If you spend any time in the land of internet mommyhood, there is a common complaint you will repeatedly hear... a mommy-person was out in some public space and some comment by some random stranger made her feel judged or shamed or even worse. I think I've shared the following advice a dozen times, so now I decided to write a proper blog post and elaborate a little.
What's the best response to some nosy comment by a stranger? Lie, lie lie! That's right, just tell the person whatever you think they want to hear... smile... and walk away knowing that you have contributed to world peace.
Let me back up for a second and assert something which I truly believe: not everyone who asks deeply personal questions is malicious, some people are socially clueless or lack conversation skills. A perfect stranger is grasping at straws trying to make conversation with you, they see that you have a baby, so they pull out whatever bit of baby-related information they can think of.... "so, are you breastfeeding?" "is she sleeping through the night?" "how much weight did you gain when you were pregnant?" ...you know, silly innocuous non-offensive things like that... lol.
For real, I don't think most people (men! older people! teenagers!) realize that these are actually sensitive topics to mommy-people. If you saw a guy holding a dog, you would make small talk about dogs, if you saw a guy with tennis rackets, you would make small talk about tennis, people see a mom with a baby, so.....
I think life is easier if you just assume that some people are truly clueless. Don't get offended, just tell them whatever you think they want to hear... and talk about something else. If it's just a random stranger trying to pass time waiting for the bus, they likely don't *care* about your answers, they just want to talk.
Aside from the truly clueless, there *are* people who strike up sensitive conversations with random strangers because they have some kind of agenda. I won't deny it, some people believe that their mission in life is to point out other people's faults and help them to do better. Missionaries totally fall into the category of people who should be lied to. Why? Someone like that is pretty entrenched in their beliefs (about breastfeeding or sleep training or pregnancy weigh gain) and no amount of "educating" or "enlightening" or "speaking out" will impact their worldview. If nothing else, you strengthen them by reacting so negatively to their nosy questions....why are you getting so defensive if you're doing the right thing?
So yeah, if you realize that some fanatical woman (they're almost always women!) is asking you a loaded question about pregnancy or childbirth or parenting, then diffuse her crusade by answering her with whatever you think she wants to hear. Then smile and say "Yeah, I know" when she starts to spout opinions. In onlineland, these are the kind of people who troll FB groups and start arguments to pass the time. (Halevai... we should all be blessed with so much free time)
What's the point of becoming a lying liar? To avoid those difficult emotional conversations with perfect strangers where you waste your time and energy and leave upset. Don't let the rest of your day be ruined by people who you will never see again.
You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you choose to live your life....let's all be clear here.
If a real person you know starts to ask these uncomfortable questions, it's legit to say "we don't ask people such questions" or "I don't want to talk about this' or answering their question honestly and letting them know that their assumptions aren't accurate. There is a time and place to pour your guts out and let people know that life isn't black and white and that their stereotypes aren't true. It's important to speak out, to educate others, to use your life as an example and to make the world a more tolerant place...but that can only come from people who you have a real relationship with.
With regards to perfect strangers, I think the way to spread peace in the world (and to keep yourself calm and happy) is to smile and nod and bend the truth to fit their view of the world.
And yes, there is a legit religious precedent for lying to keep peace between people. Pirkei Avos tells us, “Be like the students of Aharon Hakohen.”... Aharon strove to make peace between people. When he saw two people arguing he would pretend that both sides wanted to make up.
Like I keep saying on all these FB mommy group posts.... just tell people what they want to hear... and go on with your life.
Saturday 11 February 2017
Tuesday 3 March 2015
Wasting money can be a good thing - yes, really.
Here's a riddle: what's the difference between the electric company and a mom with 5 little children?
answer: only one of them has unlimited energy. (I'll leave you to guess which one...lol)
There are phrases I have heard repeated in Israel soooo often, I would be inclined to think they came from the Talmud - or from the writings of some great Rabbi.... stuff like "A dryer uses up so much power" "Your water bill will go up if you buy a dishwasher" "All those machines are just going to take up space on your kitchen counters" I don't disagree with any of them, but this is not the philosophy that I choose to live my life by.
Let me make the obvious point, which I think some moms-of-many-small-children miss... there are *some* problems that go away when you throw a little money at them.
A person only has a limited amount of energy and patience and strength every day.... once a person's energy has been exhausted, it won't come back so quickly (usually, not until after a good night's sleep). Electricity and water and an electrical appliance's strength... these are things that are replenished almost instantly. I would also count money as one of these renewable resources... you can always make more money, but if you wear yourself out, then your day is finished. Also, when your body is "done"... also your patience and your tolerance and whatnot.
Let me put myself squarely into the corner of electricty-wasters and water-wasters and counter-space-wasters and tell you that I LOOOOOVE my dryer and my dishwasher and some of the time-saving kitchen appliances that I have bought. Also, I would like to share that I will NEVER NEVER NEVER cook a pot of dried beans on the stove. (maybe I should write 'never' a few more times to get the point)... because they come in cans.
We aren't rich by any means, but my husband agrees with me that my sanity is worth more than a few shekels of electricity. Your sanity is worth it too... believe me, it is.
The two obvious energy-savers (YOUR energy, not the power company's) are a dishwasher and a dryer. You can buy one secondhand or get the appliance store to spread it out over a bunch of payments... or tell your in-laws that you don't want a crib or a stroller when the new baby comes... you want a dryer!
I don't think I have to explain that putting stuff into a machine and pressing the button is easier than doing it yourself.
Incidentally, there are other things you can do to make your laundry time easier. For example, I HATE HATE HATE baby socks (should I write "hate" again) because they are fussy and dumb and hard to keep track of. You will either see my baby in outfits with feet or wearing pants with feet under his outfits... NO SOCKS!
The other thing is to figure out what foods you are hopeless in cooking... and delegate your work to some electrical appliance that will take up space on your counter and cause your electric bill to rise.
A rice-cooker is one of my favourite things ever! I am awful at making rice, even though I know how supposedly simple it is. The rice-cooker was 120nis and makes foolproof rice with no effort. I have burned and/or undercooked enough pots of rice to realize that it is not worth my time to try. A rice cooker makes other food too (look online!).... add some red lentils to the uncooked rice and throw in dried onions and you have the fastest mujadarra you will ever make.
That's the same idea with the my hatred of dried beans. I do not have the time to spend hours cooking a pot of beans. Truthfully, I do not have the mental space to realize that I need to start cooking a pot of beans a bunch-of-hours ahead of time. Also, I have burned or undercooked beans all too often. So yeah, canned beans are my friend. In an instant, you can have rice-and-beans or bean soup or countless other nutritious meals.
I am also reeeealy lousy at making popcorn, so a popcorn maker is something I recently bought. Popcorn is a cheap and healthy snack, but I have never successfully made it with a pot...never never never... I could try a hundred times, but my kids wouldn't eat it and there would be a mess in the pot. It's just not worth it.
