I have opinions about a lot of things, but unless you ask me, I won't try to impose them on you. I won't tell you what to feed your baby, how to dress him, how to get him to sleep or whether or not he will be traumatized forever if you don't let him have a pacifier. However, there is one piece of advice that I try to give any new mom who has small children...
DON'T BE A JERK TO YOUR KIDS!!!!
That's it. That's all I want to say. This works whether you have 2 toddlers when the new baby is born or 8 toddlers. It works whether your kids are 10 months apart or 2+ years apart. No matter what your situation, you will have an easier time transitioning your new baby into your family if you are not a jerk to your kids.
Let me elaborate. Moms behaving like jerks make the other children resentful, jealous and attention-deprived (and prone to misbehave to regain attention)... so here are three rules about how not to be that jerky mom.
1. Don't drop everything when the baby cries
2. Don't push developmental milestones
3. Don't throw the family schedule upside down
What the first rule means is that when two little people are crying for your attention at the exact same second, you give your attention to the older one. In all fairness, the older child was there first. More importantly, they will notice when you drop the knife in the middle of making their sandwich so you can pick up a crying baby. Unless it's an emergency, the baby will be OK if she cries for another 20 seconds as you finish the sandwich and hand it to your toddler.
What you are communicating to your toddler is that they are important and that you are reliable and follow through on the things you promise them.
What the second rule means is that you respect where your children are developmentally and don't force them to toilet train or sleep in a big bed or walk instead of sitting in a stroller if they are not ready. Nobody has died from having several kids in diapers or buying a double stroller, but forcing a child to 'grow up' just because the new baby arrived and the baby needs his stuff is jerky. It shows a lack of respect for the child's abilities and desires. More importantly, it sets the stage for sibling rivalry and territorial battles.
If your older child is still at an age where it's normal for him to sleep in a crib (Google it, ask your friend who have kids, look it up in a book), then buy a second-hand crib for the new baby or borrow one from your cousin. The baby won't care where she sleeps as long as it is warm and comfy, but an older child will notice these things and may fight even harder to stay in *HIS* crib. You might even hear about it for the next 18 years....
What the third rule means is to respect the family routines as much as possible. Kids like routine, even older ones who say that they don't. They need security and stability and familiarity. If you go into labor on Wednesday morning and rush off to the hospital, they will forgive you for not taking them to the Gymboree on Wednesday afternoon and making homemade pizza like you always do. OK, but once the baby is home, too many weeks without Gymboree and pizza sends the signal that your older kids are not important and that one tiny person's needs surpass the needs of several little people. Little tiny babies are usually pretty portable; feed them, change them, wrap them up and pop them in a stroller (or baby carrier, if that's your thing) and you are free to go almost anywhere and do almost anything. Getting back to routines and familiar family events shows your older children that nothing has changed and that life goes on as normal.... because it should.
I have heard people say that a new baby always comes first. This may sound right on an intuitive level, but in practice, it means that your other kids always come second (don't get me started on where the husband's place is!) and I think that's a recipe for disaster. Like I said, a baby won't remember that you waited to change his diaper to make your toddlers sandwich, but a toddler will notice. And a tantrum-ing toddler can ruin your afternoon much faster than a baby crying for 30 seconds. A newborn is very high-maintenance, but if you plan on having a handful of them, it won't be practical to drop everything for two years to make sure the new baby gets all the immediate love and instant attention.
Also, you want to enlist your older kids as allies. You want them to grab you a diaper from across the room or watch the baby so you can have a shower. You want them to love the new baby and not see him as a threat to their way of life. You hope that they will be friends with their new sibling when he grows up. The last thing you want is children who feel neglected. Kids are creative and can find all kinds of ways to make trouble to get your attention away from the new baby.
So yeah, don't be a jerk.
