until your youngest sibling is married before you try to conceive.

Next, realize that new babies need stuff. You should have enough money to buy all the nicest trendiest baby stuff before you become pregnant. You cannot skip this step if you already have a crib, stroller, carseat.. etc (when your older children were born) or from a sister-in-law or neighbour… you must have the new and fashionable version of everything or else your baby will suffer.

-         Calculate 6 months to save up money to buy the best and most trendy baby stuff.. If you live in a particularly affluent neighbourhood, calculate a year to copy Jennifer Lopez’s nursery and Victoria Beckham’s baby wardrobe.

-         If you will look shabby pushing a fancy stroller with a baby in designer clothes, then calculate an additional 6 months to save to buy yourself a whole new wardrobe, fancy sheitel and nice purse… so you’re not embarrassed,

-         If your older kids will look shabby compared to the baby and his/her fancy new stuff, calculate an additional 3 months per child to revamp their wardrobes.

-         If your husband will look shabby standing next to your trendy-looking kids, calculate an additional 6 months to re-stock his wardrobe and find him a good hairdresser.

If you have children, consider their needs too. Taking care of a baby will take your time and focus away from your older child (or children), so plan your pregnancy accordingly so that your children don’t feel slighted.

-         If your youngest is independent, wait until he or she is in nursery school to bring a baby into the house. (calculate two or three years)

-         If your youngest is a little clingy, wait until he or she is in elementary school to bring a baby into the house. (calculate five or six years)

-         If your youngest is a very clingy, wait until he or she is in high school or goes away for yeshiva to bring a baby into the house. (calculate 13 or 14 years)

-         If your youngest is extremely clingy, you cannot bring a new baby into the house until the youngest is out of the house and married.

Consider your work situation. Remember that you will get maternity leave when you have a baby… what can be better than getting free money for sitting at home taking care of your child?

-         If you are currently unemployed, find a job immediately and stay there long enough to qualify for maternity leave benefits. (this varies by country)

-         If you are working for peanuts, wait until you can secure a raise or maneuver into a better position

-         If you work for a start-up, listen for rumors of an IPO and don’t leave your job until after that happens. Calculate however much time you need  to wait until the over-hyped IPO goes through so you will be an insider and will know when to dump your company stock options.

-         If you are an entrepreneur or own your own business, wait until you have enough revenue to hire someone to do your job , while you’re having a baby and for the first few months afterward. If you cannot find someone with your special expertise and skills, wait until they have perfected human cloning... only have a child when you can create a clone of yourself to keep your business going.

Something else to think about is education. If your child does not have the optimal start in life, then the rest of their life is doomed to failure. Find out which is the ideal pre-school, nursery, elementary school...etc for your future child. Also, pick a college. Do not consider becoming pregnant until you have confirmed that the ideal schools have room and until your future child is accepted into their program.

Once you've made all the necessary calculations, you should be able to pinpoint when the ideal time to bring a child into this world. Congratulations! You are making your decision based on knowledge and preparation, while most women only base their decisions on hope or dreams or faith... and we all know that those things aren't infallible.

Cutting the blab...

One of the few things I seriously hate about having little kids is talking. Maybe it's just me, but it seems that the life of a mother of small children involves a lot of blab blab blab. I don't mean communicating, I mean blab blab blab... constantly repeating yourself, reminding, reiterating, saying the same thing in 4 different way... it's exhausting!!!

What do I mean? I can ask an adult to go into the kitchen and grab the can of instant coffee sitting beside the kettle... and that's the end of it... I have the coffee 10 seconds later. It's nothing like the scenario of asking a toddler to grab his shoes and bring them to you....

(stop me if any of this sounds familiar)...
"Get your shoes"
"Over there by the door, you see them?" 
"Right there, See? Right there"
"Just walk over and pick them up" 
"Come on, go get them, we can't go to the park if you don't have shoes" 
"Pick them up, OK, good"
"Now bring them to Mommy"
"Over here, bring them to me... no, not to the kitchen"
"Come on.. over here... come over here so Mommy can put on your shoes"
(it all sorta sounds like 'blab blab blab', right?)

If you're ever worked a job in telemarketing or phone sales, you know that constant talking saps your energy even if you're sitting down all day. You're exhausted after spending the day talking away. It's the same with being a mom. I think moms would have more energy if we talked less. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me.

Last year while I was pregnant with my youngest, I caught strep... not once, but twice. That brought the grand total of the times that I've ever had strep to 2. I don't get sick often, so when I do, it's difficult. My throat felt awful. Talking hurt. But what??? I had two little kids to take care of. What worked for me was to find non-verbal ways to communicate with my kids. It was a huge help when I was sick, so I've actually carried this over to present day. It makes my life easier, so I am offering it as a tip to make your life easier.

