Mazal tov to me! Our 4th little puffball was born in June.... he was an addition to my collection of little children ages 4, 3 and almost-2.
Now that two months have passed by, I don't yet feel like I know everything about raising 4 little children, but I felt the need to distill my experiences into a blog post. I thought long and hard about what to write and finally realized that I couldn't establish any hard-and-fast rules about what it is like to have 4 little children. To tell you the truth, it's more like a series of paradoxical statements. Trust me, it makes sense.
1. Get help!!! *BUT ALSO* do it all yourself.
Everyone knows that famous people have the easiest parenting job. Why? Because they have someone washing their floors and folding their laundry and cooking 7-course organic vegan raw-food meals so they can watch their kids play soccer without a care in the world. They outsource the difficult stuff so they can enjoy the fun stuff.... it's a great idea! If you can afford it, get a cleaning lady. Get a mother's helper to help with the baby while you play with the older kids.. Take up any offers for free babysitting from sisters, cousins, nieces, neighbors..etc. Also, enlist your husband to help. Find out if a nearby highschool or seminary has a program where they send out their girls to do volunteer work to help in the community. The ideal thing is for you to spend quality time with the kids while someone else does the things that are less important.
*BUT ALSO* figure out a way to do everything all by yourself with no help whatsoever. Call me a cynic, but people will fail you. Cleaning ladies and babysitters won't show up. Friends and neighbors will flake out on you. Even husbands get busy with their own things. So yeah, figure out a way to be self-reliant and do everything on your own, if need be. With me, this involves some crazy level of multitasking... rocking the baby with one hand and feeding my 2-year-old yogurt with the other hand.... also holding simultaneous ADHD-like conversations with 3 kids at the same time. Streamline and simplify your routine to fit everything into a finite amount of time, just in case you find yourself doing it all yourself.
2. Give individual attention *BUT ALSO* make every activity a group activity
A mom with a large family (oy! is that what I have now?) needs to make a concerted effort to make each child feel special and unique. Every day, you need to do something to make each child feel like they are your only child. If a child feels loved and cherished, he won't decide to 'act out' in order to gain attention. To keep your children from feeling like they are lost in the shuffle, you need to carve out a space where your time and attention is focused on that one child and the universe stands still. Yes, I'm serious. If you are two years old, the universe stands still when you are sitting in your mother's lap and she is reading your favorite book... for the 3rd time straight.
*BUT ALSO* there is not enough time in the day. Sometimes, the only way that you will be able to get everything done is to include everyone. In my house, everyone eats together, bathes together... etc. Even though the new baby won't appreciate outings to the park or the Gymboree, I plop him in the stroller when he's sleeping and take him along... otherwise I would be stuck at home. Strollers can be comfortable places to sleep in. Also, I can't count the times that I dragged my baby chair into the bathroom so I could plop the baby in his chair so I could watch him as I bathed the older ones. You save time and effort and also you are gradually getting the new baby adjusted to the older kids' schedule.... one day when he is old enough to sit up, you will plop him in a baby bath seat and bathe him along with the others. If you live in an apartment with a small bathtub, consider what would be harder... doing separate bath-times for each of the kids or paying to install a new large-sized tub. If it was my dilemma, I would get the new tub.
3. Take it easy and give yourself time to rest *BUT ALSO* bounce back ASAP
Giving birth is hard, taking care of children is hard, so take any spare moment to rest and recover and take care of yourself. Nap when the kids nap. Nap while your husband is playing with the kids in the next room. Nap while your sister takes the kids to the park. You'll need your energy, so make sure to get enough to eat. If you are hungry, have a snack. You will need good nutritious food to keep up your milk supply and to help your body recover from childbirth. Forget about how some silly celebrity woman posed in a bikini on the cover of People magazine a month after giving birth or some hyper-driven CEO returned to work after she was discharged from the hospital. Take your time to recover and rest.
*BUT ALSO* don't take it too easy that you find yourself wearing the same maternity yoga pants for 5 days straight because you still haven't left the house. Any feelings of post-partum crappiness will just be exacerbated by not going out and by not taking care of your body. Losing the post-partum weight will make *you* feel good... there's no need to consider what the rest of society thinks you should look like. And imagine all the cute outfits you can make when you fit into all of your old clothes again. More importantly, I think that doing something active (even if it's walking to the makolet to buy apples) and getting back to your old self will give you energy (both physical and mental) to take care of your kids. Remember what Elle Woods said "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy"
4. You can't complain *BUT ALSO* yes, you can... just complain quietly
I'm superstitious, so on public online forums, I try not to gush about how wonderful my kids are... for fear of the evil eye. Moreover, I have friends whose kids have special needs, illnesses, medical conditions and such.... and also friends struggling with infertility. So yeah, out of sensitivity, I try not to complain because actually, some of the people who would hear my complaints would give anything to be in my shoes. I think it's basic common decency.
*BUT ALSO* find sympathetic friends (real-life friends as well as internet-friends) who are in the same stage of life as you and kvetch away. And if you live near me, come over for coffee and we can commiserate about spit-up and blow-out poopy diapers.
Did any of that make sense? I'm not entirely sure that my brain still works. But yeah... today was a good day. 4 little puffballs were fed and dressed and taken to school (for those who go to school) and picked up and taken to the park and put to bed. Everyone is alive and I have a little spare time to write things on the internet, so I guess it means that I did everything right and that I must know everything now.
Tomorrow is another day. I probably won't know everything tomorrow. :)
