I am not a video game person, but I think the best metaphor for parenting is one of those fighting games... you know, the ones where two ninjas/robots/gladiators fight until one is slumped over on the ground. What I mean, is that both players start the game with a little strip that indicates how much power reserves they have... as the game goes on, that power is diminished by each hit, until one player's reserve runs out and he loses the game. That. is. parenting.
Parenting is a race to see whether your kids will wear you out or whether you can survive the day past bedtime with some of your power reserves intact. This holds true whether you have one child or four or eighteen. Kids, by the way, are not your enemies or your adversaries or little tiny ninjas... they're not doing this on purpose. It's just the nature of kids, they demand a lot of energy. They also have a lot of energy... funny that.
What can you do? I think all moms need to be experts in energy conservation so that we can finish the day with our kids in bed and still have something left for ourselves. We need to wear the kids out before they can wear us out! Visualize yourself with that little power strip floating above your head... think about how everything you do is draining away at your power.... and do your best to keep it from draining too fast.
What does energy conservation entail? The first thing is finding shortcuts in your housework and cooking. Do the bare minimum to keeping the house orderly. I always laugh when someone suggests getting cleaning help, so I won't say it.... because yeah...ok, I'm still trying to discover a lake of gold in my backyard. Find whatever works for you... I love freezing meals and do a lot of crockpot cooking and save all my laundry for one big day of washing instead of washing every day. Also, if you can do it, de-clutter! Keeping track of less stuff takes less effort.... really really. If you give away half your clothes, your closet will be easier to organize. If you put some of your kids toys in a box in the attic, your kids rooms will be easier to clean. (regarding the toys... wait a few months and switch out toys)
Parenting is a race to see whether your kids will wear you out or whether you can survive the day past bedtime with some of your power reserves intact. This holds true whether you have one child or four or eighteen. Kids, by the way, are not your enemies or your adversaries or little tiny ninjas... they're not doing this on purpose. It's just the nature of kids, they demand a lot of energy. They also have a lot of energy... funny that.
What can you do? I think all moms need to be experts in energy conservation so that we can finish the day with our kids in bed and still have something left for ourselves. We need to wear the kids out before they can wear us out! Visualize yourself with that little power strip floating above your head... think about how everything you do is draining away at your power.... and do your best to keep it from draining too fast.
What does energy conservation entail? The first thing is finding shortcuts in your housework and cooking. Do the bare minimum to keeping the house orderly. I always laugh when someone suggests getting cleaning help, so I won't say it.... because yeah...ok, I'm still trying to discover a lake of gold in my backyard. Find whatever works for you... I love freezing meals and do a lot of crockpot cooking and save all my laundry for one big day of washing instead of washing every day. Also, if you can do it, de-clutter! Keeping track of less stuff takes less effort.... really really. If you give away half your clothes, your closet will be easier to organize. If you put some of your kids toys in a box in the attic, your kids rooms will be easier to clean. (regarding the toys... wait a few months and switch out toys)
Also, there is nothing wrong with spending a little money to make your life easier. You can always make more money (!!!), but your time and energy are things that you can never get back. Running a dryer takes money, hanging clothes takes effort. If you have the cash, consider buying appliances that make your life easier. If you don't have the cash for a dishwasher, splurge on a package of disposable plastic plates... each package is 50 plates that you will never have to scrape, wash or put away... totally worth the 4nis, right?
Washing dishes is hard for everybody, but not every parenting "thing" is so cut and dried. Some moms say that co-sleeping is easier, some moms say that keeping the baby in another room is easier. Both are probably right and I don't judge either of them. Who bothers me? The "I have to do what's best for my children" mom! That actually sounds nice on the surface, but I think it's tragic *if* the thing that she thinks is best is becoming difficult and she persists. IMO, the best thing for kids is a happy and healthy and sane mommy. Period.
How do you wear out your children's power supply??? They do it themselves! My rule is to let *them* do most of the talking and most of the running around. Watch me at the park... I'm not the mom crawling up the slide with her kids. I'm the one with her tush firmly planted on the bench! I bring them snacks, I bring them toys, I watch them play and say things like "You are climbing so well" "I see you up there... good job" ...plus making sure that nobody is gushing blood. The kids are the ones running around and using up their energy. If you want to run and jump, join a Zumba class. (for real... those look like fun)
The other thing you will never find me doing is proving a running life commentary to a child. I'm sure you've seen it... a mom walking with her child in the stroller... the child is quiet and happy... the mom, thinking she is doing some good, is talking the poor child's ear off... "Look at that tree, what pretty white flowers it has, we call it an almond tree, in the fall those little flowers will make nuts and we can eat them..etc" Moms of older kids do the same... trying to use every waking moment to teach the child something or tell them a story from the Gemarah. As educational as this can be, you are wasting your precious energy plus it discourages the child from talking since *you* are his entertainment. You want *him* to talk. Your lines are "Oh, really? Why " "Tell me about that" "What do you think?" Kids say funny and interesting stuff sometimes... and when they are bigger, they may share their innermost thoughts with you if they see that you are a good listener.