I'm not referring to baby sign language, which I think is wonderful and fabulous, but more effort than I am willing to put in.

This is what I mean, my apologies if this sounds simple or stupid...

Shaking your head for 'no;' and nodding your head for 'yes'
Raising your hands with palms up for 'I don't know'
Waving your hand towards you for 'come over here'
Saying 'Shhhhhhh' instead of  'be quiet' or 'calm down'
Putting your finger in front of your lips to say 'be quiet'
Saying 'mmm hmm' instead of 'yes' or 'I agree'
Saying 'uh uh' instead of 'no'
Pointing to things instead of saying 'this direction' or 'over there' or 'that one'

All of these work with a little toddler person.

Another way to cut the 'blab blab blab' is to recognize traps that kids set to keep your attention and have you jumping through hoops and using up all your energy talking to them. The two common ones are asking "Why?" and "What it that?" There will actual times when your child wants to know the name of an object or the reason for something, but parenting expert types agree that most of the time kids ask these things, it's a game to keep you busy.

How do you foil their game? (assuming you realize that they're just doing it for a game and not asking something for real) It's easy, answer the "Why?" question with "I don't know"... that kinda stops the line of questioning in its tracks. Also, "Why do you think it's that way?" turns the tables on the kid and lets you be the listener instead of the talker. Kids love to talk!

Also, recognize that kids oftentimes know what something is when they ask '"What is that?", so turn the tables and ask them "What is that?" when they ask you and let them answer you.

Saving words saves energy, especially if you are repeating yourself all the time. I love my kids. There are few things I would rather be doing than taking care of them, but I try to live in my life in energy conservation mode.

Big wheels keep on turnin'....

I recently bought a triple stroller. It's a Valco Trimode double with an extra seat in the front. Why did I buy it? Because cramming three little puffballs into my double stroller was killing it. One of the wheels started popping off, probably because my three kids exceeded the weight limit of the stroller (40 pounds per seat), Some people told me that my oldest boy would start walking by himself once the baby was born, but they just didn't know my Shlomo well enough. He's the kind of kid who turns a 5-minute walk into half an hour. Stop me if this sounds familiar...

"Come on, Shlomo. Hurry up.
Don't pick that up. Stop it, put that down right now.
Let's go. Come on. Don't run into the neighbor's driveway!
Hurry up, Shlomo. We have to go.
No, that's dirty, don't touch that. Come on.
Don't chase that cat, he doesn't want you to pet him.
Put that down, that's not ours. Hurry up, Shlomo.
Don't try to open the door to that car.
Come on, let's go.
Don't pick those flowers.
No, don't eat those leaves. Put that down!
Hurry up...."

Don't get me wrong, he *can* walk. He took his first steps at 15 months. But the truth of the matter is that I prefer to push him in a stroller. Sure, most toddlers can walk... if you're OK with a 3-minute walk taking half an hour. Little kids want to stop to examine every car, run up every neighbor's driveway and chase every stray cat. And yes, you have to keep a sharp eye to make sure they're not running into the road. It's a little exhausting.

So yes, this is my parenting advice... don't push things!!!

Pick your battles and don't push your child into developmental milestones.

What I mean, is stuff like 1) keep your child sitting in the stroller for as long as possible
                                     2) keep your child sleeping in a crib for as long as possible
                                     3) keep your child in diapers for as long as possible

That sounds a little counter-intuitive, right? People say that children should learn to be independent as soon as possible and to do things on their own. Sure, right, I agree. But seriously.... the process of kids learning to do things on their own is sooooo tedious, I don't think it's worth it to push developmental milestones because you read something in a parenting book or because another mom in your playgroup brags about how advanced her kids are. Comparing yourself to others never turns out well.

It's sooo much more effort to push a child to do something they're not entirely ready for. And if you know me, you can guess my opinion about making an effort. Effort is bad. Easy is good. I would rather plop my oldest (3 years, 5 months) in a stroller seat than lose my voice yelling at him to walk. I've done my research, I know where I can buy a stroller for 6.

When my oldest was small, we shopped around for the biggest and tallest crib we could find. Why? To delay the inevitable moment when he climbs out of it and has to adjust to sleeping in a bed. Cribs keep a child contained and safe and out of your way. Once they start sleeping in a bed, there's a whole process of training them to stay in bed because they aren't surrounded by prison bars anymore.. and there are soooo many interesting things in their room to touch and play with and make a mess with. The bigger the crib, the longer your child will stay in it.