I am happy to admit that I am a quitter... if something is too difficult, then I quit. My time and energies are better spent taking care of my kids... or getting to bed at a reasonable hour.
Oh gosh, now that I read these last few comments, I see that it really sounds like I'm dumb. That's actually not the case... it's more like distracted. I can't just cook food and focus on the food because I am watching 5 little children... so after 'wipe my tushy!" "he took my toy!" "I want a glass of milk" and "the baby smells yucky"... and that's the real reason my rice burns or my popcorn flops.
Like I said, veteran Israelis spurn dryers and dishwashers and kitchen machines as wasteful and excessive. Don't listen to them! The electric company never runs out of power. You do. (all the more so if you don't have a MIL living next door who helps out... and hangs the laundry!)
Many of life's problems can't be solved by throwing money at them.. but this is one of them that can.
If you have the money, spend it!
If you maybe possibly have the money, spend it!
If you think about something else that you could do without so that you can spend your energy taking care of your children instead of taking care of dishes or laundry.... re-budget your budget.
I am a big believer in there being a time for everything... different periods in your life when one thing is more important than others. When you have small children, there is no 'saving for a rainy day'... it's already raining!!!
Tune out your Israeli neighbors and just get a dryer. Get it delivered when she's out.
answer: only one of them has unlimited energy. (I'll leave you to guess which one...lol)
There are phrases I have heard repeated in Israel soooo often, I would be inclined to think they came from the Talmud - or from the writings of some great Rabbi.... stuff like "A dryer uses up so much power" "Your water bill will go up if you buy a dishwasher" "All those machines are just going to take up space on your kitchen counters" I don't disagree with any of them, but this is not the philosophy that I choose to live my life by.
Let me make the obvious point, which I think some moms-of-many-small-children miss... there are *some* problems that go away when you throw a little money at them.
A person only has a limited amount of energy and patience and strength every day.... once a person's energy has been exhausted, it won't come back so quickly (usually, not until after a good night's sleep). Electricity and water and an electrical appliance's strength... these are things that are replenished almost instantly. I would also count money as one of these renewable resources... you can always make more money, but if you wear yourself out, then your day is finished. Also, when your body is "done"... also your patience and your tolerance and whatnot.
Let me put myself squarely into the corner of electricty-wasters and water-wasters and counter-space-wasters and tell you that I LOOOOOVE my dryer and my dishwasher and some of the time-saving kitchen appliances that I have bought. Also, I would like to share that I will NEVER NEVER NEVER cook a pot of dried beans on the stove. (maybe I should write 'never' a few more times to get the point)... because they come in cans.
We aren't rich by any means, but my husband agrees with me that my sanity is worth more than a few shekels of electricity. Your sanity is worth it too... believe me, it is.
The two obvious energy-savers (YOUR energy, not the power company's) are a dishwasher and a dryer. You can buy one secondhand or get the appliance store to spread it out over a bunch of payments... or tell your in-laws that you don't want a crib or a stroller when the new baby comes... you want a dryer!
I don't think I have to explain that putting stuff into a machine and pressing the button is easier than doing it yourself.
Incidentally, there are other things you can do to make your laundry time easier. For example, I HATE HATE HATE baby socks (should I write "hate" again) because they are fussy and dumb and hard to keep track of. You will either see my baby in outfits with feet or wearing pants with feet under his outfits... NO SOCKS!
The other thing is to figure out what foods you are hopeless in cooking... and delegate your work to some electrical appliance that will take up space on your counter and cause your electric bill to rise.
A rice-cooker is one of my favourite things ever! I am awful at making rice, even though I know how supposedly simple it is. The rice-cooker was 120nis and makes foolproof rice with no effort. I have burned and/or undercooked enough pots of rice to realize that it is not worth my time to try. A rice cooker makes other food too (look online!).... add some red lentils to the uncooked rice and throw in dried onions and you have the fastest mujadarra you will ever make.
That's the same idea with the my hatred of dried beans. I do not have the time to spend hours cooking a pot of beans. Truthfully, I do not have the mental space to realize that I need to start cooking a pot of beans a bunch-of-hours ahead of time. Also, I have burned or undercooked beans all too often. So yeah, canned beans are my friend. In an instant, you can have rice-and-beans or bean soup or countless other nutritious meals.
I am also reeeealy lousy at making popcorn, so a popcorn maker is something I recently bought. Popcorn is a cheap and healthy snack, but I have never successfully made it with a pot...never never never... I could try a hundred times, but my kids wouldn't eat it and there would be a mess in the pot. It's just not worth it.
I am happy to admit that I am a quitter... if something is too difficult, then I quit. My time and energies are better spent taking care of my kids... or getting to bed at a reasonable hour.
Oh gosh, now that I read these last few comments, I see that it really sounds like I'm dumb. That's actually not the case... it's more like distracted. I can't just cook food and focus on the food because I am watching 5 little children... so after 'wipe my tushy!" "he took my toy!" "I want a glass of milk" and "the baby smells yucky"... and that's the real reason my rice burns or my popcorn flops.
Like I said, veteran Israelis spurn dryers and dishwashers and kitchen machines as wasteful and excessive. Don't listen to them! The electric company never runs out of power. You do. (all the more so if you don't have a MIL living next door who helps out... and hangs the laundry!)
Many of life's problems can't be solved by throwing money at them.. but this is one of them that can.
If you have the money, spend it!
If you maybe possibly have the money, spend it!
If you think about something else that you could do without so that you can spend your energy taking care of your children instead of taking care of dishes or laundry.... re-budget your budget.
I am a big believer in there being a time for everything... different periods in your life when one thing is more important than others. When you have small children, there is no 'saving for a rainy day'... it's already raining!!!
Tune out your Israeli neighbors and just get a dryer. Get it delivered when she's out.
Monday 20 January 2014
Parenting in a nutshell
I am not a video game person, but I think the best metaphor for parenting is one of those fighting games... you know, the ones where two ninjas/robots/gladiators fight until one is slumped over on the ground. What I mean, is that both players start the game with a little strip that indicates how much power reserves they have... as the game goes on, that power is diminished by each hit, until one player's reserve runs out and he loses the game. That. is. parenting.
Parenting is a race to see whether your kids will wear you out or whether you can survive the day past bedtime with some of your power reserves intact. This holds true whether you have one child or four or eighteen. Kids, by the way, are not your enemies or your adversaries or little tiny ninjas... they're not doing this on purpose. It's just the nature of kids, they demand a lot of energy. They also have a lot of energy... funny that.
