Stupid lies that stupid people that tell them to their children.

I'm not a big fan of lying. A lotta times, I may blurt out something unpopular or shocking or harsh because the alternative is... well.... a lie. There are many things a parent can do to mess up their kids. In my opinion, the worst thing they can do is to be a big fat liar.

Once a child catches on that their parent is a big fat liar, it's game over. The child loses respect for the parent and no longer trusts them. Moreover, they become suspicious of all adults, worrying if their teacher, rabbi, doctor.... etc are also big fat liars. What kind of kids do you get? Cynical and mistrustful and oftentimes manipulative little liars themselves.

If I can give you one piece of parenting advice, it's this. I don't actually care how long your nurse your baby, whether they sleep in your bed or whether you feed them Bamba at 6 months old or give them only organic sea-kelp as a snack.... just don't be a liar.

Most people know enough to steer clear of obvious lies. You don't say "We'll have ice cream after dinner" and not give your kids ice cream. That's pretty obvious. A lot of stupid lies parents tell are more subtle, but they're still lies and in some ways, they're even worse than the thing about the ice cream.

This is what I'm talking about...

"You're the best" "You're the smartest in your school" "You're the best player on the team" - In the name of self-esteem, I've heard parents try to puff up their child with this stuff. Insincere flattery is a lie. Even if your kid actually is the smartest in their class, it's inevitable that one day, some other kid will get a better grade on a test and your child will be crushed because he believed that he was the smartest and the smartest one is always the best. Kids need complements, but they don't need dumb hyperbole and insincere flattery. In reali life, it's OK not to be the best! (remember, everyone who passes medical school gets to be a doctor, not just the best student in the class)

"You can be anything you want and do anything you want when you grow up" - There's a fine line between encouraging your children to have big dreams and leading them on. Kids need to know how many hours of daily practice a prima ballerina does or how many years of college an astronaut needs. It's a little disingenuous to give kids the impression that wanting something really really really badly is enough - it sets them up for disappointment later in life. Parents need to walk a fine line between encouraging their children to have aspirations, but also recognizing the amount of hard work (and luck!) that goes into everything. The last thing you want is a child who thinks math and science are useless because they're going to be a supermodel or a rapper when they grow up.

"God will listen to you if you pray, learn, do good deeds.. etc" - Parents can't just manipulate their children into good religious behavior by pretending that the Allmighty is like an ATM... mitzvas go in, blessings come out. Religion is deep and complex and you can't make your kids obedient by over-simplifying things. Unless you have a direct hotline to God, you can't say with certainty that He will reward your kids for being good (and conversely, punish them for misdeeds) Besides, this idea loses credibility once they see misfortune happen to good people and you can't explain it away by saying that so-and-so was killed in a car accident because they ate bread that morning but didn't say a blessing afterwards.

"Eat this and you will grow up to be big and strong" - This is one lie my parents pulled on me to manipulate me to eat meat (which I hated!).. they said that my hair would grow long if I ate meat. Well, I didn't eat it and my hair still grew. Vegetarians grow up healthy. So do kids who don't drink their milk or eat their vegetables. Good parents are ones who try to make a healthy diet work around a child's preferences. It's lame to threaten kids with stunted growth to get them to eat their dinner. There are many ideas about what constitutes good nutrition. You never know... your kids may find out that their tall muscle-bound basketball coach is a vegan.

"Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny" - Yes, it's fun to pretend things, but you had better fess up the moment your child asks if something is real or make-believe. Vigorously defending something that's fake makes you look like a liar because they will (one day) find out the truth. It insults children's intelligence when they ask a good question and you reply by heaping lies on top of lies. Also, your child may become reeeeealy skeptical of religion and lump it in with the made-up stories you've told them.