Keeping a kid in diapers is the same idea. Instead of coaxing them, pushing them, prodding them, bribing them...etc.. you let it go and wait until they're good and ready and do it themselves. I will never be the mom who wallpapers her house with sticker charts with a smiley-face sticker for every time my child used the toilet..... I'm the one whose kids they make the 'super jumbo' sized diapers for.

Like I said, I love my new stroller. It gives me great exercise pushing all three kids around. More than that, it makes my life easier. For the record, I bought it second-hand and got a faaaabulous deal on it. But seriously? Saving yourself a daily fight with a little boy who doesn't like to walk... that's priceless.

How to turn a long-sleeved shirt into a short-sleeved shirt without sewing and without it looking all dorky

It's finally summer, so I decided to take out my boys' summer clothes and put away their winter clothes. As I was folding shirts, I got the most faaaabulous idea about how to get more use out of some of the long-sleeved shirts that I was about to put away. I'm sure it's not an original idea, but this is what I did to make short-sleeved shirts... without sewing and without it looking obviously hand-made.

This is a good idea if you are low on short-sleeved shirts and don't want to buy any. Or if you're the kind of person who prefers your kids to wear clothes to death and then throw it away rather than to keep boxes of clothes to be passed on to a younger sibling. Also, it's something you can do if your child really loves a particular shirt and doesn't want to let it go just because it's summer.

Look in your kids' closet. Some shirts have arms made from contrasting material. I had a few of these. Any long-sleeved shirt with sewed-in contrasting sleeves can be made into a short-sleeved shirt in 2 minutes. All you need is scissors.

If you look closely, you will likely find that the shirt has a 'finished' short sleeved hem and a sleeve that has been attached on the inside. If the shirt still fits your child and if the fabric is lightweight enough, all you need to do is turn the shirt inside out and carefully cut the sleeves off. Don't touch the hem, just cut as closely as you can to where the sleeve is sewed in. The raggedy edge will be inside the sleeve and totally un-noticeable.

Magic

Stupid lies that stupid people that tell them to their children.

I'm not a big fan of lying. A lotta times, I may blurt out something unpopular or shocking or harsh because the alternative is... well.... a lie. There are many things a parent can do to mess up their kids. In my opinion, the worst thing they can do is to be a big fat liar.

Once a child catches on that their parent is a big fat liar, it's game over. The child loses respect for the parent and no longer trusts them. Moreover, they become suspicious of all adults, worrying if their teacher, rabbi, doctor.... etc are also big fat liars. What kind of kids do you get? Cynical and mistrustful and oftentimes manipulative little liars themselves.

If I can give you one piece of parenting advice, it's this. I don't actually care how long your nurse your baby, whether they sleep in your bed or whether you feed them Bamba at 6 months old or give them only organic sea-kelp as a snack.... just don't be a liar.

Most people know enough to steer clear of obvious lies. You don't say "We'll have ice cream after dinner" and not give your kids ice cream. That's pretty obvious. A lot of stupid lies parents tell are more subtle, but they're still lies and in some ways, they're even worse than the thing about the ice cream.

This is what I'm talking about...

"You're the best" "You're the smartest in your school" "You're the best player on the team" - In the name of self-esteem, I've heard parents try to puff up their child with this stuff. Insincere flattery is a lie. Even if your kid actually is the smartest in their class, it's inevitable that one day, some other kid will get a better grade on a test and your child will be crushed because he believed that he was the smartest and the smartest one is always the best. Kids need complements, but they don't need dumb hyperbole and insincere flattery. In reali life, it's OK not to be the best! (remember, everyone who passes medical school gets to be a doctor, not just the best student in the class)

"You can be anything you want and do anything you want when you grow up" - There's a fine line between encouraging your children to have big dreams and leading them on. Kids need to know how many hours of daily practice a prima ballerina does or how many years of college an astronaut needs. It's a little disingenuous to give kids the impression that wanting something really really really badly is enough - it sets them up for disappointment later in life. Parents need to walk a fine line between encouraging their children to have aspirations, but also recognizing the amount of hard work (and luck!) that goes into everything. The last thing you want is a child who thinks math and science are useless because they're going to be a supermodel or a rapper when they grow up.

"God will listen to you if you pray, learn, do good deeds.. etc" - Parents can't just manipulate their children into good religious behavior by pretending that the Allmighty is like an ATM... mitzvas go in, blessings come out. Religion is deep and complex and you can't make your kids obedient by over-simplifying things. Unless you have a direct hotline to God, you can't say with certainty that He will reward your kids for being good (and conversely, punish them for misdeeds) Besides, this idea loses credibility once they see misfortune happen to good people and you can't explain it away by saying that so-and-so was killed in a car accident because they ate bread that morning but didn't say a blessing afterwards.