What can you do? I think all moms need to be experts in energy conservation so that we can finish the day with our kids in bed and still have something left for ourselves. We need to wear the kids out before they can wear us out! Visualize yourself with that little power strip floating above your head... think about how everything you do is draining away at your power.... and do your best to keep it from draining too fast.
What does energy conservation entail? The first thing is finding shortcuts in your housework and cooking. Do the bare minimum to keeping the house orderly. I always laugh when someone suggests getting cleaning help, so I won't say it.... because yeah...ok, I'm still trying to discover a lake of gold in my backyard. Find whatever works for you... I love freezing meals and do a lot of crockpot cooking and save all my laundry for one big day of washing instead of washing every day. Also, if you can do it, de-clutter! Keeping track of less stuff takes less effort.... really really. If you give away half your clothes, your closet will be easier to organize. If you put some of your kids toys in a box in the attic, your kids rooms will be easier to clean. (regarding the toys... wait a few months and switch out toys)
Parenting is a race to see whether your kids will wear you out or whether you can survive the day past bedtime with some of your power reserves intact. This holds true whether you have one child or four or eighteen. Kids, by the way, are not your enemies or your adversaries or little tiny ninjas... they're not doing this on purpose. It's just the nature of kids, they demand a lot of energy. They also have a lot of energy... funny that.
What can you do? I think all moms need to be experts in energy conservation so that we can finish the day with our kids in bed and still have something left for ourselves. We need to wear the kids out before they can wear us out! Visualize yourself with that little power strip floating above your head... think about how everything you do is draining away at your power.... and do your best to keep it from draining too fast.
What does energy conservation entail? The first thing is finding shortcuts in your housework and cooking. Do the bare minimum to keeping the house orderly. I always laugh when someone suggests getting cleaning help, so I won't say it.... because yeah...ok, I'm still trying to discover a lake of gold in my backyard. Find whatever works for you... I love freezing meals and do a lot of crockpot cooking and save all my laundry for one big day of washing instead of washing every day. Also, if you can do it, de-clutter! Keeping track of less stuff takes less effort.... really really. If you give away half your clothes, your closet will be easier to organize. If you put some of your kids toys in a box in the attic, your kids rooms will be easier to clean. (regarding the toys... wait a few months and switch out toys)
Also, there is nothing wrong with spending a little money to make your life easier. You can always make more money (!!!), but your time and energy are things that you can never get back. Running a dryer takes money, hanging clothes takes effort. If you have the cash, consider buying appliances that make your life easier. If you don't have the cash for a dishwasher, splurge on a package of disposable plastic plates... each package is 50 plates that you will never have to scrape, wash or put away... totally worth the 4nis, right?
Washing dishes is hard for everybody, but not every parenting "thing" is so cut and dried. Some moms say that co-sleeping is easier, some moms say that keeping the baby in another room is easier. Both are probably right and I don't judge either of them. Who bothers me? The "I have to do what's best for my children" mom! That actually sounds nice on the surface, but I think it's tragic *if* the thing that she thinks is best is becoming difficult and she persists. IMO, the best thing for kids is a happy and healthy and sane mommy. Period.
How do you wear out your children's power supply??? They do it themselves! My rule is to let *them* do most of the talking and most of the running around. Watch me at the park... I'm not the mom crawling up the slide with her kids. I'm the one with her tush firmly planted on the bench! I bring them snacks, I bring them toys, I watch them play and say things like "You are climbing so well" "I see you up there... good job" ...plus making sure that nobody is gushing blood. The kids are the ones running around and using up their energy. If you want to run and jump, join a Zumba class. (for real... those look like fun)
The other thing you will never find me doing is proving a running life commentary to a child. I'm sure you've seen it... a mom walking with her child in the stroller... the child is quiet and happy... the mom, thinking she is doing some good, is talking the poor child's ear off... "Look at that tree, what pretty white flowers it has, we call it an almond tree, in the fall those little flowers will make nuts and we can eat them..etc" Moms of older kids do the same... trying to use every waking moment to teach the child something or tell them a story from the Gemarah. As educational as this can be, you are wasting your precious energy plus it discourages the child from talking since *you* are his entertainment. You want *him* to talk. Your lines are "Oh, really? Why " "Tell me about that" "What do you think?" Kids say funny and interesting stuff sometimes... and when they are bigger, they may share their innermost thoughts with you if they see that you are a good listener.
A huge power-drainer is putting babies to bed. I hear of moms who rock and pat and shush and swing and sing the entire score of "Les Miserables" in order to get their baby to sleep. I wasn't OK with this idea when I only had one child... but I have seen moms who did this with baby #1 and who pulled their hair out once their second is born... suddenly an impatient toddler is asking for a sandwich but mom is sitting in a rocking chair in the baby's room singing "Master of the House" in her best French accent. I don't pat. I don't rock. I don't sing. I plop. From the beginning, I make sure my baby is fed and burped and wearing a clean diaper and is otherwise calm and then I gently lay him in his crib and leave. I come back in a few minutes to check on him, but (for real!) it is not hard to get a baby accustomed to falling asleep on his own. I think this only involves a massive amount of crying if it's done after the baby has been patted and walked and shushed for months. Once he has figure it out, your life is a thousand times easier.
How do you wear out your children's power supply??? They do it themselves! My rule is to let *them* do most of the talking and most of the running around. Watch me at the park... I'm not the mom crawling up the slide with her kids. I'm the one with her tush firmly planted on the bench! I bring them snacks, I bring them toys, I watch them play and say things like "You are climbing so well" "I see you up there... good job" ...plus making sure that nobody is gushing blood. The kids are the ones running around and using up their energy. If you want to run and jump, join a Zumba class. (for real... those look like fun)
The other thing you will never find me doing is proving a running life commentary to a child. I'm sure you've seen it... a mom walking with her child in the stroller... the child is quiet and happy... the mom, thinking she is doing some good, is talking the poor child's ear off... "Look at that tree, what pretty white flowers it has, we call it an almond tree, in the fall those little flowers will make nuts and we can eat them..etc" Moms of older kids do the same... trying to use every waking moment to teach the child something or tell them a story from the Gemarah. As educational as this can be, you are wasting your precious energy plus it discourages the child from talking since *you* are his entertainment. You want *him* to talk. Your lines are "Oh, really? Why " "Tell me about that" "What do you think?" Kids say funny and interesting stuff sometimes... and when they are bigger, they may share their innermost thoughts with you if they see that you are a good listener.
A huge power-drainer is putting babies to bed. I hear of moms who rock and pat and shush and swing and sing the entire score of "Les Miserables" in order to get their baby to sleep. I wasn't OK with this idea when I only had one child... but I have seen moms who did this with baby #1 and who pulled their hair out once their second is born... suddenly an impatient toddler is asking for a sandwich but mom is sitting in a rocking chair in the baby's room singing "Master of the House" in her best French accent. I don't pat. I don't rock. I don't sing. I plop. From the beginning, I make sure my baby is fed and burped and wearing a clean diaper and is otherwise calm and then I gently lay him in his crib and leave. I come back in a few minutes to check on him, but (for real!) it is not hard to get a baby accustomed to falling asleep on his own. I think this only involves a massive amount of crying if it's done after the baby has been patted and walked and shushed for months. Once he has figure it out, your life is a thousand times easier.