"You are the most important thing in my life" - This is actually a two-fold lie... parents lie when they tell it to themselves and then lie when they repeat it to their kids. I have a huuuge problem with any parenting philosophy that puts the child at the center of the universe. Remember, before you had children, you were part of a couple and before you were part of a couple, you were your own person. Children are high needs (especially when they're small) but when a mother has the mindset that the child is the most important thing in her life, she makes her husband feel sidelined and she allows herself to be made into a shmatta for the childrens' sake. The best way to raise a spoiled brat is to let the child think that their needs (or wants!) over-ride their parents' time, attention, personal space..etc

I actually believe that the best thing you can do for a child is to provide them with a secure and stable homelife. That means that a new little baby doesn't disrupt the whole family's life, but fits into it.

Practically speaking, this means letting go of parenting practices that are "best for the baby" when you become uncomfortable with them or when they interfere with your marriage relationship. If breastfeeding is tiring you out, do it less often or stop. If being a stay-at-home mom drives you crazy, find a job. If you can't be intimate with your husband because the baby is always in your bed, accustom the baby to sleeping in a crib. If home-cooked organic meals are too difficult, serve macaroni and cheese one night a week.

Moms (especially moms with several small children!) need to grow a thick skin and become resistant to mommy guilt. Tell yourself that you're doing the best you can and that it doesn't matter that you're not living up to some ideal standard that someone else set.

I don't know if I have the magic formula for parenting, but I'm pretty sure that if you're honest with yourself and honest with your kids, then you'll be off to a good start.

How to keep friends and influence people to have kids.

As if it wasn't enough that your kids are watching you day and night, parents of small children should do well to remember that another group of people is watching their every move.... their friends who don't have kids.

Let me explain. If you have young children, most of your friends are people who have known you for years and years... maybe school friends or co-workers or neighbors. It doesn't matter how they know you, what's relevant is that they knew you before you had kids and have a "before" picture in their mind. When they look at you now, they see an "after" picture. If they're on the fence about their decision to have a family, they will look to you and think "Is *THAT* where I want my life to go?". So yeah, no pressure.

It's a little bit like being an ambassador... or a Miss Universe contestant. You are trying to present your country and your people in the best possible light and encourage people to come visit your land. I actually think it's a big responsibility... to present your life to your friends in a way that would encourage them to cross over and join you. After all, your kids need friends for playdates, right?

First of all, don't be that mom who has no idea there's a presidential election coming up, doesn't know what an ipad is and is proud to tell you that she hasn't read a book in the last five years that wasn't written by Doctor Seuss. If you were into music or technology or gourmet cooking before you had kids, maintain that interest as much as you can. It's good to have something to talk about besides your kids.... most people aren't really that interested in stories of exploding poopy diapers! More importantly, your friends who are into music or technology or gourmet cooking need the reassurance that parenthood won't swallow up their lives and their personalities.

Nobody says you have to look like Angelina Jolie, but it's a little scary when motherhood renders a friend unrecogniseable. I think we all cringe when she sees a young mom wearing big sweatshirts to hide her tummy pooch, unwashed hair and mismatched socks. I know it sounds awful and vain, but I think moms (especially moms with a buncha kids) should make an effort to get back to themselves... not to turn into a Hollywood glamour model, but to resemble the person your friends knew before your kids were born. So yeah, take 5 minutes to find a cute hat and put on lipstick before you go out. Tummies happen, so eat cottage cheese for lunch a few times a week so you can fit into your old clothes again.

Also, save the war stories for friends with kids. You don't have to tell everyone how awful labor was (hey - wanna see my c-section scar?) or how many times you woke up at night with the new baby (she ate every 45minutes until she was a year old!) or go into graphic details about poop (the first time the baby poops, it's like black tar!). It's not nice to scare your friends... you never know, they might have an easier time of things than you did and wonder why you preached doom and gloom. Everyone knows that raising kids is hard work, you can't lie and claim that everything is easy-peasy... but you don't have to give over the worst case scenario.