"Eat this and you will grow up to be big and strong" - This is one lie my parents pulled on me to manipulate me to eat meat (which I hated!).. they said that my hair would grow long if I ate meat. Well, I didn't eat it and my hair still grew. Vegetarians grow up healthy. So do kids who don't drink their milk or eat their vegetables. Good parents are ones who try to make a healthy diet work around a child's preferences. It's lame to threaten kids with stunted growth to get them to eat their dinner. There are many ideas about what constitutes good nutrition. You never know... your kids may find out that their tall muscle-bound basketball coach is a vegan.

"Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny" - Yes, it's fun to pretend things, but you had better fess up the moment your child asks if something is real or make-believe. Vigorously defending something that's fake makes you look like a liar because they will (one day) find out the truth. It insults children's intelligence when they ask a good question and you reply by heaping lies on top of lies. Also, your child may become reeeeealy skeptical of religion and lump it in with the made-up stories you've told them.

"You are the most important thing in my life" - This is actually a two-fold lie... parents lie when they tell it to themselves and then lie when they repeat it to their kids. I have a huuuge problem with any parenting philosophy that puts the child at the center of the universe. Remember, before you had children, you were part of a couple and before you were part of a couple, you were your own person. Children are high needs (especially when they're small) but when a mother has the mindset that the child is the most important thing in her life, she makes her husband feel sidelined and she allows herself to be made into a shmatta for the childrens' sake. The best way to raise a spoiled brat is to let the child think that their needs (or wants!) over-ride their parents' time, attention, personal space..etc

I actually believe that the best thing you can do for a child is to provide them with a secure and stable homelife. That means that a new little baby doesn't disrupt the whole family's life, but fits into it.

Practically speaking, this means letting go of parenting practices that are "best for the baby" when you become uncomfortable with them or when they interfere with your marriage relationship. If breastfeeding is tiring you out, do it less often or stop. If being a stay-at-home mom drives you crazy, find a job. If you can't be intimate with your husband because the baby is always in your bed, accustom the baby to sleeping in a crib. If home-cooked organic meals are too difficult, serve macaroni and cheese one night a week.

Moms (especially moms with several small children!) need to grow a thick skin and become resistant to mommy guilt. Tell yourself that you're doing the best you can and that it doesn't matter that you're not living up to some ideal standard that someone else set.

I don't know if I have the magic formula for parenting, but I'm pretty sure that if you're honest with yourself and honest with your kids, then you'll be off to a good start.

How to keep friends and influence people to have kids.

As if it wasn't enough that your kids are watching you day and night, parents of small children should do well to remember that another group of people is watching their every move.... their friends who don't have kids.

Let me explain. If you have young children, most of your friends are people who have known you for years and years... maybe school friends or co-workers or neighbors. It doesn't matter how they know you, what's relevant is that they knew you before you had kids and have a "before" picture in their mind. When they look at you now, they see an "after" picture. If they're on the fence about their decision to have a family, they will look to you and think "Is *THAT* where I want my life to go?". So yeah, no pressure.

It's a little bit like being an ambassador... or a Miss Universe contestant. You are trying to present your country and your people in the best possible light and encourage people to come visit your land. I actually think it's a big responsibility... to present your life to your friends in a way that would encourage them to cross over and join you. After all, your kids need friends for playdates, right?

First of all, don't be that mom who has no idea there's a presidential election coming up, doesn't know what an ipad is and is proud to tell you that she hasn't read a book in the last five years that wasn't written by Doctor Seuss. If you were into music or technology or gourmet cooking before you had kids, maintain that interest as much as you can. It's good to have something to talk about besides your kids.... most people aren't really that interested in stories of exploding poopy diapers! More importantly, your friends who are into music or technology or gourmet cooking need the reassurance that parenthood won't swallow up their lives and their personalities.

Nobody says you have to look like Angelina Jolie, but it's a little scary when motherhood renders a friend unrecogniseable. I think we all cringe when she sees a young mom wearing big sweatshirts to hide her tummy pooch, unwashed hair and mismatched socks. I know it sounds awful and vain, but I think moms (especially moms with a buncha kids) should make an effort to get back to themselves... not to turn into a Hollywood glamour model, but to resemble the person your friends knew before your kids were born. So yeah, take 5 minutes to find a cute hat and put on lipstick before you go out. Tummies happen, so eat cottage cheese for lunch a few times a week so you can fit into your old clothes again.