So yeah, that's my deep insight this week. There is only so much energy that you are given for each day. If you exhaust yours too early, then you end up letting the kids walk all over you and you give them Cheetos for supper. Even worse, you have nothing left in case you want to go do something after the kids are in bed... or enjoy some time with your spouse. Tragically enough, you might even forget *how* you got all those kids in the first place...lol.
I've heard well-meaning granola-heads proudly speak about putting themselves 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) and giving their child all their energy... at least for the years when they are still small. It doesn't sound "so bad" when a woman says that, but I still think she is doing herself serious harm. I am still waiting for my mail-order medical degree to arrive, but I wholeheartedly believe that people get sick when they neglect their bodies. Constantly being in 'giving mode' can't be healthy... no matter how many vitamins we take. I've heard it said that a good night's sleep is natural Prozac... and I could not agree more.
I recently had my "AHA!" moment about why extreme crunchy parenting practices rubbed me the wrong way. Crunchy parenting has a compelling argument... "women have raised their children like this for thousands of years" they say. I couldn't refute that until I realized something... ancient societies lived at a slower pace, had extended family around, centered life around the home and were more in-tune with the rhythms of life. For example, moms weren't up at 2am... not surfing the net, not getting one more load of laundry in and certainly not baking cupcakes for a gan party. People didn't run around so much, they led simple lives and that's how they were able to take care of their kids like that. The sun set and they went to sleep. They all worked from home. And yeah.... there was no one online to argue with.
In the end, I think we are all trying to do our best with what we have (and raise Nobel Prize winning physicists and great Rabbis... of course!) but we can't lose ourselves in the pursuit of taking care of our children. Even if our kids are super-wicked-awesome kids, our job is still difficult. And for real, energy conservation is the only way to go.
Monday 11 November 2013
You gotta have fuel for the baby factory...
Let me be Debbie Downer for just a minute. If you haven't heard it from a pregnancy book or from your doctor or from some snarky mom in the park who is convinced you're "not doing the best for your children" by having so many so close together, let me say it:
Closely-spaced pregnancies can be dangerous. There is a higher likelihood of complications during pregnancy and labor. Also, there is a higher risk of premature delivery and of delivering low-birthweight babies.
Those are real medical facts. Whether you hear them said in some snarky way or written in a book... that's just what it is.
But wait! There is something else the pregnancy books say... that these risk factors can be largely overcome by *EXCELLENT NUTRITION*.
Excellent nutrition is tricky for me. If I had spare cash, I would be the paragon of excellent nutrition. I would hire a raw food chef and buy organic produce and sprout my own grains and I would be skinny like Gwyneth Paltrow and my skin would glow. Totally true. But until I can follow Gwyneth's diet, I do the best I can to eat healthy, but I am also honest with myself. I KNOW that I am in nutritional overdraft.
I think excellent nutrition is tricky for any mom, so here is my lifehack.. I take silly amounts of vitamins.
Some people don't believe in vitamins. And some people only think they need prenatals and some folic acid when they're pregnant, but I am convinced that women having several children (close together or not) are seriously jeopardizing their health by not taking some kind of supplements. Under normal circumstances, I think most people can get the majority of their nutritional needs from diet alone... I'm not a pill pusher. But when you're talking about *REPEATEDLY FORMING A HUMAN BEING IN YOUR BODY*, you need some back-up.
Eating nutritious food is great, but it's not enough to replenish the vitamin stores in your body that you depleted during pregnancy.... plus building up stores for the next pregnancy... plus healing from childbirth... and all this while you produce breastmilk. That's a whole lot of kale and techina you'll need to eat! Can you look me straight in the eye and tell me that you've never had pasta with ketchup for dinner because that's what the kids were eating and it looked yummy and you were too tired to go soak quinoa?
So yeah, I take some silly amount of vitamins every day. I do it when I'm pregnant. I do it when I'm not pregnant. This is my soapbox.
I take a multivitamin/multimineral which has a bit of everything except the kitchen sink. It isn't synthetic chemical vitamins but it's mostly concentrated fruit and vegetable compounds. (it's 3 separate pills) You can find stuff like this in healthfood stores... naturally-sources multivitamins or food concentrates. There are even liquid multivitamin syrups, which are more easily absorbed and digested than a pill. Even if all you can afford is a cheap multivitamin, you are still better off than someone who isn't taking anything at all. If you are missing nutrients, the various processes in your body will not work as efficiently as they're meant to.
The other thing I take is iron. I take Spatone (mineral water that's super-rich in iron) and also Floradix (an herbal syrup with iron and vitamins)... you dump both into a glass of juice (which has vitamin c helps iron absorb) and drink. Iron is crucial during pregnancy... you are making liters and liters of new blood.
Although I eat loads of dairy, I take a calcium supplement too. Remember that old wives tale about how a woman loses a tooth with each baby? It's not entirely accurate... if a mother's diet is deficient in calcium, the growing baby takes calcium out of her bones. Yes, seriously. I think I might need my bones for when I'm old, so I try to take care of them.
The other obvious thing is folic acid, which is always in my cocktail of supplements. Also, a b-complex supplement because I am vegetarian. And also vitamin C for the immune system.
Don't get me wrong, I eat piles of fresh produce and make vegetable soups all the time, but since I know that I am pushing my body to its limits, I try to respect my body by taking care of it.
Let's say you are pregnant for the first time... but you don't get all your nutrients because you're nauseaous or uninterested in food or because the baby squishes your tummy. It's OK... the baby uses up the nutrient stores in your body. If you wait 2+ years like everyone recommends, then you have probably been eating normally for 2+ years and have gradually built up those nutrients once again. *BUT* if you become pregnant when your new baby is 6 months old, it's like you're staring a road trip with an empty gas tank. So yeah... that's where those warnings about premature babies and low-birthweight babies come in. Every pregnancy book says it.
Apart from taking care of the baby, good nutrition helps you heal from childbirth. I won't share TMI, but my C-section scar is healing quite nicely because I made an effort to take piles of vitamin C after the birth. Scars heal from the inside... no magic cream can replace your body's natural cell repair mechanisms, which are helped by antioxidants (like vitamin c) and beta carotene and also vitamin e.
I take crazy amounts of vitamins. Unless you are me, you don't have to take crazy amounts. If you can look at yourself and honestly say that you have an impeccable diet, then I will leave you alone. But otherwise, this is my advice to all new moms, old moms, soon-to-be moms and wannabee-moms. The baby factory needs fuel to run on.