Tell the stories of good experiences, if you have them. If you know of someone who is scared of labor, send them over to me and I will tell you my story of taking the bus to the hospital while I was in labor. Yes, I really did that. I went to the post office, then I bought a sandwich and an iced coffee (and a sandwich to go) and then I took the bus to the hospital and Shalva was born a few hours later.

If you have a chance to get out and do something... go! (and bring the baby). It's equally important for you, as a mom, to socialize among adults as it is for the baby to socialize among adults. I've done this with all three of my little puffballs, shlepped them to shiurim, events and parties. If you do this from an early age, the baby learns to be quiet and occupy themselves in public (toys and snacks also help) . You get the added bonus of showing off your cutie-pie baby to your friends (ooooh..... aaaaah.... look at the pink bow in her hair!). If you're going out, it's a good idea to keep the baby awake for a while and then feed them right before you have to leave. You may luck out and get the baby to fall asleep in the stroller and stay asleep for most of the time that you are out.

Everyone has seen screamy babies and fussy babies in public, so imagine the surprise your friends will get when you go somewhere with a baby who doesn't scream the whole time. If nothing else, this is the one thing that can make your childless friends contemplate having one of their own.... mission accomplished!

How to raise good kids....

Being a mom is kinda like being a celebrity. How? Instead of paparazzi following you around documenting your every move, you have your children. It's a sobering thought really. Whether you like it or not, your children hear everything you say and watch everything you do. They probably won't sell your story to the National Enquirer, but they will repeat your words, copy your habits and be the first ones to call BS on you when you try to impress people by making yourself look better than you really are.

A genuine criticism I hear about raising large families is the question of how you are going to impart values and morals on all those children. Everyone knows that you can get help to take care of your family's physical needs... a cleaning lady, a laundry service, take-out meals... beyond that, children need morals and values just as much as they need clean clothes and nutritious meals. Building good character is serious business.

Does having a pile of kids (or a few kids in a short time period) make a mother too busy to give her children a proper moral education? I actually don't think so. It's a bit of a paradox really.. that imparting values on your children can be the easiest thing or the hardest thing.. it just depends on you.

What I mean, is living your life in such a way that your inside matches your outside. Honest people have an easier time raising their kids. Let me explain.

I think we've all heard stories about kids unleashing curse words in school (because they heard the words from their parents) or copying their bad habits (smoking at age 10!) or correcting their mother who is buying movie tickets by reminding her that they are 6 years old, and not 5 years old, as the mother claimed.. because the discounted children's tickets are only for kids up to age 5. Kids notice things, even when the parents are unaware. Kids are the first ones to call parents on their BS.

Back to morals and values and religion and all that stuff that parents are supposed to teach their kids to help them navigate the world. If you can give over all these things to your kids in your actions, then you don't have to use a lot of words. You don't have to buy books or watch video or have cheesy talks like sitcom moms or make situations into "teachable moments"... whatever that means. One good example is worth a thousand words ... and conversely, one bad example takes several thousand words to explain away.

I really think that kids learn more from their environment than anything else. Imagine if a couple in Spain adopted a baby from China. The child would grow up speaking Spanish fluently... but also, he would act like a Spaniard, dress like a Spaniard, prefer Spanish food and have a similar outlook as his parents. I think kids pick up on the non-verbal cues of daily life more than they pick up on a moral 'message... whether it's from a lecture by their parents, from a book or a children's show or even a religious teaching. Think about it... how many things did your parents specifically tell you... and how many things did you just pick up on because you saw 'that's how things are done' ?

It's pretty simple. Don't ever use words that you don't want your children repeating in public. Don't talk badly about other people. Be honest about things even when nobody is looking. Don't break the law. Do the good religious things that you say you believe in. Basically, don't be a big fat hypocrite.

If you don't have to expend all your energy correcting your children and telling them to "do as I say, not as I do" then your life will be easier. At the end of the day, your kids won't be juvenile delinquents because they had store-bought kugels or ate off plastic plates... but they will suffer growing up without a good parental example.