Dealing with the hardest thing about my life, as faaabulous as it is.

Do you want to know what is the hardest thing about my life is?

 

It's not waking up at strange hours of the night. It's not all the spit-up on my clothes or even the tragically lamentable fact that my "skinny coat" hung in my closet all last winter unworn. It's the fact that my parents are all the way across the ocean. They can't pop over for dinner. They can't babysit at a moment's notice. They can't just show up for a gan graduation party and take a million photos. They. are. halfway. across. the. world.

 

I'm not alone. It's a common complaint I have heard from mommy friends here in Israel... and much more tragic than an unworn jacket. I could always buy a larger coat, but it is unlikely that my parents will live closeby. Like ever.

What to do? I hear lot of people suggest finding friends who are in a similar predicament...  to move to a community that is warm and welcoming and pulls together in times of crisis. The idea is to create a new extended family-of-sorts; to have people to share good time and bad times with, to get help when you need it and to commiserate about the lack of Target and Pumpkin Spice lattes. I think this is good and true and right, but there's something crucial that's missing.

I think the first thing a mom whose parents are overseas needs to do is to ACCEPT. This is a decidedly unoriginal thought that the 12-step support group people have patented.... accepting the things you cannot change.

 

In my opinion, this is HUGE. You will be in suuuuch a better mental space if you decide to accept your life situation as it really is... instead of wishing and hoping that things will be different. Unless you can pay a kidnapper to bring your parents to Israel, you can't force them to come here, so why waste your mental energy on wishing things were different. Of course, we can always pray... but that's different... I'm talking about plain old complaining.... I wish my parents lived closeby. I would be happier if my parents lived closeby. Why don't my parents live closeby?

 

Imagine that a cat woke up one day and decided that he wanted to be a dog. If he spent his time moping about and dwelling on how much he wished he was a dog... well, he would miss out on some good catnaps and tasty chicken bones from the dumpster... and at the end of the day he would remain a cat. Even worse, an unhappy cat.
 

The other HUGE thing is a mental re-direction. Instead of focusing on what you are lacking, strive to be AWESOME at what you do. In my case, it means doing my best to become really really independent. You heard me, I said really really independent. As in, supermommy. Find a way to handle everything by yourself. All, by. yourself.

 

You may have a great hubby that pitches in. You might have helpful friends and neighbors. You might live in a community where people jump over themselves to put your stroller on the bus and hold your baby so you can pay the bus driver. Call me a cynic, but I believe that at some point, people will fail you. Humans are fallible. There is a massive calmness and self-confidence that comes from knowing that you could hold the fort alone, if need be.
 

What this translates to, in practical terms, is figuring out a way to take the kids to the park all by yourself, taking the kids on the bus all by yourself, getting the kids ready for school all by yourself...etc. The logistics are up to you, but the point is to build yourself up into a supermommy by knowing that you actually could do everything without help. When you do get help, be happy and grateful *but* when people invariably flake out, smile and be confident in the knowledge that you can do it!

 

This is precisely why I bought my big clunky triple stroller. It was my secret weapon to take all of my 3 little kids out on a trip all by myself. Your secret weapon could be some super-easy dinner that everyone can eat by themselves. Or some cool activity that keeps all the kids occupied so you can take a break. But yeah... arm yourself. In the same way you would walk with confidence if you had a gun hidden away somewhere, you should walk with confidence knowing that you have strategies to cope with whatever life throws at you.

 

Let me say it again, just in case anyone missed it. I am*not* advocating going at it alone. I totally think that moms whose parents are overseas should find one another and kibitz and help one another out. I totally think that moms whose parents are overseas should seek out warm and supportive communities to live in....but in the end, it's all up to you.

 

This isn't just a coping strategy for moms with parents who are overseas, it's life skills 101.

 

1) Accept what you are

2) Embrace it

3) Become awesome at it.

 

For real, don't be that cat wishing he was a dog. Be a freakin' awesome cat!