Closely-spaced pregnancies can be dangerous. There is a higher likelihood of complications during pregnancy and labor. Also, there is a higher risk of premature delivery and of delivering low-birthweight babies.
Those are real medical facts. Whether you hear them said in some snarky way or written in a book... that's just what it is.
But wait! There is something else the pregnancy books say... that these risk factors can be largely overcome by *EXCELLENT NUTRITION*.
Excellent nutrition is tricky for me. If I had spare cash, I would be the paragon of excellent nutrition. I would hire a raw food chef and buy organic produce and sprout my own grains and I would be skinny like Gwyneth Paltrow and my skin would glow. Totally true. But until I can follow Gwyneth's diet, I do the best I can to eat healthy, but I am also honest with myself. I KNOW that I am in nutritional overdraft.
I think excellent nutrition is tricky for any mom, so here is my lifehack.. I take silly amounts of vitamins.
Some people don't believe in vitamins. And some people only think they need prenatals and some folic acid when they're pregnant, but I am convinced that women having several children (close together or not) are seriously jeopardizing their health by not taking some kind of supplements. Under normal circumstances, I think most people can get the majority of their nutritional needs from diet alone... I'm not a pill pusher. But when you're talking about *REPEATEDLY FORMING A HUMAN BEING IN YOUR BODY*, you need some back-up.
Eating nutritious food is great, but it's not enough to replenish the vitamin stores in your body that you depleted during pregnancy.... plus building up stores for the next pregnancy... plus healing from childbirth... and all this while you produce breastmilk. That's a whole lot of kale and techina you'll need to eat! Can you look me straight in the eye and tell me that you've never had pasta with ketchup for dinner because that's what the kids were eating and it looked yummy and you were too tired to go soak quinoa?
So yeah, I take some silly amount of vitamins every day. I do it when I'm pregnant. I do it when I'm not pregnant. This is my soapbox.
I take a multivitamin/multimineral which has a bit of everything except the kitchen sink. It isn't synthetic chemical vitamins but it's mostly concentrated fruit and vegetable compounds. (it's 3 separate pills) You can find stuff like this in healthfood stores... naturally-sources multivitamins or food concentrates. There are even liquid multivitamin syrups, which are more easily absorbed and digested than a pill. Even if all you can afford is a cheap multivitamin, you are still better off than someone who isn't taking anything at all. If you are missing nutrients, the various processes in your body will not work as efficiently as they're meant to.
The other thing I take is iron. I take Spatone (mineral water that's super-rich in iron) and also Floradix (an herbal syrup with iron and vitamins)... you dump both into a glass of juice (which has vitamin c helps iron absorb) and drink. Iron is crucial during pregnancy... you are making liters and liters of new blood.
Although I eat loads of dairy, I take a calcium supplement too. Remember that old wives tale about how a woman loses a tooth with each baby? It's not entirely accurate... if a mother's diet is deficient in calcium, the growing baby takes calcium out of her bones. Yes, seriously. I think I might need my bones for when I'm old, so I try to take care of them.
The other obvious thing is folic acid, which is always in my cocktail of supplements. Also, a b-complex supplement because I am vegetarian. And also vitamin C for the immune system.
Don't get me wrong, I eat piles of fresh produce and make vegetable soups all the time, but since I know that I am pushing my body to its limits, I try to respect my body by taking care of it.
Let's say you are pregnant for the first time... but you don't get all your nutrients because you're nauseaous or uninterested in food or because the baby squishes your tummy. It's OK... the baby uses up the nutrient stores in your body. If you wait 2+ years like everyone recommends, then you have probably been eating normally for 2+ years and have gradually built up those nutrients once again. *BUT* if you become pregnant when your new baby is 6 months old, it's like you're staring a road trip with an empty gas tank. So yeah... that's where those warnings about premature babies and low-birthweight babies come in. Every pregnancy book says it.
Apart from taking care of the baby, good nutrition helps you heal from childbirth. I won't share TMI, but my C-section scar is healing quite nicely because I made an effort to take piles of vitamin C after the birth. Scars heal from the inside... no magic cream can replace your body's natural cell repair mechanisms, which are helped by antioxidants (like vitamin c) and beta carotene and also vitamin e.
I take crazy amounts of vitamins. Unless you are me, you don't have to take crazy amounts. If you can look at yourself and honestly say that you have an impeccable diet, then I will leave you alone. But otherwise, this is my advice to all new moms, old moms, soon-to-be moms and wannabee-moms. The baby factory needs fuel to run on.
Thursday 7 November 2013
Dealing with the hardest thing about my life, as faaabulous as it is.
Do you want to know what is the hardest thing about my life is?
It's not waking up at strange hours of the night. It's not all the spit-up on my clothes or even the tragically lamentable fact that my "skinny coat" hung in my closet all last winter unworn. It's the fact that my parents are all the way across the ocean. They can't pop over for dinner. They can't babysit at a moment's notice. They can't just show up for a gan graduation party and take a million photos. They. are. halfway. across. the. world.
I'm not alone. It's a common complaint I have heard from mommy friends here in Israel... and much more tragic than an unworn jacket. I could always buy a larger coat, but it is unlikely that my parents will live closeby. Like ever.
What to do? I hear lot of people suggest finding friends who are in a similar predicament... to move to a community that is warm and welcoming and pulls together in times of crisis. The idea is to create a new extended family-of-sorts; to have people to share good time and bad times with, to get help when you need it and to commiserate about the lack of Target and Pumpkin Spice lattes. I think this is good and true and right, but there's something crucial that's missing.
I think the first thing a mom whose parents are overseas needs to do is to ACCEPT. This is a decidedly unoriginal thought that the 12-step support group people have patented.... accepting the things you cannot change.
What to do? I hear lot of people suggest finding friends who are in a similar predicament... to move to a community that is warm and welcoming and pulls together in times of crisis. The idea is to create a new extended family-of-sorts; to have people to share good time and bad times with, to get help when you need it and to commiserate about the lack of Target and Pumpkin Spice lattes. I think this is good and true and right, but there's something crucial that's missing.
I think the first thing a mom whose parents are overseas needs to do is to ACCEPT. This is a decidedly unoriginal thought that the 12-step support group people have patented.... accepting the things you cannot change.
In my opinion, this is HUGE. You will be in suuuuch a better mental space if you decide to accept your life situation as it really is... instead of wishing and hoping that things will be different. Unless you can pay a kidnapper to bring your parents to Israel, you can't force them to come here, so why waste your mental energy on wishing things were different. Of course, we can always pray... but that's different... I'm talking about plain old complaining.... I wish my parents lived closeby. I would be happier if my parents lived closeby. Why don't my parents live closeby?