Also, save the war stories for friends with kids. You don't have to tell everyone how awful labor was (hey - wanna see my c-section scar?) or how many times you woke up at night with the new baby (she ate every 45minutes until she was a year old!) or go into graphic details about poop (the first time the baby poops, it's like black tar!). It's not nice to scare your friends... you never know, they might have an easier time of things than you did and wonder why you preached doom and gloom. Everyone knows that raising kids is hard work, you can't lie and claim that everything is easy-peasy... but you don't have to give over the worst case scenario.

Tell the stories of good experiences, if you have them. If you know of someone who is scared of labor, send them over to me and I will tell you my story of taking the bus to the hospital while I was in labor. Yes, I really did that. I went to the post office, then I bought a sandwich and an iced coffee (and a sandwich to go) and then I took the bus to the hospital and Shalva was born a few hours later.

If you have a chance to get out and do something... go! (and bring the baby). It's equally important for you, as a mom, to socialize among adults as it is for the baby to socialize among adults. I've done this with all three of my little puffballs, shlepped them to shiurim, events and parties. If you do this from an early age, the baby learns to be quiet and occupy themselves in public (toys and snacks also help) . You get the added bonus of showing off your cutie-pie baby to your friends (ooooh..... aaaaah.... look at the pink bow in her hair!). If you're going out, it's a good idea to keep the baby awake for a while and then feed them right before you have to leave. You may luck out and get the baby to fall asleep in the stroller and stay asleep for most of the time that you are out.

Everyone has seen screamy babies and fussy babies in public, so imagine the surprise your friends will get when you go somewhere with a baby who doesn't scream the whole time. If nothing else, this is the one thing that can make your childless friends contemplate having one of their own.... mission accomplished!

How to raise good kids....

Being a mom is kinda like being a celebrity. How? Instead of paparazzi following you around documenting your every move, you have your children. It's a sobering thought really. Whether you like it or not, your children hear everything you say and watch everything you do. They probably won't sell your story to the National Enquirer, but they will repeat your words, copy your habits and be the first ones to call BS on you when you try to impress people by making yourself look better than you really are.

A genuine criticism I hear about raising large families is the question of how you are going to impart values and morals on all those children. Everyone knows that you can get help to take care of your family's physical needs... a cleaning lady, a laundry service, take-out meals... beyond that, children need morals and values just as much as they need clean clothes and nutritious meals. Building good character is serious business.

Does having a pile of kids (or a few kids in a short time period) make a mother too busy to give her children a proper moral education? I actually don't think so. It's a bit of a paradox really.. that imparting values on your children can be the easiest thing or the hardest thing.. it just depends on you.

What I mean, is living your life in such a way that your inside matches your outside. Honest people have an easier time raising their kids. Let me explain.

I think we've all heard stories about kids unleashing curse words in school (because they heard the words from their parents) or copying their bad habits (smoking at age 10!) or correcting their mother who is buying movie tickets by reminding her that they are 6 years old, and not 5 years old, as the mother claimed.. because the discounted children's tickets are only for kids up to age 5. Kids notice things, even when the parents are unaware. Kids are the first ones to call parents on their BS.

Back to morals and values and religion and all that stuff that parents are supposed to teach their kids to help them navigate the world. If you can give over all these things to your kids in your actions, then you don't have to use a lot of words. You don't have to buy books or watch video or have cheesy talks like sitcom moms or make situations into "teachable moments"... whatever that means. One good example is worth a thousand words ... and conversely, one bad example takes several thousand words to explain away.

I really think that kids learn more from their environment than anything else. Imagine if a couple in Spain adopted a baby from China. The child would grow up speaking Spanish fluently... but also, he would act like a Spaniard, dress like a Spaniard, prefer Spanish food and have a similar outlook as his parents. I think kids pick up on the non-verbal cues of daily life more than they pick up on a moral 'message... whether it's from a lecture by their parents, from a book or a children's show or even a religious teaching. Think about it... how many things did your parents specifically tell you... and how many things did you just pick up on because you saw 'that's how things are done' ?

It's pretty simple. Don't ever use words that you don't want your children repeating in public. Don't talk badly about other people. Be honest about things even when nobody is looking. Don't break the law. Do the good religious things that you say you believe in. Basically, don't be a big fat hypocrite.

If you don't have to expend all your energy correcting your children and telling them to "do as I say, not as I do" then your life will be easier. At the end of the day, your kids won't be juvenile delinquents because they had store-bought kugels or ate off plastic plates... but they will suffer growing up without a good parental example.