If you spend any time in the land of internet mommyhood, there is a common complaint you will repeatedly hear... a mommy-person was out in some public space and some comment by some random stranger made her feel judged or shamed or even worse. I think I've shared the following advice a dozen times, so now I decided to write a proper blog post and elaborate a little.
What's the best response to some nosy comment by a stranger? Lie, lie lie! That's right, just tell the person whatever you think they want to hear... smile... and walk away knowing that you have contributed to world peace.
Let me back up for a second and assert something which I truly believe: not everyone who asks deeply personal questions is malicious, some people are socially clueless or lack conversation skills. A perfect stranger is grasping at straws trying to make conversation with you, they see that you have a baby, so they pull out whatever bit of baby-related information they can think of.... "so, are you breastfeeding?" "is she sleeping through the night?" "how much weight did you gain when you were pregnant?" ...you know, silly innocuous non-offensive things like that... lol.
For real, I don't think most people (men! older people! teenagers!) realize that these are actually sensitive topics to mommy-people. If you saw a guy holding a dog, you would make small talk about dogs, if you saw a guy with tennis rackets, you would make small talk about tennis, people see a mom with a baby, so.....
I think life is easier if you just assume that some people are truly clueless. Don't get offended, just tell them whatever you think they want to hear... and talk about something else. If it's just a random stranger trying to pass time waiting for the bus, they likely don't *care* about your answers, they just want to talk.
Aside from the truly clueless, there *are* people who strike up sensitive conversations with random strangers because they have some kind of agenda. I won't deny it, some people believe that their mission in life is to point out other people's faults and help them to do better. Missionaries totally fall into the category of people who should be lied to. Why? Someone like that is pretty entrenched in their beliefs (about breastfeeding or sleep training or pregnancy weigh gain) and no amount of "educating" or "enlightening" or "speaking out" will impact their worldview. If nothing else, you strengthen them by reacting so negatively to their nosy questions....why are you getting so defensive if you're doing the right thing?
So yeah, if you realize that some fanatical woman (they're almost always women!) is asking you a loaded question about pregnancy or childbirth or parenting, then diffuse her crusade by answering her with whatever you think she wants to hear. Then smile and say "Yeah, I know" when she starts to spout opinions. In onlineland, these are the kind of people who troll FB groups and start arguments to pass the time. (Halevai... we should all be blessed with so much free time)
What's the point of becoming a lying liar? To avoid those difficult emotional conversations with perfect strangers where you waste your time and energy and leave upset. Don't let the rest of your day be ruined by people who you will never see again.
You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you choose to live your life....let's all be clear here.
If a real person you know starts to ask these uncomfortable questions, it's legit to say "we don't ask people such questions" or "I don't want to talk about this' or answering their question honestly and letting them know that their assumptions aren't accurate. There is a time and place to pour your guts out and let people know that life isn't black and white and that their stereotypes aren't true. It's important to speak out, to educate others, to use your life as an example and to make the world a more tolerant place...but that can only come from people who you have a real relationship with.
With regards to perfect strangers, I think the way to spread peace in the world (and to keep yourself calm and happy) is to smile and nod and bend the truth to fit their view of the world.
And yes, there is a legit religious precedent for lying to keep peace between people. Pirkei Avos tells us, “Be like the students of Aharon Hakohen.”... Aharon strove to make peace between people. When he saw two people arguing he would pretend that both sides wanted to make up.
Like I keep saying on all these FB mommy group posts.... just tell people what they want to hear... and go on with your life.
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