Imagine that a cat woke up one day and decided that he wanted to be a dog. If he spent his time moping about and dwelling on how much he wished he was a dog... well, he would miss out on some good catnaps and tasty chicken bones from the dumpster... and at the end of the day he would remain a cat. Even worse, an unhappy cat.
The other HUGE thing is a mental re-direction. Instead of focusing on what you are lacking, strive to be AWESOME at what you do. In my case, it means doing my best to become really really independent. You heard me, I said really really independent. As in, supermommy. Find a way to handle everything by yourself. All, by. yourself.
You may have a great hubby that pitches in. You might have helpful friends and neighbors. You might live in a community where people jump over themselves to put your stroller on the bus and hold your baby so you can pay the bus driver. Call me a cynic, but I believe that at some point, people will fail you. Humans are fallible. There is a massive calmness and self-confidence that comes from knowing that you could hold the fort alone, if need be.
What this translates to, in practical terms, is figuring out a way to take the kids to the park all by yourself, taking the kids on the bus all by yourself, getting the kids ready for school all by yourself...etc. The logistics are up to you, but the point is to build yourself up into a supermommy by knowing that you actually could do everything without help. When you do get help, be happy and grateful *but* when people invariably flake out, smile and be confident in the knowledge that you can do it!
This is precisely why I bought my big clunky triple stroller. It was my secret weapon to take all of my 3 little kids out on a trip all by myself. Your secret weapon could be some super-easy dinner that everyone can eat by themselves. Or some cool activity that keeps all the kids occupied so you can take a break. But yeah... arm yourself. In the same way you would walk with confidence if you had a gun hidden away somewhere, you should walk with confidence knowing that you have strategies to cope with whatever life throws at you.
Let me say it again, just in case anyone missed it. I am*not* advocating going at it alone. I totally think that moms whose parents are overseas should find one another and kibitz and help one another out. I totally think that moms whose parents are overseas should seek out warm and supportive communities to live in....but in the end, it's all up to you.
This isn't just a coping strategy for moms with parents who are overseas, it's life skills 101.
1) Accept what you are
2) Embrace it
3) Become awesome at it.
For real, don't be that cat wishing he was a dog. Be a freakin' awesome cat!
Tuesday 27 August 2013
Now that I have 4 kids, I know everything about having 4 kids
Mazal tov to me! Our 4th little puffball was born in June.... he was an addition to my collection of little children ages 4, 3 and almost-2.
Now that two months have passed by, I don't yet feel like I know everything about raising 4 little children, but I felt the need to distill my experiences into a blog post. I thought long and hard about what to write and finally realized that I couldn't establish any hard-and-fast rules about what it is like to have 4 little children. To tell you the truth, it's more like a series of paradoxical statements. Trust me, it makes sense.
1. Get help!!! *BUT ALSO* do it all yourself.
Everyone knows that famous people have the easiest parenting job. Why? Because they have someone washing their floors and folding their laundry and cooking 7-course organic vegan raw-food meals so they can watch their kids play soccer without a care in the world. They outsource the difficult stuff so they can enjoy the fun stuff.... it's a great idea! If you can afford it, get a cleaning lady. Get a mother's helper to help with the baby while you play with the older kids.. Take up any offers for free babysitting from sisters, cousins, nieces, neighbors..etc. Also, enlist your husband to help. Find out if a nearby highschool or seminary has a program where they send out their girls to do volunteer work to help in the community. The ideal thing is for you to spend quality time with the kids while someone else does the things that are less important.
*BUT ALSO* figure out a way to do everything all by yourself with no help whatsoever. Call me a cynic, but people will fail you. Cleaning ladies and babysitters won't show up. Friends and neighbors will flake out on you. Even husbands get busy with their own things. So yeah, figure out a way to be self-reliant and do everything on your own, if need be. With me, this involves some crazy level of multitasking... rocking the baby with one hand and feeding my 2-year-old yogurt with the other hand.... also holding simultaneous ADHD-like conversations with 3 kids at the same time. Streamline and simplify your routine to fit everything into a finite amount of time, just in case you find yourself doing it all yourself.
2. Give individual attention *BUT ALSO* make every activity a group activity
A mom with a large family (oy! is that what I have now?) needs to make a concerted effort to make each child feel special and unique. Every day, you need to do something to make each child feel like they are your only child. If a child feels loved and cherished, he won't decide to 'act out' in order to gain attention. To keep your children from feeling like they are lost in the shuffle, you need to carve out a space where your time and attention is focused on that one child and the universe stands still. Yes, I'm serious. If you are two years old, the universe stands still when you are sitting in your mother's lap and she is reading your favorite book... for the 3rd time straight.
*BUT ALSO* there is not enough time in the day. Sometimes, the only way that you will be able to get everything done is to include everyone. In my house, everyone eats together, bathes together... etc. Even though the new baby won't appreciate outings to the park or the Gymboree, I plop him in the stroller when he's sleeping and take him along... otherwise I would be stuck at home. Strollers can be comfortable places to sleep in. Also, I can't count the times that I dragged my baby chair into the bathroom so I could plop the baby in his chair so I could watch him as I bathed the older ones. You save time and effort and also you are gradually getting the new baby adjusted to the older kids' schedule.... one day when he is old enough to sit up, you will plop him in a baby bath seat and bathe him along with the others. If you live in an apartment with a small bathtub, consider what would be harder... doing separate bath-times for each of the kids or paying to install a new large-sized tub. If it was my dilemma, I would get the new tub.
3. Take it easy and give yourself time to rest *BUT ALSO* bounce back ASAP
Giving birth is hard, taking care of children is hard, so take any spare moment to rest and recover and take care of yourself. Nap when the kids nap. Nap while your husband is playing with the kids in the next room. Nap while your sister takes the kids to the park. You'll need your energy, so make sure to get enough to eat. If you are hungry, have a snack. You will need good nutritious food to keep up your milk supply and to help your body recover from childbirth. Forget about how some silly celebrity woman posed in a bikini on the cover of People magazine a month after giving birth or some hyper-driven CEO returned to work after she was discharged from the hospital. Take your time to recover and rest.
*BUT ALSO* don't take it too easy that you find yourself wearing the same maternity yoga pants for 5 days straight because you still haven't left the house. Any feelings of post-partum crappiness will just be exacerbated by not going out and by not taking care of your body. Losing the post-partum weight will make *you* feel good... there's no need to consider what the rest of society thinks you should look like. And imagine all the cute outfits you can make when you fit into all of your old clothes again. More importantly, I think that doing something active (even if it's walking to the makolet to buy apples) and getting back to your old self will give you energy (both physical and mental) to take care of your kids. Remember what Elle Woods said "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy"
4. You can't complain *BUT ALSO* yes, you can... just complain quietly
I'm superstitious, so on public online forums, I try not to gush about how wonderful my kids are... for fear of the evil eye. Moreover, I have friends whose kids have special needs, illnesses, medical conditions and such.... and also friends struggling with infertility. So yeah, out of sensitivity, I try not to complain because actually, some of the people who would hear my complaints would give anything to be in my shoes. I think it's basic common decency.