A huge power-drainer is putting babies to bed. I hear of moms who rock and pat and shush and swing and sing the entire score of "Les Miserables" in order to get their baby to sleep. I wasn't OK with this idea when I only had one child... but I have seen moms who did this with baby #1 and who pulled their hair out once their second is born... suddenly an impatient toddler is asking for a sandwich but mom is sitting in a rocking chair in the baby's room singing "Master of the House" in her best French accent. I don't pat. I don't rock. I don't sing. I plop. From the beginning, I make sure my baby is fed and burped and wearing a clean diaper and is otherwise calm and then I gently lay him in his crib and leave. I come back in a few minutes to check on him, but (for real!) it is not hard to get a baby accustomed to falling asleep on his own. I think this only involves a massive amount of crying if it's done after the baby has been patted and walked and shushed for months. Once he has figure it out, your life is a thousand times easier.
How do you wear out your children's power supply??? They do it themselves! My rule is to let *them* do most of the talking and most of the running around. Watch me at the park... I'm not the mom crawling up the slide with her kids. I'm the one with her tush firmly planted on the bench! I bring them snacks, I bring them toys, I watch them play and say things like "You are climbing so well" "I see you up there... good job" ...plus making sure that nobody is gushing blood. The kids are the ones running around and using up their energy. If you want to run and jump, join a Zumba class. (for real... those look like fun)
The other thing you will never find me doing is proving a running life commentary to a child. I'm sure you've seen it... a mom walking with her child in the stroller... the child is quiet and happy... the mom, thinking she is doing some good, is talking the poor child's ear off... "Look at that tree, what pretty white flowers it has, we call it an almond tree, in the fall those little flowers will make nuts and we can eat them..etc" Moms of older kids do the same... trying to use every waking moment to teach the child something or tell them a story from the Gemarah. As educational as this can be, you are wasting your precious energy plus it discourages the child from talking since *you* are his entertainment. You want *him* to talk. Your lines are "Oh, really? Why " "Tell me about that" "What do you think?" Kids say funny and interesting stuff sometimes... and when they are bigger, they may share their innermost thoughts with you if they see that you are a good listener.
A huge power-drainer is putting babies to bed. I hear of moms who rock and pat and shush and swing and sing the entire score of "Les Miserables" in order to get their baby to sleep. I wasn't OK with this idea when I only had one child... but I have seen moms who did this with baby #1 and who pulled their hair out once their second is born... suddenly an impatient toddler is asking for a sandwich but mom is sitting in a rocking chair in the baby's room singing "Master of the House" in her best French accent. I don't pat. I don't rock. I don't sing. I plop. From the beginning, I make sure my baby is fed and burped and wearing a clean diaper and is otherwise calm and then I gently lay him in his crib and leave. I come back in a few minutes to check on him, but (for real!) it is not hard to get a baby accustomed to falling asleep on his own. I think this only involves a massive amount of crying if it's done after the baby has been patted and walked and shushed for months. Once he has figure it out, your life is a thousand times easier.
So yeah, that's my deep insight this week. There is only so much energy that you are given for each day. If you exhaust yours too early, then you end up letting the kids walk all over you and you give them Cheetos for supper. Even worse, you have nothing left in case you want to go do something after the kids are in bed... or enjoy some time with your spouse. Tragically enough, you might even forget *how* you got all those kids in the first place...lol.
I've heard well-meaning granola-heads proudly speak about putting themselves 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) and giving their child all their energy... at least for the years when they are still small. It doesn't sound "so bad" when a woman says that, but I still think she is doing herself serious harm. I am still waiting for my mail-order medical degree to arrive, but I wholeheartedly believe that people get sick when they neglect their bodies. Constantly being in 'giving mode' can't be healthy... no matter how many vitamins we take. I've heard it said that a good night's sleep is natural Prozac... and I could not agree more.
I recently had my "AHA!" moment about why extreme crunchy parenting practices rubbed me the wrong way. Crunchy parenting has a compelling argument... "women have raised their children like this for thousands of years" they say. I couldn't refute that until I realized something... ancient societies lived at a slower pace, had extended family around, centered life around the home and were more in-tune with the rhythms of life. For example, moms weren't up at 2am... not surfing the net, not getting one more load of laundry in and certainly not baking cupcakes for a gan party. People didn't run around so much, they led simple lives and that's how they were able to take care of their kids like that. The sun set and they went to sleep. They all worked from home. And yeah.... there was no one online to argue with.
In the end, I think we are all trying to do our best with what we have (and raise Nobel Prize winning physicists and great Rabbis... of course!) but we can't lose ourselves in the pursuit of taking care of our children. Even if our kids are super-wicked-awesome kids, our job is still difficult. And for real, energy conservation is the only way to go.