*BUT ALSO* find sympathetic friends (real-life friends as well as internet-friends) who are in the same stage of life as you and kvetch away. And if you live near me, come over for coffee and we can commiserate about spit-up and blow-out poopy diapers.
Did any of that make sense? I'm not entirely sure that my brain still works. But yeah... today was a good day. 4 little puffballs were fed and dressed and taken to school (for those who go to school) and picked up and taken to the park and put to bed. Everyone is alive and I have a little spare time to write things on the internet, so I guess it means that I did everything right and that I must know everything now.
Tomorrow is another day. I probably won't know everything tomorrow. :)
Now that two months have passed by, I don't yet feel like I know everything about raising 4 little children, but I felt the need to distill my experiences into a blog post. I thought long and hard about what to write and finally realized that I couldn't establish any hard-and-fast rules about what it is like to have 4 little children. To tell you the truth, it's more like a series of paradoxical statements. Trust me, it makes sense.
1. Get help!!! *BUT ALSO* do it all yourself.
Everyone knows that famous people have the easiest parenting job. Why? Because they have someone washing their floors and folding their laundry and cooking 7-course organic vegan raw-food meals so they can watch their kids play soccer without a care in the world. They outsource the difficult stuff so they can enjoy the fun stuff.... it's a great idea! If you can afford it, get a cleaning lady. Get a mother's helper to help with the baby while you play with the older kids.. Take up any offers for free babysitting from sisters, cousins, nieces, neighbors..etc. Also, enlist your husband to help. Find out if a nearby highschool or seminary has a program where they send out their girls to do volunteer work to help in the community. The ideal thing is for you to spend quality time with the kids while someone else does the things that are less important.
*BUT ALSO* figure out a way to do everything all by yourself with no help whatsoever. Call me a cynic, but people will fail you. Cleaning ladies and babysitters won't show up. Friends and neighbors will flake out on you. Even husbands get busy with their own things. So yeah, figure out a way to be self-reliant and do everything on your own, if need be. With me, this involves some crazy level of multitasking... rocking the baby with one hand and feeding my 2-year-old yogurt with the other hand.... also holding simultaneous ADHD-like conversations with 3 kids at the same time. Streamline and simplify your routine to fit everything into a finite amount of time, just in case you find yourself doing it all yourself.
2. Give individual attention *BUT ALSO* make every activity a group activity
A mom with a large family (oy! is that what I have now?) needs to make a concerted effort to make each child feel special and unique. Every day, you need to do something to make each child feel like they are your only child. If a child feels loved and cherished, he won't decide to 'act out' in order to gain attention. To keep your children from feeling like they are lost in the shuffle, you need to carve out a space where your time and attention is focused on that one child and the universe stands still. Yes, I'm serious. If you are two years old, the universe stands still when you are sitting in your mother's lap and she is reading your favorite book... for the 3rd time straight.
*BUT ALSO* there is not enough time in the day. Sometimes, the only way that you will be able to get everything done is to include everyone. In my house, everyone eats together, bathes together... etc. Even though the new baby won't appreciate outings to the park or the Gymboree, I plop him in the stroller when he's sleeping and take him along... otherwise I would be stuck at home. Strollers can be comfortable places to sleep in. Also, I can't count the times that I dragged my baby chair into the bathroom so I could plop the baby in his chair so I could watch him as I bathed the older ones. You save time and effort and also you are gradually getting the new baby adjusted to the older kids' schedule.... one day when he is old enough to sit up, you will plop him in a baby bath seat and bathe him along with the others. If you live in an apartment with a small bathtub, consider what would be harder... doing separate bath-times for each of the kids or paying to install a new large-sized tub. If it was my dilemma, I would get the new tub.
3. Take it easy and give yourself time to rest *BUT ALSO* bounce back ASAP
Giving birth is hard, taking care of children is hard, so take any spare moment to rest and recover and take care of yourself. Nap when the kids nap. Nap while your husband is playing with the kids in the next room. Nap while your sister takes the kids to the park. You'll need your energy, so make sure to get enough to eat. If you are hungry, have a snack. You will need good nutritious food to keep up your milk supply and to help your body recover from childbirth. Forget about how some silly celebrity woman posed in a bikini on the cover of People magazine a month after giving birth or some hyper-driven CEO returned to work after she was discharged from the hospital. Take your time to recover and rest.
*BUT ALSO* don't take it too easy that you find yourself wearing the same maternity yoga pants for 5 days straight because you still haven't left the house. Any feelings of post-partum crappiness will just be exacerbated by not going out and by not taking care of your body. Losing the post-partum weight will make *you* feel good... there's no need to consider what the rest of society thinks you should look like. And imagine all the cute outfits you can make when you fit into all of your old clothes again. More importantly, I think that doing something active (even if it's walking to the makolet to buy apples) and getting back to your old self will give you energy (both physical and mental) to take care of your kids. Remember what Elle Woods said "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy"
4. You can't complain *BUT ALSO* yes, you can... just complain quietly
I'm superstitious, so on public online forums, I try not to gush about how wonderful my kids are... for fear of the evil eye. Moreover, I have friends whose kids have special needs, illnesses, medical conditions and such.... and also friends struggling with infertility. So yeah, out of sensitivity, I try not to complain because actually, some of the people who would hear my complaints would give anything to be in my shoes. I think it's basic common decency.
*BUT ALSO* find sympathetic friends (real-life friends as well as internet-friends) who are in the same stage of life as you and kvetch away. And if you live near me, come over for coffee and we can commiserate about spit-up and blow-out poopy diapers.
Did any of that make sense? I'm not entirely sure that my brain still works. But yeah... today was a good day. 4 little puffballs were fed and dressed and taken to school (for those who go to school) and picked up and taken to the park and put to bed. Everyone is alive and I have a little spare time to write things on the internet, so I guess it means that I did everything right and that I must know everything now.
Tomorrow is another day. I probably won't know everything tomorrow. :)
Wednesday 3 April 2013
The one piece of advice every new mom with little kids needs to hear.
I have opinions about a lot of things, but unless you ask me, I won't try to impose them on you. I won't tell you what to feed your baby, how to dress him, how to get him to sleep or whether or not he will be traumatized forever if you don't let him have a pacifier. However, there is one piece of advice that I try to give any new mom who has small children...
DON'T BE A JERK TO YOUR KIDS!!!!
That's it. That's all I want to say. This works whether you have 2 toddlers when the new baby is born or 8 toddlers. It works whether your kids are 10 months apart or 2+ years apart. No matter what your situation, you will have an easier time transitioning your new baby into your family if you are not a jerk to your kids.
Let me elaborate. Moms behaving like jerks make the other children resentful, jealous and attention-deprived (and prone to misbehave to regain attention)... so here are three rules about how not to be that jerky mom.
1. Don't drop everything when the baby cries
2. Don't push developmental milestones
3. Don't throw the family schedule upside down
What the first rule means is that when two little people are crying for your attention at the exact same second, you give your attention to the older one. In all fairness, the older child was there first. More importantly, they will notice when you drop the knife in the middle of making their sandwich so you can pick up a crying baby. Unless it's an emergency, the baby will be OK if she cries for another 20 seconds as you finish the sandwich and hand it to your toddler.
What you are communicating to your toddler is that they are important and that you are reliable and follow through on the things you promise them.
What the second rule means is that you respect where your children are developmentally and don't force them to toilet train or sleep in a big bed or walk instead of sitting in a stroller if they are not ready. Nobody has died from having several kids in diapers or buying a double stroller, but forcing a child to 'grow up' just because the new baby arrived and the baby needs his stuff is jerky. It shows a lack of respect for the child's abilities and desires. More importantly, it sets the stage for sibling rivalry and territorial battles.
If your older child is still at an age where it's normal for him to sleep in a crib (Google it, ask your friend who have kids, look it up in a book), then buy a second-hand crib for the new baby or borrow one from your cousin. The baby won't care where she sleeps as long as it is warm and comfy, but an older child will notice these things and may fight even harder to stay in *HIS* crib. You might even hear about it for the next 18 years....
What the third rule means is to respect the family routines as much as possible. Kids like routine, even older ones who say that they don't. They need security and stability and familiarity. If you go into labor on Wednesday morning and rush off to the hospital, they will forgive you for not taking them to the Gymboree on Wednesday afternoon and making homemade pizza like you always do. OK, but once the baby is home, too many weeks without Gymboree and pizza sends the signal that your older kids are not important and that one tiny person's needs surpass the needs of several little people. Little tiny babies are usually pretty portable; feed them, change them, wrap them up and pop them in a stroller (or baby carrier, if that's your thing) and you are free to go almost anywhere and do almost anything. Getting back to routines and familiar family events shows your older children that nothing has changed and that life goes on as normal.... because it should.
I have heard people say that a new baby always comes first. This may sound right on an intuitive level, but in practice, it means that your other kids always come second (don't get me started on where the husband's place is!) and I think that's a recipe for disaster. Like I said, a baby won't remember that you waited to change his diaper to make your toddlers sandwich, but a toddler will notice. And a tantrum-ing toddler can ruin your afternoon much faster than a baby crying for 30 seconds. A newborn is very high-maintenance, but if you plan on having a handful of them, it won't be practical to drop everything for two years to make sure the new baby gets all the immediate love and instant attention.
Also, you want to enlist your older kids as allies. You want them to grab you a diaper from across the room or watch the baby so you can have a shower. You want them to love the new baby and not see him as a threat to their way of life. You hope that they will be friends with their new sibling when he grows up. The last thing you want is children who feel neglected. Kids are creative and can find all kinds of ways to make trouble to get your attention away from the new baby.
So yeah, don't be a jerk.
DON'T BE A JERK TO YOUR KIDS!!!!
That's it. That's all I want to say. This works whether you have 2 toddlers when the new baby is born or 8 toddlers. It works whether your kids are 10 months apart or 2+ years apart. No matter what your situation, you will have an easier time transitioning your new baby into your family if you are not a jerk to your kids.
Let me elaborate. Moms behaving like jerks make the other children resentful, jealous and attention-deprived (and prone to misbehave to regain attention)... so here are three rules about how not to be that jerky mom.
1. Don't drop everything when the baby cries
2. Don't push developmental milestones
3. Don't throw the family schedule upside down
What the first rule means is that when two little people are crying for your attention at the exact same second, you give your attention to the older one. In all fairness, the older child was there first. More importantly, they will notice when you drop the knife in the middle of making their sandwich so you can pick up a crying baby. Unless it's an emergency, the baby will be OK if she cries for another 20 seconds as you finish the sandwich and hand it to your toddler.
What you are communicating to your toddler is that they are important and that you are reliable and follow through on the things you promise them.
What the second rule means is that you respect where your children are developmentally and don't force them to toilet train or sleep in a big bed or walk instead of sitting in a stroller if they are not ready. Nobody has died from having several kids in diapers or buying a double stroller, but forcing a child to 'grow up' just because the new baby arrived and the baby needs his stuff is jerky. It shows a lack of respect for the child's abilities and desires. More importantly, it sets the stage for sibling rivalry and territorial battles.
If your older child is still at an age where it's normal for him to sleep in a crib (Google it, ask your friend who have kids, look it up in a book), then buy a second-hand crib for the new baby or borrow one from your cousin. The baby won't care where she sleeps as long as it is warm and comfy, but an older child will notice these things and may fight even harder to stay in *HIS* crib. You might even hear about it for the next 18 years....
What the third rule means is to respect the family routines as much as possible. Kids like routine, even older ones who say that they don't. They need security and stability and familiarity. If you go into labor on Wednesday morning and rush off to the hospital, they will forgive you for not taking them to the Gymboree on Wednesday afternoon and making homemade pizza like you always do. OK, but once the baby is home, too many weeks without Gymboree and pizza sends the signal that your older kids are not important and that one tiny person's needs surpass the needs of several little people. Little tiny babies are usually pretty portable; feed them, change them, wrap them up and pop them in a stroller (or baby carrier, if that's your thing) and you are free to go almost anywhere and do almost anything. Getting back to routines and familiar family events shows your older children that nothing has changed and that life goes on as normal.... because it should.
I have heard people say that a new baby always comes first. This may sound right on an intuitive level, but in practice, it means that your other kids always come second (don't get me started on where the husband's place is!) and I think that's a recipe for disaster. Like I said, a baby won't remember that you waited to change his diaper to make your toddlers sandwich, but a toddler will notice. And a tantrum-ing toddler can ruin your afternoon much faster than a baby crying for 30 seconds. A newborn is very high-maintenance, but if you plan on having a handful of them, it won't be practical to drop everything for two years to make sure the new baby gets all the immediate love and instant attention.
Also, you want to enlist your older kids as allies. You want them to grab you a diaper from across the room or watch the baby so you can have a shower. You want them to love the new baby and not see him as a threat to their way of life. You hope that they will be friends with their new sibling when he grows up. The last thing you want is children who feel neglected. Kids are creative and can find all kinds of ways to make trouble to get your attention away from the new baby.
So yeah, don't be a jerk.
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